Carry on Cruising (1962)

Kenneth Williams: First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks

Photos 

Quotes 

• Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm going to be blunt, and make some very cutting remarks.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : To be sure, sir, that's a contradiction in terms, but then English is a very curious language!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : If you interrupt me once more, Mr... .?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Marjoribanks, sir.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : You interrupt me once more, mate, and you'll hear some really curious language!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : Paperwork: not my favourite occupation.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Nor mine.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : It's going to be from now on.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Charming.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Health Report, Dock Report, Crew Report, Food Report, Log Report, Sports Report, Diesel Oil and Fuel Report.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : [singing]  And a partridge in a pear tree!

• First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : I always find the first few days make me feel quite drowsy.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Shut your port-hole.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Begging your pardon, sir, one must have fresh...

  Captain Wellington Crowther : ...and your cake-hole.

• Wilfred Haines : [Haines, having come to sick bay for a sea-sickness cure, refuses to have an injection in his arm]  I can't bear to see the needle going in, you see.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Well, in that case there's only one other place for it to go. Drop 'em!

  Wilfred Haines : I'm not holding them, whatever they are!

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : I gather the Doctor means your trousers.

  Wilfred Haines : Oh. What!

• Dr Arthur Binn : [in a very bad Spanish accent]  Ole, señor!

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Oh, hello Binn.

  Dr Arthur Binn : No, señor. I am the famous Torero from Madrid.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : You look exactly like our medical officer, Dr Binn.

  Dr Arthur Binn : No, Señor. This afternoon I fight fifteen bulls.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : That's an awful lot of bull.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Well, my father he breeds the famous fighting bulls, you know. Every year, fifty thousand bulls he sends off by ship to South America.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Fifty thousand bulls?

  Dr Arthur Binn : Si, si. Also every year, twenty thousand more he ships off to France.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : That's seventy thousand bulls.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Si, si. One of the biggest bullshippers in the business.

• Wilfred Haines : Well, well, what's this conference all about then?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Now gentlemen, to this Captain, we are new faces. And thus such, our every word, our every action, is subject to infinitesimal scrutiny.

  Dr Arthur Binn : He means the Captain's got his beady eye on us.

  Tom Tree : Oh-ho!

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Precisely. Now gentleman, I take it we all yearn to serve on the new Atlantic liner?

  Wilfred Haines , Tom Tree , Sam Turner : Oh, yes! Of course. Yes.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Good, good. Now the mind of the Captain works in a strange way. Let one newcomer make an error, or commit an indiscretion, or...

  Dr Arthur Binn : Drop a clanger, lads.

  [Tom, Turner and Haines all nod in understanding] 

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : And all newcomers are all tarred with the same brush. Prejudice this may be, but fact it undoubtedly is. Gentlemen, have I your agreement for policy for unremitting quasi-Teutonic organizational perfectionism?

  Dr Arthur Binn : [sighing]  He means fingers out.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : So heave to, gentlemen. Our first major opportunity to impress is now!. Tonight!

• Captain Wellington Crowther : [on the phone]  Get me the First Officer.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [as Marjoribanks knocks on door twice immediately after the Captain's statement and enters]  Come in. What delayed you?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : I'm terribly sorry, sir.

• Captain Wellington Crowther : During the War I did Arctic runs that would've made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton. Without getting a scratch! Two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [answering a knock at the door]  Come in!

  Wilfred Haines : [humming cheerfully as he enters]  Good morning sir! Some coffee to soothe your nerves. Calm you down. There, there, I always say worse things happen at sea.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : We are at sea, you land-locked nit!

  Wilfred Haines : Well, you wouldn't know it. These modern stabilizers are marvelous...

  Captain Wellington Crowther : [answering a knock on door]  Come in! You're late.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up. What with his face, and his wrist, and your nut... erm... your head, sir. Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?

  Wilfred Haines , Tom Tree , Sam Turner : Good!

  Captain Wellington Crowther : Shut up. I usually penalize defaulters by stopping 'em a day's pay. If I did that with you, you'd owe the company money. So I'll have to be content with a few words. You, for a start, Marjoribanks.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last.

  Captain Wellington Crowther : I'm in the mood for using the right words. You, Marjoribanks, are a rotten...

  [the scene cuts as a seagull squawks] 

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : [after he and Binn and all the others exit the Captain's dayroom]  I tell you, my ears are burning.

  Dr Arthur Binn : I shouldn't wonder. Someone's been talking about you.

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : Do you think he's ever studied medicine?

  Dr Arthur Binn : I wouldn't think so, no. Why?

  First Officer Leonard Marjoribanks : In describing us, he employed a great deal of physiological terminology.

  Dr Arthur Binn : Well, he was medically incorrect in what he called you. Come on.

  [Marjoribanks looks at the Doctor in mock horror]