- Nicole de Loiselle: [sarcastically] Mr. Brandon, you're terrific. You're gigantic! You're - you're breathtaking. I wish someone would tell you what I really think of you.
- Nicole de Loiselle: I like to see something gay in the morning! Don't you?
- Michael Brandon: Not too darn gay. There's not a laugh in me before breakfast.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, you should try to brighten up your life!
- Michael Brandon: I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, I don't sleep.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Maybe you should see a doctor? By the way, how many pillows do you use?
- Michael Brandon: None.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Did you ever try putting two pillows under your feet?
- Michael Brandon: No.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Don't do it. It's very bad.
- Albert De Regnier: I wish I could help you.
- Nicole de Loiselle: You can! You're the only person I know who works. Albert, how does one get a job?
- Albert De Regnier: Well, what can you do, Nicole?
- Nicole de Loiselle: Nothing. Absolutely, nothing. You know, it's incredible how useless I am. I was thinking about it last night and I got terribly depressed. And then I remembered that you found a job and that encouraged me a lot.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Are you staying here long?
- Michael Brandon: Well, you never can tell. You know, I'm pretty glad I came to the Riviera.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, yes, it's a lovely place. Beautiful. But, the class of people who come here gets worse every year. And this year, we seem to have next year's crowd already!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Here's the check, Mr. Brandon. And let this be a lesson to you: never buy a saddle on a chance that the horse will be thrown in.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Michael, in one word, how many times have you been married.
- Michael Brandon: Well, eh, you've heard about Henry VIII?
- Nicole de Loiselle: You mean six times!
- Michael Brandon: No, seven.
- Nicole de Loiselle: You do believe in marriage.
- Michael Brandon: I feel fine. It was a nice day yesterday. I'll be a nice day today. It'll be a nice day tomorrow. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel very fine. I feel fine. It was a nice day yesterday. It'll be a nice day today. It'll be a nice day tomorrow. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel very fine.
- Nurse: [enters room] How do you today, Mr. Brandon?
- Michael Brandon: Not so good. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel very fine. It was a nice day yesterday. It'll be a nice day today. It'll be a nice day tomorrow.
- [first lines]
- Floorwalker: Bon jour, monsieur. Is there something I could show you?
- Michael Brandon: Pajamas.
- Floorwalker: Will you be so good as to step this way. May I call your attention to the fact that we are featuring a special sale at reduced prices of raincoats, umbrellas, tennis rackets and portable phonographs.
- Michael Brandon: I want some pajamas.
- Floorwalker: May I interest, Monsieur, in a new man's perfume? In these days of greater equality between the sexes, perfume should not be the privilege of ladies only. It is the contention of our management that the man who smells is a thing of the future.
- Michael Brandon: You ought to go a long way.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Take a long word like, eh, Czechoslovakia, for instance, and you spell it backwards.
- Michael Brandon: I can't even spell it forward.
- Michael Brandon: Oh, about this Czechoslovakia, when do I do it?
- Nicole de Loiselle: You go to bed and turn out the lights and then you start. Oh, it's wonderful! And so easy! A -
- [yawns]
- Nicole de Loiselle: I - mmm
- [stretches]
- Nicole de Loiselle: K - ahhh. You only have to worry about Slovakia. By the time you get reach Czech, you're fast asleep.
- Michael Brandon: Who is she?
- Floorwalker: The story writes itself, doesn't it?
- Michael Brandon: What do you mean?
- Floorwalker: Well, a beautiful lady buys a pair of pajamas for a gentleman. She has no husband, she has no brother. Voila!
- Michael Brandon: Woila, what?
- Floorwalker: A lady in love.
- Michael Brandon: Eh! You Frenchmen always think the worst. Maybe it was for an uncle?
- Floorwalker: Oh, no, Monsieur. For an uncle you buy a pipe.
- Michael Brandon: The girl who bought those pants is...
- The Marquis De Loiselle: My daughter.
- Michael Brandon: Is she married?
- The Marquis De Loiselle: No.
- Michael Brandon: Engaged?
