- [first lines]
- Minister with Heart Attack: In reply to the honourable member's question, I can only say... Uhh...
- [collapses]
- Lord Henry Mayley: I've always considered murder to be rather un-English. I mean, one's got to draw the line somewhere, hasn't one?
- Sonny MacGregor: I'm having a day's rough shooting and I want some bullets, please.
- Gunsmith: Cartridges? Certainly, sir. Any particular make?
- Sonny MacGregor: No, as long as they've got gunpowder in them.
- Gunsmith: What bore?
- Sonny MacGregor: Boar? No, no. A few rabbits, pheasants, small fry, you know.
- Gunsmith: No, no, no, sir. Bore. B-O-R-E.
- Sonny MacGregor: Bore!
- [laughs]
- Sonny MacGregor: Hmm?
- Gunsmith: 12, 20 or 4-10?
- Sonny MacGregor: Er... Definitely, yes.
- Gunsmith: Well, which, sir?
- Sonny MacGregor: Well, the largest you have, surely.
- Gunsmith: 12-bore. How many, sir? 50?
- Sonny MacGregor: No. No, I think you'd better make it a thousand.
- Gunsmith: A thousand?
- Sonny MacGregor: Yes.
- Gunsmith: But didn't you say a day's rough shooting?
- Sonny MacGregor: Yes, I did, er... and it may be pretty rough. On second thoughts, I think you'd better make it fifteen hundred, perhaps.
- Lord Henry Mayley: How do I look, Lucy?
- Lady Lucy Mayley: Very chick.
- Lord Henry Mayley: Chick? Thought the word was chic.
- Lady Lucy Mayley: Yes, darling, it is; but not when applied to you.
- [MacGregor's false mustache has started coming loose]
- Lord Henry Mayley: Your mustache...
- Sonny MacGregor: Oh, yes, sir. I... I got the creeping alopecia, sir. Yes, sir, it crept all over my lip, it did. Yes, sir.
- Ethel Ransom: Oh, Mumsie, what have you done?
- Flora Ransom: What have *I* done? *You* have murdered an innocent bystander, that's what.
- Lord Henry Mayley: Never seen her before. It's a lie.
- Lady Lucy Mayley: What is?
- Lord Henry Mayley: Whatever she says I've done.
- Lord Henry Mayley: I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Mayley, Lord Mayley.
- Rev. Bastable: Oh.
- Lord Henry Mayley: And this is Miss Right.
- Rev. Bastable: Oh, congratulations.
- Lord Henry Mayley: Oh, no, no! That's her name.
- Flora Ransom: Yes, they're onto us all right. He's one of those plainclothes brutes disguised as an ordinary policeman.
- Sonny MacGregor: I'm very sorry to trouble you at this hour, but, um, is your husband there?
- [He points to the library]
- Lady Lucy Mayley: Not all there, I'm thinking.
- Lord Henry Mayley: Good heavens. Sir Hutton Eastbrook! He's on the board of my directors. He'll have to go. We can't employ disgusting people like that.
- [Rev Bastable awakes, rather confused after being drugged]
- Rev. Bastable: I seem to have dropped off.
- [he sees MacGregor who is dressed as a policeman, now minus his false moustache]
- Rev. Bastable: Before I dropped off, didn't you have a moustache, Sergeant?
- Flora Ransom: Yes, Cedric, that dropped off too.
- Nigel Dennis: I, myself, am running a modest little magazine in England entitled, "The Naked Truth".
- Lord Henry Mayley: Rather a vulgar title, isn't it?
- Nigel Dennis: Vulgar perhaps, but terribly apt.
- Lord Henry Mayley: Charming of you. I shall thoroughly enjoy reading this. Rather naughty, I believe.
- Lord Henry Mayley: You can't print this. You *can't* print this. It's libel!
- Nigel Dennis: It's the naked truth, oh Lord.
- Lord Henry Mayley: If it's about me, why is it titled, "Guess Who?"
- Nigel Dennis: Because as British law stands, the public mustn't be able to positively identify you, Lord Mayley, with the naughty hero of this article, here.
- Lord Henry Mayley: Naughty?
- Authoress: Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen, contrary to a wide-spread rumor, I am a woman. The fact that I write of detection, crime and sudden death, and prefer the title of D. Mandeville, to that of my own name of Desiree Minsch, is probably responsible for this misconception.
- Sonny MacGregor: I haven't got 10,000 Pounds.
- Nigel Dennis: Spoken like a true Scot! But, where's bonnie accent gone?
- T.V. Announcer: And now, let me introduce you to the star of the show, the man who made it all possible, the jack of all faces, the king of kindness, and the ace of good hearts: wee Sonny MacGregor
- Nigel Dennis: Don't bother to consult your lawyers. I've consulted three and they all say that it's foolproof. Take your choice, Sonny boy. Pay in a fortnight or I publish in a month. Oh, don't bother to kick me out.
- [exits]
- Sonny MacGregor: I couldn't. But, someone else - might.
- Porter: Who?
- Sonny MacGregor: Anyone. Anyone of a thousand characters that I can create and then destroy - just like that.
- Porter: What are you going on about, Mr. M?
- Sonny MacGregor: Murder, Porter. Murder. Murder by a person or persons unknown. By someone who doesn't even exist. A will o' the wisp. Murder by a figment of my imagination.
- Authoress: I get all dope on drugs from a little crook called Maury Fish. He hangs around an East End pub called the Limehouse Arms.
- Sonny MacGregor: I can smile - and murder while I smile.
- Porter: Oh, dear.
- Sonny MacGregor: I will drown more sailors than mermaids...
- Porter: It's the Old Vic trouble, isn't it, sir?
- Sonny MacGregor: I'll play the orator as well as Nestor, deceive more slyly than Ulysses could, and like a Sinon - take another Troy!
- Porter: Mr. M, the tele's one thing, but, real life's quite another. You'd only go and overdo it.
- Sonny MacGregor: Why should I?
- Porter: Because you always do. Frankly, you always overact most dreadfully.
- Nigel Dennis: You make a lot of money, don't you?
- Lord Henry Mayley: Yes. My wife spends a lot of money. If there's any left over, I spend it.
- Sonny MacGregor: A bomb. Yes, a bomb will do it. You see, a bomb will blow he and his records and the barge to kingdom come - and, yet, it wouldn't hurt anyone else. Yes! But where do we get a bomb from?
- Porter: Well, if you only want a little one, I suppose you'd have to go to Ireland for that.
- Ethel Ransom: Supposing he doesn't fall?
- Flora Ransom: Then you will have a lot to answer for - you provided the dope.
- Lord Henry Mayley: You asked me here! Surely you can't have forgotten what happened the other night. You got me out of bed! Well, didn't you?
- Rev. Bastable: Ethel, many years ago, your father was in China. Money was short. I was young, beautiful. It was easy, and so it was I. I fell by the wayside.
- Lady Lucy Mayley: So, you slipped, darling. But, so do tons of people. You found your feet again.
- Rev. Bastable: For some months I lost my head completely.