Carry on Screaming! (1966)

Harry H. Corbett: Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung

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Quotes 

• Constable Slobotham : Happen to know what Doris was wearing?

  Albert : Yes, a sort of white frilly blouse with a dark green jacket and a long green skirt.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Did you get that down?

  Albert : Oh no, as I said, I've only known her for a year.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I was talking to my assistant!

• Det Sgt. Bung : A young lady has disappeared and we're anxious to trace her whereabouts.

  Dr. Watt : Oh? Whereabouts?

  Det Sgt. Bung : Hereabouts.

  Albert : At ten o'clock.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Or thereabouts.

  Constable Slobotham : In this vicinity.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Or roundabouts.

  Constable Slobotham : We're police officers.

  Albert : Or layabouts.

• Det Sgt. Bung : Now then, your name please.

  Dr. Watt : Doctor Watt.

  Constable Slobotham : Doctor who, sir?

  Dr. Watt : Watt. "Who" was my uncle, or was - I haven't seen him in ages!.

• Det Sgt. Bung : Slobotham, I'm beginning to think he's right. There is something funny going on in this house.

  Constable Slobotham : You don't know the half of it, Sergeant. You should have seen that awful-looking thing they pulled out of that vat just now.

  Det Sgt. Bung : What awful-looking thing?

  Constable Slobotham : Oh, I can't describe it. It's in that crate over there.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I suppose we should have a look at it. For evidence.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [looks at the body lying in an open crate]  Arg! Emily!

  Constable Slobotham : Do you know her, Sergeant?

  Det Sgt. Bung : This "awful-looking thing" happens to be my wife.

  Constable Slobotham : Oh, bad luck... Well, I mean, bad luck finding her here like that.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Well, never mind that. Help me to get her out of here.

  Constable Slobotham : Sergeant, she's as hard as a rock.

  Det Sgt. Bung : You don't have to tell me that. I've been married to her for 15 years!

• Constable Slobotham : Sorry, Sergeant ! I thought it was that horrible thing again.

  Det Sgt. Bung : What horrible thing ?

  Constable Slobotham : I don't know. It was something unspeakable.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Unspeakable ?

  Constable Slobotham : Yes. Never said a word. It came out of the woods, straight at me. Great big, glaring eyes, long pointed teeth, 10 feet tall !

  Det Sgt. Bung : Did you notice anything unusual about it?

• Emily Bung : You haven't taken me out for ages

  Det Sgt. Bung : Don't exaggerate, we went out a couple of months ago, had a lovely time.

  Emily Bung : You call that lovely, my poor mother's funeral.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Well I enjoyed it!

• Det Sgt. Bung : [visits Valeria in her castle, to warn her]  Whatever it was, that took him, it came this way. I think it was some sort of monster. This came off it.

  Valeria : This ear?

  Det Sgt. Bung : Yes, that there.

• Det Sgt. Bung : I have come here, Miss, to perform a duty!

  Valeria : Well, get on with it! I haven't got all night, you know.

• Valeria : [after unexpectedly kissing Det. Sergeant Bung]  Forgive me, I just HAD to do that!

  Det Sgt. Bung : That's all right, Miss. We are here to be of service to the public.

• Det Sgt. Bung : Just a minute, Mr. Potter, where were you last night?

  Albert : In bed.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Any witnesses to corroborate that?

  Albert : My landlady.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Who?

  Albert : She came up with a bottle.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Sounds like a pretty loose-living place you lodge in.

  Albert : She always comes up with a hot water bottle.

  Constable Slobotham : Sarge, it's just possible that he and the landlady are in collusion.

  Albert : [he thinks "collusion" has some sexual connotation.]  Don't be disgusting, she's over 60.

• Det Sgt. Bung : [He thought she was a dummy, then he watches the revived Doris sit up]  I don't believe it!

  [Reaches out to her, like he wants to rap her on shoulder with his fist] 

  Albert : [forcing Bung's hand away]  Don't you dare!

  Det Sgt. Bung : I only wanted to see if she was hard or soft.

• Albert : [after Sgt. Bung said, "There's a house."]  Marvellous! But we're not looking for a house. We're looking for Doris.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I know, but this is right in the middle of the woods. They might have heard or seen something suspicious. We can't afford to leave any stone unturned. What's the name of this road, Slobotham ?

  Constable Slobotham : Avery Avenue.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Then we must explore Avery Avenue !

  [Albert rolls his eyes] 

• Constable Slobotham : [taking notes, about the break-in at the shop, and the dummy being stolen]  Now, what precise time would you say this happened, sir?

  Mr. Jones : How should I know? I was only called out of bed half an hour ago.

  Constable Slobotham : Your bed was that, sir?

  Mr. Jones : No, it was... What difference does it make whose bed it was?

  Constable Slobotham : It might make a difference to somebody, sir.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [arrives in his car]  What's happened here then?

  Constable Slobotham : [looking at the shattered glass window, and shards of glass everywhere.]  I'd say it's a clear case of breaking and entering.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [sarcastically]  No. You don't say.

  Constable Slobotham : And the footprints inside. I was going to examine them closely for any distinguishing marks.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [amazed at his stupidity]  Distinguishing? Can you think of anything more distinguishing than having SIX TOES?

