- S. Quentin Quale: Madam why is that baby constantly crying?
- Mother on Stagecoach: He can't stand the jerks in the coach.
- S. Quentin Quale: I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
- S. Quentin Quale: There's only one law in the west: the law of blood and bullets. It's either shoot or be shot. What are we gonna do?
- Joseph Panello: Sue 'em!
- Joseph Panello: My father-a shot the Indians in eighteen forty-two
- S. Quentin Quale: Oh, he should-a shot the stork-a, when the stork-a brought-a you.
- S. Quentin Quale: [dramatically] Suppose I brought you to my country place at Drooling-on-the-Lapel? What- what would my people say?
- Drunk in Saloon: Burp.
- S. Quentin Quale: Well, they'd phrase it more delicately.
- [as Quale destroys Rusty's first hat]
- Joseph Panello: Hey whataya do with that hat; that hat cost a lotta money.
- S. Quentin Quale: How much did it cost him?
- Joseph Panello: I dunno; he stole it.
- [Indicating a gag around the train engineer's mouth]
- S. Quentin Quale: Didya know this is the best gag in the picture?
- S. Quentin Quale: [Obviously intoxicated, commenting on his glass having just been shot in half by Baxter] Less whiskey next time my glass can't take it.
- Indian: White man talk too much. Make Chief heap mad.
- S. Quentin Quale: White man, red man's friend. White man want to make friends with red brother.
- Joseph Panello: And sister, too.
- Joe Panello: Don't be afraid. If any trouble starts, we'll telephone for help.
- S. Quentin Quale: Telephone? This is 1870. Don Ameche hasn't invented the telephone yet!
- S. Quentin Quale: Now, this is the kind of hat they're wearing this season. This is the 1870 model. It's what they call a pioneer's cap.
- [Put's the Daniel Boone hat, backwards, on 'Rusty']
- Joseph Panello: Isn't that tail supposed to be in the back.
- S. Quentin Quale: Not on him. That's genuine beaver.
- Joseph Panello: It's pretty.
- S. Quentin Quale: No, now I'll stroke it. It's still my hat, you know. That'll be ten dollars.
- Joseph Panello: Ten dollars you want for that old beaver?
- S. Quentin Quale: I'm not in business for love, you know. I was in love once and I got the business.
- S. Quentin Quale: Panello, this Indian is no Indian!
- Joseph Panello: If he's no Indian, why is he wearin' a chicken for a hat?
- S. Quentin Quale: Oh, stop it! Trying to pass yourself off as a red man. Why, you can't even speak the language. Let me hear you recite Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
- Indian Chief: Ugh.
- Joseph Panello: That's not it.
- S. Quentin Quale: If it is, they've shortened it since I went to school. And you call yourself a red man.
- S. Quentin Quale: I'll sell Baxter the deed then if you can get your father's consent we'll get married if I can get my wife's consent.
- [Arriving at the RR Station]
- S. Quentin Quale: Any of you boys got change ah ten cents?
- Porter: No.
- S. Quentin Quale: Well, keep the baggage.
- S. Quentin Quale: There's something corrupt going on around my pants, and I just can't seem to locate it.
- S. Quentin Quale: You know there's a drunk sitting at the first table who looks exactly like you? And one who looks exactly like me. Dull, isn't it?
- S. Quentin Quale: Are you insinuating that the white man is not the Indian's friend? Ha! Who swindled you out of Manhattan Island for 24 dollars?
- Joseph Panello: White man.
- S. Quentin Quale: Who turned you into wood and stood you in front of a cigar store?
- Joseph Panello: White man.
- S. Quentin Quale: Who put your head on a nickel and then took the nickel away?
- Joseph Panello: Slot machine.
- S. Quentin Quale: Members of the tribe - I rest my case.
- S. Quentin Quale: This is the last hat of it's kind. The beaver's have stopped making them. They're all out playing football. Ten dollars.
- Joseph Panello: Well, he's a poor boy. He'll give you a dollar. Will you take it?
- S. Quentin Quale: Well, I'll take it but I'm only making a buck on it.
- Dan Wilson: You got to take some security. And I ain't got no security except a deed to Dead Man's Gulch.
- Joseph Panello: Oh, no, we no take-a your land.
- Dan Wilson: Oh, I'd feel better if you took it. Don't reckon its worth ten dollars, though. A fellow named Turner sold it to me about 40 year ago. Got me for my last cent. If you boys meet up with any Turner in this territory, shoot first.
- Joseph Panello: First we steal his gun, then we shoot.
- Joseph Panello: Rusty, I no like-a the West. All-a the people do is kill each other. I like-a the West better if it was in the East. Let's get outta here.
- S. Quentin Quale: Let's go somewhere where we can be alone. Ah, there doesn't seem to be anyone on this couch.
- S. Quentin Quale: Any resemblance between these two characters and living persons is purely accidental.
- Terry Turner: It takes a smart man to know when he's licked. But, maybe between the two of you, there's enough brains to figure it out.
- S. Quentin Quale: He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth, he'd burn for three days.
- Joseph Panello: See, you got the Chief mad! Let me talk to him.
- S. Quentin Quale: Can you talk Indian?
- Joseph Panello: I was born in Indianapolis!
- S. Quentin Quale: What did he say?
- Joseph Panello: He said, first they're going to give us a fair trial, then they kill us.
- Indian Pete - Halfbreed: Chief like pale face who no talk. You pale face friend. Chief like you too.
- S. Quentin Quale: Red man, you're a white man.
- S. Quentin Quale: [Noticing an attractive Indian girl has got Harpo all excited] She gave him the Indian sign.
- S. Quentin Quale: [pulls out a necklace] How would you like a little necklace that formerly belonged to the Czarina of Russia?
- Indian girl: No like. Me want Cadillac sedan.
- S. Quentin Quale: *She's* been off the reservation...
- [tosses necklace away]
- S. Quentin Quale: [as Harpo and the Indian chief are having a completely unintelligible conversation] You know, it's stimulating when two giant intellects get together.
- Beecher: How dare you, you meddlesome fool?
- S. Quentin Quale: [Pulls back his jacket, ready to fight] I heard that! If you weren't smaller than me, I'd flog the daylights out of you!
- Beecher: [Stands up, showing his height] But I'm bigger than you.
- S. Quentin Quale: Well, that's another reason.
- S. Quentin Quale: [Indicates to an Indian] Who's that?
- Indian Pete - Halfbreed: Him medicine man.
- S. Quentin Quale: That's a medicine man? Can you imagine taking a teaspoonful of HIM every 3 hours?
- Beecher: In all my long business experience, I've dealt with every important oil firm, and I've never heard of your company.
- S. Quentin Quale: You haven't? Evidently, you don't read the bankruptcy notices.
- S. Quentin Quale: [surrounded by Indians] Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want a scalp treatment.