- The Marquis De Loiselle: No.
- Michael Brandon: In love with any one?
- The Marquis De Loiselle: No, no, no.
- Michael Brandon: I'll buy the bath tub.
- Albert De Regnier: Someone you know?
- Nicole de Loiselle: I met him once.
- Albert De Regnier: Who is he?
- Nicole de Loiselle: All I know is he only sleeps in the tops of his pajamas.
- [takes a drag from her cigarette]
- Nicole de Loiselle: You seem to be a man full of innuendos.
- Michael Brandon: I just try to make myself clear.
- Michael Brandon: I act on the spur of the moment! I act on impulse!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Now, Mr. Brandon, don't be too spontaneous.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Never say to an Archduke, "Hey, Archie."
- Michael Brandon: You just give me time, I'll learn.
- Nicole de Loiselle: All I know about you is I liked you in a department store and I hated you on a float - and I fell in love with you over a bathtub.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Make up your mind, Michael. Think fast! If you wait much longer it'll be a $150,000. My price goes up every minute.
- Michael Brandon: Well, Nicole, you got me on the spot. I'm so crazy about you...
- The Marquis De Loiselle: Don't rush, my boy, take your time.
- Michael Brandon: It's a deal.
- The Marquis De Loiselle: It's a bargain.
- Aunt Hedwige: It's a scandal!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Here's to our agreement. No lovemaking. No quarrels.
- Michael Brandon: Just like an ordinary married couple.
- Nicole de Loiselle: I said no quarrels.
- Michael Brandon: Now, look here, Nichole, I married you...
- Nicole de Loiselle: No, you didn't. You bought me.
- Michael Brandon: Well, then, fulfill your contract!
- Nicole de Loiselle: [laughing] Micheal, I'm your worst investment. I don't pay any dividends and I'm proud of it.
- Kid Mulligan: But, Mrs. Brandon, he's your husband! You must have loved him once.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Let's not talk about it.
- Kid Mulligan: Oh, come on, Mrs. Brandon, give him a break! Have a heart.
- Nicole de Loiselle: All right, knock him out.
- Michael Brandon: Well, Nicole, you win.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Someone had to win.
- Michael Brandon: I've got to hand it to you. You're the first person that ever licked me.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Why do you think a woman puts a man into a straightjacket? Because she loves him!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Believe me, Michael, I loved you from the moment I saw you. But, you made it impossible. I had to break you down. Now, I didn't want to be just another girl in the Brandon follies.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Things have changed for us both Michael. If I take you now, you can be sure I love you. I'm free, independent, rich! We're on equal terms, Michael.
- Michael Brandon: Stop tickling my face!
- Nicole de Loiselle: That's not tickling, that's caressing.
- Michael Brandon: Then, don't caress me!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Well then, don't pay any attention to it.
- Michael Brandon: Stop caressing me!
- Nicole de Loiselle: No, that's tickling, now. You're so mixed up in your emotions, darling.
- [kiss]
- Michael Brandon: Wait till I get out of this straightjacket. What I'll do to you!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, I can hardly wait, Michael! Michael, Michael, Michael.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Have you been knocked out?
- Kid Mulligan: Plenty. And believe me there's nothin' like it. Aaah, what a sensation. Once I hit the canvas with a bang and the next minute there I was in a Japanese garden, with them pink cherry blossoms. Another time I was floatin' over Constantinople. I tell ya, ya get to see countries ya otherwise couldn't afford to visit.
- Nicole de Loiselle: It sounds perfectly wonderful.
- Kid Mulligan: And the time I fought Battleship McCarty, boy I'll never forget that second round. Now I ask ya Mrs. Brandon, where is there another racket where a man of my weight can feel like a flyin' fish?
- Michael Brandon: This pajama business is a racket and I don't fall for it! Ninety percent of the male population don't sleep in pajama pants, don't want pajama pants; yet, buy pajama pants.
- Nicole de Loiselle: When I was standing at the end of the counter, I was watching you.
- Michael Brandon: You were?
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, I hope you don't mind.