• Constable Slobotham : [Running into the police lab with Albert]  Here sarge, we've got a lead!

  Albert : This note was pushed through my letterbox

  [reading from the note] 

  Albert : If you want to know what happened to those girls, I can tell you. I am the cloakroom attendant in the One by the Park and you can see me any time, at my convenience.

  [hands the note to Bung] 

  Constable Slobotham : Do you think it's genuine, Sarge?

  Det Sgt. Bung : [Examining the note]  Interesting notepaper - perforated at both ends. Could be - Come on!

• [Albert has just discovered the Mummy of King Rubbatiti] 

  Albert : Oh mummy!

  Det Sgt. Bung : It's only a mummy!

  Albert : A mummy?

  [Points to the mummy] 

  Albert : With a beard?

  Det Sgt. Bung : Well, they didn't just do it to women - men got pickled too!

• [Mr. Jones reveals that the only thing missing is the dummy that looked like Doris.] 

  Det Sgt. Bung : You haven't guessed who took it?

  Constable Slobotham : I've only been on the job an hour, Sergeant!

  Det Sgt. Bung : [the obvious suspect is Albert Potter who was in love with Doris.]  Well, you take a week to think it over, while I go and get him!

• Emily Bung : That telephone ringing at all hours of the day and night. It's the invention of the devil. It's like someone walking in on you in the bath, it's an invasion of privacy, that's what it is.

  Det Sgt. Bung : You in the bath? That'd stop any invasion.

• Emily Bung : Stay at that rotten police station. See if any of them will give you what you get from me.

  Det Sgt. Bung : It's been so long since I got anything from you, i've forgotten if it's worth having.

• Emily Bung : Either that phone goes or I go, I can promise you that!

  Det Sgt. Bung : Promises, promises - always promises!

• Det Sgt. Bung : I've been up till half six looking for a woman.

  Emily Bung : That should be something you're good at, looking for women.

  Det Sgt. Bung : I wouldn't say that, last time I tried I found you.

• Albert : [Slobotham drags a protesting Albert into Sgt. Bung's office]  Take your hands off me! What am I supposed to have done?

  Det Sgt. Bung : [referring to the dummy of Doris, which was stolen.]  Alright, Mr. Potter, all we want to know is -- where is it?

  Albert : Well, lummy, it's your police station -- you ought to know where it is!

• Det Sgt. Bung : [his trousers are under a mattress that his wife is sleeping on; he pushes his wife off, and gets his trousers]  I'll say this for you, you make a good trouser press.

• Det Sgt. Bung : [to Valeria]  I've been thinking about you all day... everything I see reminds me of you. I look at my two inkwells and I see your lovely eyes. A letterbox and I saw your lips. In the street, there was a little boy playing...

  Det Sgt. Bung : [looking at her bosom]  ... with two balloons.

  Valeria : [cutting him short]  Oh, yes, well, I think that's quite enough of that sort of talk.

• Dan Dann : [works in an underground office, he can see people above walking by, through the glass ceiling]  Ah, Mrs. Peabody. Nice woman, her husband's a customer of mine.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [surprised that Dann is looking at upskirts]  Yes. Very interesting, but...

  Dan Dann : You know, I can honestly say that I know everyone who goes past here intimately, you might say.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [facetiously]  Yes, I would say that business here is definitely looking up.

  Dan Dann : [another woman walks by overhead, another upskirt]  No stockings. She never wears them. Mind you, I've seen worse. There's a Scotchsman who goes past here in a kilt, you wouldn't give a credence.

• Valeria : [they are sitting on a couch together]  Yes, but I don't think you're very experienced in the ways of love.

  Det Sgt. Bung : If you want to know the way, ask a policeman.

  Valeria : I find you very fascinating, Sidney. Would you show me your whistle?

  Det Sgt. Bung : Of course, Miss.

  [he whips out his whistle] 

  Valeria : I think it's a beautiful one. May I blow it?

  [Sgt. Bung enthusiastically nods his head "yes"] 

• Constable Slobotham : I thought you ought to know, Sergeant, it's happened again. Another disappearance.

  Det Sgt. Bung : Did you get a description?

  Constable Slobotham : Naturally. It's a Miss Doris Mann. In her 20s, medium height, average-colour hair, ordinary eyes, wearing clothes.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [being sarcastic, since it is such a general description, it could fit most any young woman.]  Well, it should be a piece of cake finding her, shouldn't it?

• Constable Slobotham : [Inside the Bide-a-Wee Rest Home mansion, he sees a life-size painting of a nude woman who has 4 arms like the goddess Kali]  Sergeant, notice anything unusual about that woman?

  Det Sgt. Bung : No. What?

• Det Sgt. Bung : [in police station, questioning Albert Potter]  You took this girl out to Hocombe woods. For what purpose, Mr. Potter?

  Albert : Well, we just felt like getting a bit of fresh air and that.

  Constable Slobotham : [taking notes]  What's that?

  Det Sgt. Bung : [to his assistant Slobotham]  Same as the other.

  Det Sgt. Bung : [continues]  Well, Mr. Potter, you took her into the woods. How far did you go?

  Albert : Oh, not very far, cause I've only known her a year.