- Eleanor Espere: Tell me, Timmy. Have you ever seriously thought of marriage?
- Professor Post: Yes... that's why I'm single.
- Jenkins: Professor, if you'd only go out and find life, you'll enjoy living it.
- Professor Post: Oh, but, Jenkins, how often have I told you, that requires money. And I have saved, in 12 years, exactly $4,564.23. I'm saving that for a rainy day.
- Jenkins: Yes sir. Poor Professor Pervison said that and it rained the day they buried him.
- Eleanor Espere: I think I know what the Professor wants. Does it go something like this?
- [begins dancing]
- Professor Post: That's something like it. Only there should be more sensuosity of the hips. Such as.
- Eleanor Espere: Oh, you mean like this! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...
- Professor Post: Now that is authentic.
- Eleanor Espere: Uh-huh.
- Professor Post: But it would be much more effective - if you were in the nude.
- James: Professor, Professor. That's out. No nudes!
- Professor Post: But, James, it was done so in Athens.
- James: Yeah, they might get away with that in Athens. That's a college town!
- Professor Post: I have thought of getting a broadening experience. But, a person in my position can't very well afford indulgent whims.
- James: Well, how are you, Professor? For the love of Mike, how did you get here?
- Professor Post: Oh, I was vibrated here in a most unusual vehicle.
- James: Professor, to show that I'm on the level, I'm gonna tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna let you take over the show and manage it.
- Professor Post: But, I know nothing whatsoever about the, eh, show business.
- James: Well, who does? That's what makes it a great gig. It's packed full of wallops!
- Professor Post: I would be a broadening experience.
- James: You said it! Runnin' a show is one of the most broadening experiences there is.
- James: Can you swing it? I mean, you got the mazuma?
- Professor Post: The what?
- James: The sugar! I mean the kale. You know what kale is, don't ya?
- Professor Post: Yes. Kale is a vegetable resembling a cabbage.
- James: Listen, what I want to say is, have you got the cush? The copecks? The o'day? The cartwheels?
- Professor Post: Can someone tell me what he's trying to say?
- Professor Post: James, we've been waiting for you. Mr. Rayburn has seen our entertainment.
- Stage Director: I have seen your show; but, not your entertainment.
- Professor Post: Well, what does he mean?
- James: Oh, he's kiddin'.
- Stage Director: No, I'm not kidding. Professor, Broadway stands for a lot of baloney; but, it will never digest a piece of tripe like this!
- Stage Director: What about comedy?
- Professor Post: Well, we could take something from the Greeks.
- James: What Greek?
- Professor Post: Aristophanes is very humorous.
- James: I never caught his act. But, there's a million Greeks in New York. I'll take somethin' from 'em.
- Eleanor Espere: The Sunrise Supper Club. Say, I put that saloon on it's feet. Made it New York's hottest night spot. And when I first went there, it was a Speak Easy!
- Professor Post: Speak easy?
- Eleanor Espere: Yeah, Speak Easy.
- Professor Post: Speak easy? You have unconsciously committed a solipsism. You should purify the verb and say: Speak easily.
- Eleanor Espere: Speak Easily?
- Professor Post: Speak easily.
- James: It's here. It's here! It's here!
- Professor Post: Did something arrive?
- James: I'll say it has. The title for our show: Speak Easily.
- Eleanor Espere: I got legs.
- [hikes up her skirt]
- Professor Post: I assumed as much.
- Eleanor Espere: Assume nothing! Say, get an eyeful of this!
- Eleanor Espere: Don't be sill! And I was thinking, that I would give you the key to my apartment . So, that when you felt like it you could just run up and we could - have a cup of tea?
- Professor Post: Very well. If I should ever feel the need of a cup of tea.
- Pansy Peets: She kissed you, didn't she?
- Professor Post: Oh, yes! You know, she's a very appreciated girl.
- Pansy Peets: Oh, Professor, don't you understand what she means?
- Professor Post: Oh, yes! Yes. She told me that anytime I want to come to her apartment, I could have a cup of tea.
- Pansy Peets: Oh! Well I tell you what you do, Timsy. Anytime you feel the need of a cup of tea, you come to *my* apartment.
- Pansy Peets: You know, I prefer cocoa.
- Eleanor Espere: [enters wearing a negligee] Well, I'm back again, Timmy.
- Professor Post: You wanna take a bath?
- Eleanor Espere: [laughs] You can crack wise, can't you.
- Pansy Peets: The whole thing seems like a dream. Gee, I hope nothing happens!
- James: There you go! You dames are always lookin' for trouble. What could happen?
- Eleanor Espere: Timoleon! Timoleon! We've got an engagement. And you're going to have to do plenty of explaining.
- Professor Post: I am fully aware of the fact that the events of the past few minutes have not been of a strictly conventional order. Therefore I feel it necessary to clarify a situation which otherwise might be filled with doubt. This I will do through the medium of a much-quoted, but pungent phrase: "Nuts to you!"
- Eleanor Espere: Oh! Oh!
- [gasps and runs off]
- Jenkins: Everybody's happy and excited over the drag. Will you be going, sir?
- Professor Post: Oh, no, no. I'd rather sit here and read Aristotle.
- [He turns the book right side up and then continues]
- Professor Post: You know I'm lying, don't you?
- Jenkins: Yes, sir.
- Stage Director: Professor, Broadway stands for a lot of baloney, but it will never digest a piece of tripe like this.
- Professor Post: Oh, what finishing school did you attend?
- Eleanor Espere: Uh, Notre Dame.
- Professor Post: Notre Dame? Notre Dame is not co-educational.
- Eleanor Espere: Uh, heh, well, I was very young, and you know...
- [she changes the subject]
- Professor Post: [to Pansy] You shall dance, as planned.
- Stage Director: Ohhh, it's one of those things. Well, why didn't you tell me in the first place?
- Professor Post: [after Eleanor imitates an ancient Greek dance] Now, that is authentic.
- Eleanor Espere: Uh, huh.
- Professor Post: But it would be much more effective if you were in the nude.
- James: [Falling off the piano stool] Professor, professor! That's out - no nudes.
- Professor Post: But, James, it was done so in Athens.
- James: Yeah, they might get away with that in Athens --- that's a college town.
- Professor Post: I didn't sleep very well myself. I have twitches
- Jenkins: Yes, that's what Prof. Ferguson told me in this very room, the night he shot himself.
- Professor Post: Shot himself?
- Jenkins: [Pointing to where Post is sitting] Yes. In that very chair.
- Professor Post: [Describing ancient Greek dance] That's something like it, only there should be more sinuosity of the legs.
- James: A guy goes into a second hand store and he says to the man, "Is this a second hand store?" And the man says, "Yes." Then, the guy says, "Well, give me a second hand for my watch."
- Professor Post: Was he furnish with a second hand?
- James: [to Reno] It's too subtle. It went over his head like a trapeze act.