Carry on Cruising (1962)

Cyril Chamberlain: Tom Tree

Quotes 

• [Haines, while looking for the kitchen, enters a small cabin] 

  Wilfred Haines : Well, this isn't the kitchen!

  Tom Tree : I should say not. It's the Captain's day cabin.

  Wilfred Haines : [looking around]  Cozy, very cozy. I don't suppose you know where the kitchen is?

  Tom Tree : Sorry, chum, I'm a stranger round here myself.

  Wilfred Haines : Another new face? You'll cop the lot!

  [Haines exits] 

• [Captain Crowther enters his cabin, and finds Tom Tree putting clothes in the drawers] 

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Don't tell me. You're my new steward. Lovall has broken his leg. You've only done three trips, all from Tower Bridge to Margate.

  Tom Tree : That's right, sir. How can you tell?

  Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm psychic!

  [the Captain glances at his list] 

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Tom Tree.

  Tom Tree : That's right, sir. Branches everywhere!

• Wilfred Haines : Well, well, what's this conference all about then?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Now gentlemen, to this Captain, we are new faces. And thus such, our every word, our every action, is subject to infinitesimal scrutiny.

  Dr Arthur Binn : He means the Captain's got his beady eye on us.

  Tom Tree : Oh-ho!

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Precisely. Now gentleman, I take it we all yearn to serve on the new Atlantic liner?

  Wilfred Haines , Tom Tree , Sam Turner : Oh, yes! Of course. Yes.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Good, good. Now the mind of the Captain works in a strange way. Let one newcomer make an error, or commit an indiscretion, or...

  Dr Arthur Binn : Drop a clanger, lads.

  [Tom, Turner and Haines all nod in understanding] 

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : And all newcomers are all tarred with the same brush. Prejudice this may be, but fact it undoubtedly is. Gentlemen, have I your agreement for policy for unremitting quasi-Teutonic organizational perfectionism?

  Dr Arthur Binn : [sighing]  He means fingers out.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : So heave to, gentlemen. Our first major opportunity to impress is now!. Tonight!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton. Without getting a scratch! Two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [answering a knock at the door]  Come in!

  Wilfred Haines : [humming cheerfully as he enters]  Good morning sir! Some coffee to soothe your nerves. Calm you down. There, there, I always say worse things happen at sea.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : We are at sea, you land-locked nit!

  Wilfred Haines : Well, you wouldn't know it. These modern stabilizers are marvelous...

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [answering a knock on door]  Come in! You're late.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up. What with his face, and his wrist, and your nut... erm... your head, sir. Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?

  Wilfred Haines , Tom Tree , Sam Turner : Good!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Shut up. I usually penalize defaulters by stopping 'em a day's pay. If I did that with you, you'd owe the company money. So I'll have to be content with a few words. You, for a start, Marjoribanks.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm in the mood for using the right words. You, Marjoribanks, are a rotten...

  [the scene cuts as a seagull squawks] 

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : [after he and Binn and all the others exit the Captain's dayroom]  I tell you, my ears are burning.

  Dr Arthur Binn : I shouldn't wonder. Someone's been talking about you.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Do you think he's ever studied medicine?

  Dr Arthur Binn : I wouldn't think so, no. Why?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : In describing us, he employed a great deal of physiological terminology.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Well, he was medically incorrect in what he called you. Come on.

  [Marjoribanks looks at the Doctor in mock horror]