Knock on Wood (1954)
Danny Kaye: Jerry Morgan, Papa Morgan, Clarence
Photos
Quotes
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Jerry Morgan : You know, I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm a little bit peculiar, but that's not crazy.
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Doctor Kreuger : [noticing recognition between Jerry and Ilse] You two know each other?
Jerry Morgan : Uh, no, not really. We slept in the same room last night. Uh... Uh, I-I mean... Uh, but I mean, we took a shower together. Uh, actually, we've never been actually introduced.
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Car Salesman : I say, what did you think of the Himalayas?
Jerry Morgan : Loved him, hated her.
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Car Salesman : Was there any particular model you had in mind?
Jerry Morgan : [Dressed to kill, with a snobbish British accent] I don't know, actually. Possibly four wheels and perhaps an engine or some sort of thing, you see.
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[as the stage show's end, the ventriloquist's dummy asserts itself]
Jerry Morgan : [speaking of his fiancee] Really, folks, she's a beautiful, wonderful girl. I wish you could see her.
Clarence : Yeah, you should see her. A blonde, blue-eyed, baby-faced purse-snatcher.
Jerry Morgan : Clarence!
Clarence : A peroxide octopus.
Jerry Morgan : Quiet!
Clarence : Fifteen hands and they're all in his pockets.
Jerry Morgan : Clarence! Please!
Clarence : A hundred and ten pounds of well-stacked rattlesnakes!
Jerry Morgan : Clarence!
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Jerry Morgan : Mr. Papinek, you're a Frenchman, and the French are supposed to know about these things. I'd like to ask you something. Now, how can you tell when you're really in love?
Maurice Papinek : [having fixed his dolls] Remember, you must not touch.
Jerry Morgan : Not even if you're in love?
Maurice Papinek : Not until the glue hardens.
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Godfrey Langston : [looking out the airplane window] Tell me, Mr. Morgan, how many stars would you say there were out there?
Jerry Morgan : Well... Stars? There in the sky stars?
Godfrey Langston : Yes.
Jerry Morgan : Hm. Well, uh, I-I don't know offhand. I-I, uh, I would say way up in the thousands.
Godfrey Langston : A hundred thousand?
Jerry Morgan : Well, uh, I think more than that.
Godfrey Langston : Two hundred thousand?
Jerry Morgan : Uh, nooooo. Possibly a little bit more.
Godfrey Langston : Three hundred thousand.
Jerry Morgan : I-I don't like to seem impertinent, Mr. Langston, but that's the Milky Way.
Godfrey Langston : Very well, Mr. Morgan. How many would you say there were?
Jerry Morgan : Stars? Well, uh, I'd say about a million.
Godfrey Langston : A million?
Jerry Morgan : Yeah... about.
Godfrey Langston : Very well, Mr. Morgan. Let us say a million.
Jerry Morgan : Very well, Mr. Langston, let's.
Godfrey Langston : Good.
[They shake hands, Jerry not realizing he just negotiated the financial side of an espionage deal]
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Jerry Morgan : Listen, if this keeps up you'll get us kicked out of Switzerland.
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Laslo Gromeck : [stopping Jerry on his way back form the ladies' lavatory] Where is it?
Jerry Morgan : Uh, third door on the right, but lock the door - they'll walk right in on ya.
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Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : Tell me, Jerry, why are you so unhappy?
Jerry Morgan : [regressed to when he was five-years-old] Because my mummy and daddy are always fighting and yelling and screaming at each other and throwing things and everything.
Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : And why do they do that?
Jerry Morgan : They have to - they're married.
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Jerry Morgan : Oh, and by he way, when you see Papinek, give him my regards... and tell him, Gromek. Gromek ever so much.
Laslo Gromeck : Gromek ever so much. Gromek ever so much? Huh?
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Laslo Gromeck : Don't you understand - I'm Gromek.
Jerry Morgan : Hmmm.
Laslo Gromeck : Gromek - G-R-O-M-E-K.
Jerry Morgan : Well, that spells Gromek all right.
Laslo Gromeck : Maybe this will help. I'm a friend of Brodnik.
Jerry Morgan : Hmmm?
Laslo Gromeck : Brodnik - B-R-O-D-N-I-K.
Jerry Morgan : Well, that doesn't help , but you sure can spell.
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Jerry Morgan : You know, I just read an article. It said in the article, that you never get air sick if you have something on your stomach.
Marty Brown : Please - don't say stomach.
Jerry Morgan : What'd you have for dinner?
Marty Brown : I don't wanna think about it.
Jerry Morgan : Well, you should think about it. The article said you should think about it. It eases the tension, relaxes the stomach muscles.
Marty Brown : Please - don't say stomach.
Jerry Morgan : Marty, don't be a child. You've gotta fight this thing. Now tell me, what'd you have for dinner?
Marty Brown : Well, first I had a little... chicken soup.
Jerry Morgan : Chicken soup? Well, chicken soup is wonderful. It's light, nourishing, warm going down, settles the stomach
Marty Brown : Please - don't say stomach.
