Alfie (1966)

Michael Caine: Alfie

Photos 

Quotes 

• [final words of the film] 

  Alfie : You know what? When I look back on my little life and the birds I've known, and think of all the things they've done for me and the little I've done for them, you'd think I've had the best of it along the line. But what have I got out of it? I've got a bob or two, some decent clothes, a car, I've got me health back and I ain't attached. But I ain't got me peace of mind - and if you ain't got that, you ain't got nothing. I dunno. It seems to me if they ain't got you one way they've got you another. So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself - what's it all about? Know what I mean?

• Alfie : My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I'm like any other bloke - I don't want to know.

• Alfie : A married woman, see. Every one of 'em in need of a good laugh. It don't never strike their husbands. I always say, make a married woman laugh and you're halfway there with her. Of course, it don't work with the single bird. Start you off on the wrong foot. You get one of them laughing, you won't get nothing else.

• Alfie : What I loved once and what I love now are two different things.

• Alfie : I've never told her that I love her - except at those times when you've *got* to say something for appearance's sake.

• [talking about Gilda's appearance while she is pregnant] 

  Alfie : Mind you, she came over quite beautified for a while, particularly during the early months. And I told her: I said "Blimey, girl, you ain't as ugly as I thought".

• Alfie : She's got a little ginger moustache. But I find I'm quite willing to overlook the odd blemish in a woman, providing she's got something to make up for it. Well, that's what we're all here for, innit - to help each other out in this life.

• Annie : Them's my secret thoughts.

  Alfie : You ain't entitled to secret thoughts - not livin' with me!

  Annie : Everyone's entitled to secret thoughts.

• Alfie : I don't want no bird's respect - I wouldn't know what to do with it.

• [speaking to camera as he is kissing Lily Clamacraft] 

  Alfie : Well, what harm can it do? Old Harry will never know. And even if he did, he shouldn't begrudge me - or her, come to that. And it'll round off the tea nicely.

• Alfie : If you lose a bird you can always replace her. But with a child it's different.

• Alfie : I've told you before to be careful where you put your legs.

• Alfie : [hugging Ruby]  She's in beautiful condition.

• Alfie : When a married woman gets too hot on, it's time to cool off.

• Alfie : I told Gilda from the start that I ain't the marrying sort. And do you know what? She don't mind. She's a stand-by and she knows it. And any bird that knows its place in this world can be quite content.

• [first lines, from the inside of a parked car] 

  Siddie : Here, are you starting all over again?

  Alfie : What about if I am?

  Siddie : Well, supposing the police was to come along?

  Alfie : Let 'em come. The windows are steamed up, the doors are locked. It's like a Turkish bath in here.

• Alfie : Here.

  Siddie : What?

  Alfie : [digs in his suit pocket]  Mind you don't catch cold.

  [throws Siddie her panties] 

• Alfie : And what about me? You think I'm gonna spend my weekends dodging about under wet nappies?

• Alfie : Yeah, you're not only cooey, in a way, you're more bossified. As if I've got to take notice of you, instead of you of me. I can't describe it, but I can feel it.

• Alfie : You smell a bit milkified.

  Gilda : Oh, I'm sorry, Alfie, I'll have a wash.

  Alfie : No, I don't mind, it smells mumsy. How long you gonna keep him on the breast-feeding caper?

  Gilda : Oh, as long as I can, Alfie. It's the best thing for him.

• Alfie : Then, there was this chiropodist woman from a foot-comfort service I was having it off with. She used to cut me corns handsome, she did. Blimey, I never had me feet in such lovely condition. I was hoppin' about like a little fairy.

• Alfie : If a bird ain't got you one way, she's got you another.

• Alfie : Queer job for a bird, isn't it. Photographing people's insides.

• Alfie : Here, do you fancy an hour's kip, girl, while he's asleep?

• Alfie : Let go. Don't ruckle my sleeve. What do you think I am? I ain't a savage, you know. I ain't gonna scarper. But don't you start off crying, either. Otherwise, I'll belt you one for sure.

• Alfie : There you see. All you need is a father's voice. Don't forget. He's got a hard life in front of him. So you don't want to give him any wrong impression from the start.

• Alfie : Here, have a fag.

  Harry Clamacraft : The Doc said I'm not supposed to smoke more than five a day.

  Alfie : Take no notice of the Doc. You've got to get yourself better.

• Alfie : Here, see this? Carla, her name is. Hear how her skirt rustles? There's something about that rustling. I think I'll get on me bed, just in case.

• Alfie : It don't do to get dependent on nobody in this life.

• Alfie : You've gotta get out and enjoy yourself. I mean, once a bloke starts thinking about a bird he's finished with, well, there's a waste of time for you, if you like.

• Harry Clamacraft : What you don't understand...

  Alfie : What? What?

  Harry Clamacraft : Is - is the bond between husband and wife.

  Alfie : The bond? What I do understand is human bleedin' nature. Here, how do you know your missus ain't got a geezer waitin; for her outside?

• Alfie : With a bird, you can never tell where it's been, nor what it's done.

  Harry Clamacraft : Here, would you mind saying "she". You're talking about my wife.

  Alfie : She or it, they're all birds. What you've got to do, Harry, is start living for yourself. Like I do.

• Alfie : You've got to live for yourself in this world, not for others.

• Carla : You should be in bed.

  Alfie : I couldn't sleep, so I come down and made meself a cup of tea.

  Carla : You're not supposed to.

  Alfie : I've been doing things all my life I'm not supposed to.

• Alfie : Harry, all I want is for you to see life, see what it is, and what it does to you. I never wanted to hurt you, Harry. I never want to hurt anybody.

  Harry Clamacraft : No, I suppose not. But you do, Alfie. You do.

• Alfie : Very good-hearted is Frank. You know what? He'll even share his birds with his mates. One bloke told me, he'll even lend you his wife. Like the Eskimos do.

• Alfie : Now the close-up. Lick your lips.

  [Ruby seductively licks] 

  Alfie : Strewth! Now, watch the dickie bird.

• Alfie : Now, that's lovely. Can you hold it?

  Ruby : I'll do my best, young man.

• Alfie : Know what? When she smiles that little smile of hers, I'm quite touched by it. Yeah. Now I look at her, she ain't so ugly after all.

• Harry Clamacraft : How do you want me?

  Alfie : How do I want you? Well, I've got two positions, straight up or sideways, depending on your nationality.

• Alfie : The thing I like about Ruby, she's a mature woman. When she gets hold of ya, you can feel a lifetime of experience in her fingers. Know what I mean? I find I'm going in more for that sort of woman these days.

• Alfie : You're a little sexpot, ain't ya?

  Ruby : Am I?

  Alfie : Yeah. You're a little lust-box, ain't ya? My little lust-box!

• Alfie : I've let myself in for something this time alright. It was that day I took her up the river, see. Round about three months ago, it was. Yeah, that was something I thought I got for nothing. But it don't never work out that way, does it?

• Alfie : Here, don't you dig your nails in again like you did last Thursday night. I've got scratches all down me back.

  Ruby : Here, I may do more than that to you today.

• Alfie : Look at the size of that bath! King-size. Of course, a bit of a tight squeeze with two of us in it. You can have a lot of fun splashing about and - whatnot. Do you know, there have been times when I've felt lucky to get out of that bath alive.

• Alfie : Do you know, I'm beginning to think she was beautiful. After all, it ain't through the eyes that you feel beauty, it's how the heart hungers for something that makes it beautiful.

• Alfie : I'm like the Boy Scouts, I am, always prepared.