- Michael Brandon: Not a bit.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Well, I said to myself, now, if I had to select pajamas for that gentlemen, what would I choose? And let me tell you, if ever there was a stripy-type, it's you! Why don't you try it on?
- The Marquis De Loiselle: Mr. Brandon, if you won't finance my business project, would you be interested in buying a bath tub?
- Michael Brandon: A what?
- The Marquis De Loiselle: I have in my possession one of the glories of France: the one and only bath tub of Louis XIV.
- Michael Brandon: Sorry, I use a shower.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, it's terrible. We owe everybody! Have you ever had a waiter look at you with un-tipped eyes? And the elevator boy - when I say fourth floor, he says, "Yes, Mademoiselle" and makes a detour through the basement. It's humiliating!
- Michael Brandon: I hate overtures. Lovemaking is the red tape of marriage. It doesn't get you anywhere. I could take you out for three months and send you flowers and all that flap doodle and wouldn't know any more about you than I do right now.
- Michael Brandon: I want some books. I'd say about a, uh, half a dozen.
- Book Salesman: What sort, Monsieur? Fiction? We have some very exciting new detective stories.
- Michael Brandon: No, no. Nothing like that. I want something to quiet me down. Something to put me to sleep.
- Book Salesman: Something to put you to sleep? Oh, what you want are the classics.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Yes, and put in one volume of poetry, in case you need a quick nap. There's nothing like blank verse right after lunch.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Let's not quarrel again. We fought all over Europe. You've presented your arguments in every historical spot. The pigeons in Venice are still frightened.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, it's wonderful not to be under parental control anymore. That's what I love about marriage!
- Michael Brandon: [after reading "Taming of the Shrew", marches into Nichole's room, smiles, takes Nicole across his knee, starts spanking her behind] Shakespeare!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh! Oh, Michael! Michael, don't do that! Stop it! Ow!
- Nicole de Loiselle: What are the plans for tonight?
- Michael Brandon: Well, first I thought we'd have a little dinner here and then the choice is yours. I have tickets for the Russian ballet and tickets for the prizefight. It's absolutely up to you.
- Nicole de Loiselle: If you keep your part of the agreement, I'll be very generous. We'll go to the prizefights. But, the slightest slip and you'll find yourself at the Russian ballet.
- Michael Brandon: [singing] Lookie, lookie, lookie, Here comes cookie, walking down the street, Lookie, lookie, lookie, I call her cookie, cause she's sweet.
- Michael Brandon: [singing] Lookie, lookie, lookie, I call her cookie, cause she takes the cake.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, the department store, that's where I met you.
- Michael Brandon: Yes! You called me the stripy-type.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh and I meant every stripe of it! Oh, I could have taken you in my arms and kissed you right then and there.
- Michael Brandon: [singing] Lookie, lookie, lookie, Here comes cookie...
- Nicole de Loiselle: [laughing] Oh, no, Michael. No, no, Michael, no. You promised me, Michael. No, no, you promised. No! No. No, Michael! No, let me go. No, Michael.
- Michael Brandon: You don't want me to. You're just pretending.
- Nicole de Loiselle: No, Michael, between you and me there's a whole world of seven wives.
- Michael Brandon: Stop being jealous. I'll tell you, I've forgotten they exist!
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, that's just it! You will buy wives just like - like shirts. And after you've worn them, you toss them away!
- Michael Brandon: Don't talk yourself into a laundry complex. Nichole!
- [kiss]
- Nicole de Loiselle: No, Micheal. No, Michael. Don't do that, Michael.
- Michael Brandon: Oh, Nicole, be sensible. I mean, don't be sensible. Don't hide your emotions.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Oh, Michael.
- Monsieur Pepinard: Don't forget, Pepinard & Pepinard is a first class firm. You will find that out when you get our bill.
- Nicole de Loiselle: Your wife has to stay home all day. And she's such a pretty little woman.
- Monsieur Pepinard: Oh, thank you, very much.
- Nicole de Loiselle: A little plump. But, it gives her a certain charm.