- I worry that Rebecca Adlington will have an unfair advantage in the swimming by possessing a dolphin's face.
- The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.
- Did you see her boyfriend? He was really attractive. He was like a male model. So from that I have deduced that Rebecca Adlington is very dirty.
- It's OK to avoid tax providing every time you do a joke about a town being shit you add "partly down to me I'm afraid" under your breath.
- [on David Bowie and Scottish independence] I completely respect Bowie's right to express views on Independence, just as I'd respect Iggy Pop's opinions on the CERN particle accelerator.
- You're trapped, Spiderman! Trapped in this enormous bath...
- After 50 years of being a German married to a Greek, her arse must look like a broken catflap.
- Susan Boyle looks like Gordon Brown playing Mrs Doubtfire.
- Susan Boyle is no relation, we will never chisel our way out of that cellar.
- There are people who still think Elvis faked his death. If you were going to fake your death, it wouldn't be in a shitting-related accident, surely?
- Theresa May looks like a cat that knows it's going to die.
- [Young Jacob Rees-Mogg] It's the sort of voice you hear trying to lure you into a Well...
- As a Tory Boy, he's developed a personality by trying to lure his Daddy out from behind the Daily Telegraph. "Please... love me...!"
- Humanity doesn't deserve the Mercy of an Apocalypse.
- Basically, most of the Human Race is Psychopathic and we should be bulldozed into a mass grave like a load of unwanted greyhounds.
- I was a very bad Catholic. Unless you include my attitude to condoms, in which case I was an amazing Catholic.
- I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist when I watched Derek (2012) get recommissioned twice.
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