Carry on Cruising (1962)

Sidney James: Captain Wellington Crowther

Photos 

Quotes 

• Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm going to be blunt, and make some very cutting remarks.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : To be sure, sir, that's a contradiction in terms, but then English is a very curious language!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : If you interrupt me once more, Mr... .?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Marjoribanks, sir.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : You interrupt me once more, mate, and you'll hear some really curious language!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : Paperwork: not my favourite occupation.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Nor mine.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : It's going to be from now on.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Charming.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Health Report, Dock Report, Crew Report, Food Report, Log Report, Sports Report, Diesel Oil and Fuel Report.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : [singing]  And a partridge in a pear tree!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : Flo! Ebb a bit.

• First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : I always find the first few days make me feel quite drowsy.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Shut your port-hole.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Begging your pardon, sir, one must have fresh...

  Captain Wellington Crowther : ...and your cake-hole.

• [Captain Crowther enters his cabin, and finds Tom Tree putting clothes in the drawers] 

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Don't tell me. You're my new steward. Lovall has broken his leg. You've only done three trips, all from Tower Bridge to Margate.

  Tom Tree : That's right, sir. How can you tell?

  Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm psychic!

  [the Captain glances at his list] 

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Tom Tree.

  Tom Tree : That's right, sir. Branches everywhere!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : [walking into bar]  Who are you?

  Sam Turner : Me, sir? Turner, sir.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Turner?

  Sam Turner : Turner, sir.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : What are you doin' 'ere?

  Sam Turner : Head barman, sir.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : You can't be head barman. Angus is my head barman.

  Sam Turner : [smiling]  Not anymore, sir.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Not any more? They can't do this to me! Changing a barman? It's like ripping out the engine!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : [on the phone]  Get me the First Officer.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [as Marjoribanks knocks on door twice immediately after the Captain's statement and enters]  Come in. What delayed you?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : I'm terribly sorry, sir.

• Captain Wellington Crowther : During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton. Without getting a scratch! Two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [answering a knock at the door]  Come in!

  Wilfred Haines : [humming cheerfully as he enters]  Good morning sir! Some coffee to soothe your nerves. Calm you down. There, there, I always say worse things happen at sea.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : We are at sea, you land-locked nit!

  Wilfred Haines : Well, you wouldn't know it. These modern stabilizers are marvelous...

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [answering a knock on door]  Come in! You're late.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up. What with his face, and his wrist, and your nut... erm... your head, sir. Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?

  Wilfred Haines , Tom Tree , Sam Turner : Good!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Shut up. I usually penalize defaulters by stopping 'em a day's pay. If I did that with you, you'd owe the company money. So I'll have to be content with a few words. You, for a start, Marjoribanks.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm in the mood for using the right words. You, Marjoribanks, are a rotten...

  [the scene cuts as a seagull squawks] 

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : [after he and Binn and all the others exit the Captain's dayroom]  I tell you, my ears are burning.

  Dr Arthur Binn : I shouldn't wonder. Someone's been talking about you.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Do you think he's ever studied medicine?

  Dr Arthur Binn : I wouldn't think so, no. Why?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : In describing us, he employed a great deal of physiological terminology.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Well, he was medically incorrect in what he called you. Come on.

  [Marjoribanks looks at the Doctor in mock horror]