Carry on Screaming! (1966)

Peter Butterworth: Detective Constable Slobotham

Photos 

Quotes 

• Constable Slobotham : Happen to know what Doris was wearing?

  Albert : Yes, a sort of white frilly blouse with a dark green jacket and a long green skirt.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Did you get that down?

  Albert : Oh no, as I said, I've only known her for a year.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I was talking to my assistant!

• Det Sgt. Bung : A young lady has disappeared and we're anxious to trace her whereabouts.

  Dr. Watt : Oh? Whereabouts?

  Det Sgt. Bung : Hereabouts.

  Albert : At ten o'clock.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Or thereabouts.

  Constable Slobotham : In this vicinity.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Or roundabouts.

  Constable Slobotham : We're police officers.

  Albert : Or layabouts.

• Det Sgt. Bung : Now then, your name please.

  Dr. Watt : Doctor Watt.

  Constable Slobotham : Doctor who, sir?

  Dr. Watt : Watt. "Who" was my uncle, or was - I haven't seen him in ages!.

• Det Sgt. Bung : Slobotham, I'm beginning to think he's right. There is something funny going on in this house.

  Constable Slobotham : You don't know the half of it, Sergeant. You should have seen that awful-looking thing they pulled out of that vat just now.

  Det Sgt. Bung : What awful-looking thing?

  Constable Slobotham : Oh, I can't describe it. It's in that crate over there.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I suppose we should have a look at it. For evidence.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [looks at the body lying in an open crate]  Arg! Emily!

  Constable Slobotham : Do you know her, Sergeant?

  Det Sgt. Bung : This "awful-looking thing" happens to be my wife.

  Constable Slobotham : Oh, bad luck... Well, I mean, bad luck finding her here like that.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Well, never mind that. Help me to get her out of here.

  Constable Slobotham : Sergeant, she's as hard as a rock.

  Det Sgt. Bung : You don't have to tell me that. I've been married to her for 15 years!

• Constable Slobotham : Sorry, Sergeant ! I thought it was that horrible thing again.

  Det Sgt. Bung : What horrible thing ?

  Constable Slobotham : I don't know. It was something unspeakable.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Unspeakable ?

  Constable Slobotham : Yes. Never said a word. It came out of the woods, straight at me. Great big, glaring eyes, long pointed teeth, 10 feet tall !

  Det Sgt. Bung : Did you notice anything unusual about it?

• Constable Slobotham : I'm a police officer and I must warn you that I'll take down anything you say.

  Dan Dann : [who appears to be a bit gay]  Alright then, trousers.

• Det Sgt. Bung : Just a minute, Mr. Potter, where were you last night?

  Albert : In bed.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Any witnesses to corroborate that?

  Albert : My landlady.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Who?

  Albert : She came up with a bottle.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Sounds like a pretty loose-living place you lodge in.

  Albert : She always comes up with a hot water bottle.

  Constable Slobotham : Sarge, it's just possible that he and the landlady are in collusion.

  Albert : [he thinks "collusion" has some sexual connotation.]  Don't be disgusting, she's over 60.

• Albert : [after Sgt. Bung said, "There's a house."]  Marvellous! But we're not looking for a house. We're looking for Doris.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I know, but this is right in the middle of the woods. They might have heard or seen something suspicious. We can't afford to leave any stone unturned. What's the name of this road, Slobotham ?

  Constable Slobotham : Avery Avenue.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Then we must explore Avery Avenue !

  [Albert rolls his eyes] 

• Constable Slobotham : [taking notes, about the break-in at the shop, and the dummy being stolen]  Now, what precise time would you say this happened, sir?

  Mr. Jones : How should I know? I was only called out of bed half an hour ago.

  Constable Slobotham : Your bed was that, sir?

  Mr. Jones : No, it was... What difference does it make whose bed it was?

  Constable Slobotham : It might make a difference to somebody, sir.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [arrives in his car]  What's happened here then?

  Constable Slobotham : [looking at the shattered glass window, and shards of glass everywhere.]  I'd say it's a clear case of breaking and entering.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [sarcastically]  No. You don't say.

  Constable Slobotham : And the footprints inside. I was going to examine them closely for any distinguishing marks.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [amazed at his stupidity]  Distinguishing? Can you think of anything more distinguishing than having SIX TOES?

• Constable Slobotham : [Running into the police lab with Albert]  Here sarge, we've got a lead!

  Albert : This note was pushed through my letterbox

  [reading from the note] 

  Albert : If you want to know what happened to those girls, I can tell you. I am the cloakroom attendant in the One by the Park and you can see me any time, at my convenience.

  [hands the note to Bung] 

  Constable Slobotham : Do you think it's genuine, Sarge?

  Det Sgt. Bung : [Examining the note]  Interesting notepaper - perforated at both ends. Could be - Come on!

• [Mr. Jones reveals that the only thing missing is the dummy that looked like Doris.] 

  Det Sgt. Bung : You haven't guessed who took it?

  Constable Slobotham : I've only been on the job an hour, Sergeant!

  Det Sgt. Bung : [the obvious suspect is Albert Potter who was in love with Doris.]  Well, you take a week to think it over, while I go and get him!

• Constable Slobotham : I thought you ought to know, Sergeant, it's happened again. Another disappearance.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Did you get a description?

  Constable Slobotham : Naturally. It's a Miss Doris Mann. In her 20s, medium height, average-colour hair, ordinary eyes, wearing clothes.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [being sarcastic, since it is such a general description, it could fit most any young woman.]  Well, it should be a piece of cake finding her, shouldn't it?

• Constable Slobotham : [Inside the Bide-a-Wee Rest Home mansion, he sees a life-size painting of a nude woman who has 4 arms like the goddess Kali]  Sergeant, notice anything unusual about that woman?

  Det Sgt. Bung : No. What?

• Det Sgt. Bung : [in police station, questioning Albert Potter]  You took this girl out to Hocombe woods. For what purpose, Mr. Potter?

  Albert : Well, we just felt like getting a bit of fresh air and that.

  Constable Slobotham : [taking notes]  What's that?

  Det Sgt. Bung : [to his assistant Slobotham]  Same as the other.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [continues]  Well, Mr. Potter, you took her into the woods. How far did you go?

  Albert : Oh, not very far, cause I've only known her a year.