Jerry Morgan : Well, what else did you have for dinner?
Marty Brown : Lobster.
Jerry Morgan : Lobster? Good, good. Lobster, very good, high protein content, iodine. Very good, indeed. Did you have it boiled?
Marty Brown : No - thermidor.
Jerry Morgan : Oh, thermidor.
Marty Brown : With a thick cheese sauce.
Jerry Morgan : That's nice -- thick... cheese sauce.
Marty Brown : Then, uh, some chicken tetrazzini, broccoli with hollandaise sauce, and a chopped anchovy salad with a Roquefort dressing. Then, for desert...
Jerry Morgan : No names - just initials.
Marty Brown : Baked Alaska, with a rich, creamy, fluffy, sugary...
Jerry Morgan : All right! All right!
Marty Brown : Say, you know - you were right. My stomach feels much better.
Jerry Morgan : Please - don't say stomach.
Marty Brown : Don't you feel well?
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Jerry Morgan : Dr. Nordstrom, I'd like to explain about this morning. I'm really not in the habit of taking showers with strange women... or even those I know very well.
Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : Please...
[She's about to give him an injection]
Jerry Morgan : But I want to assure you, doctor, that if I had to take a shower with someone,. There's no one in the world I would rather... You better give me that shot.
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Jerry Morgan : If we had to sleep in the same room with the deviated septum of yours...
Marty Brown : Stop worrying, will you.
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Jerry Morgan : Would you like to dance?
Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : You may be sorry. I'll probably be all feet.
Jerry Morgan : Yeah, but the rest of you makes it so worthwhile. C'mon!
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Jerry Morgan : It's all so simple, anybody could understand it. There was Brodnik and Gromek, and Shoshlik and Brutchik. Now, Gromek got it from Brodnik, who brought it to Shoshlik, who in turn gave it to Brutchik. You see, the stuff was in Clarence
[his wooden dummy]
Jerry Morgan : but it was also in Terence
[his other wooden dummy]
Jerry Morgan : . Now, they didn't know Clarence from Terence, or Terence from Clarence. So, Gromek killed Shoshlik. Have you got that? G-R-O-M-E-K.
Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : Mmm hmm.
Jerry Morgan : Gromek killed the first Shoshllik. The second Shoshlik got Papinek.
Chief Inspector Wilton : Papinek?
Jerry Morgan : Yeah.
Chief Inspector Wilton : Maurice Papinek?
Jerry Morgan : Yes, but he's not important. He's not the brains. That's him - that's the spy.
[Pointing to Godfrey Langston]
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Hotel Clerk : Mr. Brown will be in 311, and you will be in 312.
Jerry Morgan : Gromek
Hotel Clerk : No, Gromek is in 418.
Marty Brown : Easy language to pick up?
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English Desk Clerk : The Ripper?
[Yelling down the hall]
English Desk Clerk : The Red-headed Ripper!
Jerry Morgan : No! No! I'm... .
[He hurries away]
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Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : [When Jerry wakes up in the bed next to hers in her hotel room] What are you doing here?
Jerry Morgan : [Thought he had wandered half asleep into Marty's room in the middle of the night to escape the loud radiator] Where is Marty?
Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : Marty?
Jerry Morgan : This is strictly a business trip, and he knows it. Now where is he?
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Jerry Morgan : Oh, mister, you dropped something.
[Hands cigarette case back to Gromek who had set it in front of him]
Laslo Gromeck : Gromek.
Jerry Morgan : You're welcome.
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Jerry Morgan : [Pretending to be an exclusive car salesman] Oh, uh, there's a very interesting feature here I must show you.
Car Customer : Oh, what is it?
Jerry Morgan : Well, it's our overhead, underslung, oscillating compression decraminator.
[sic]
Car Customer : Oh, what does it decraminate?
Jerry Morgan : Uh, the degastachimba.
[sic]
Car Customer : Curious - it looks just like the hubcap.
Jerry Morgan : Well, as a matter of fact, it tis.
[sic]
Jerry Morgan : Except when you're decraminating, of course, which you only do in low gear, as out on the open road, what!
Car Customer : Has everything, hasn't it?
Jerry Morgan : Hasn't it. I say, shall we get cranking?
[sic]
Car Customer : Good idea, yes.
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Jerry Morgan : [to Laslo Gromek] Well, uh, Gromek very much.
Jerry Morgan : [to Marty Brown] You know, this is an easy language to pick up.
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Doctor Kreuger : Why do they fight?
Jerry Morgan : [Under sedation] Because, mommy says that daddy is always looking at Zelda, the fire eater. And then, of course, there's his drinking.
Dr. Ilse Nordstrom : And just how bad is that?
Jerry Morgan : I don't know, but mommy says that if you can buy it, burn it, or bottle it; if you could sip it, swallow it, gurgle it or gargle it; if you could squirt it out of a bottle or squeeze it out of a damn bread, or just put it in a glass and swish it around - he'll drink it.
