Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974)
Michael Palin: It's Man, Various, 'It's' Man, Luigi Vercotti, Voice Over #1, Linkman, Newsreader, Viking, Voice Over #2, An Art Critic, Bevis, Bishop, Cardinal Richelieu, Cardinal Ximenez, Doctor, First City Gent, Foreman, Frank Bough, Head Waiter, Jean-Brian Zatapathique, Ken Shabby, Michael, Officer, Pepperpot, Policeman, Presenter, Redcoat, Sergeant, The 'It's' Man, Various Roles, Vicar, Waiter, 'Blackmail' Presenter, 'Interesting Pepole Compère, 'McKamikaze Highlanders' Voice Over, 'Most Awful Family in Britain' (Sport) Presenter, 'Mt. Everest' Narrator, 'University of the Air' Announcer, A City Stockbroker, A Historian, A Man with a Tape Recorder Up His Nose, Alan Whicker #3, Alexander Yahlt, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Algy, Angus Podgorny, Animated Professor, Archaeology Today Interviewer, Archbishop Gumby, Archbishop Ken Shabby, Argument customer, Arthur Briggs, Arthur Figgis's Fan, Arthur Pewtey, Assistant, BBC Announcer, BBC Man, Barnes, Betrothed Scottsman, Betty-Muriel Sartre, Bicycle Repair Man, Bill, Bounder of Adventure, Bowler Hatted Man, Boxing documentary narrator, Boy Scout, Brian, Brian Norris, Brigadier Zoe La Rue (deceased), Charlie Gardener, Church Policeman, City Gent, Clock smuggler, Colin Mozart, Colonel Fawcett, Commander, Complaints Manager, Compère, Compére, Conjurer, Constable, Cricket Commentator, D.P. Gumby, Dame Elsie Occluded, Dame Irene Stoat, David Attenborough, David Mercer, Dick, Dr. Peaches Bartkowicz, Edna O'Brien, Ernest Scribbler, F.G. Superman, Female Fanshaw-Chumleigh, Fireman, First Airline Pilot, First Bandit, First Bishop, First Climber, First Critic, First Fireman...
Photos
Quotes
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Hermit : It's...
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An Art Critic : [Repeated line] What a Terrible Joke!
Carol Cleveland : [Crying] But its my only line!
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Mr Smoke-Too-Much : I saw your add in the "Bolour" Supplement.
Bounder : The what?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : The Bolour Suppliment.
Bounder : The Colour Supplement.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter B.
Bounder : C?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a "sbool" boy. I was attacked by a bat.
Bounder : A cat?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : No, a bat.
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Cardinal Ximinez : Nobody expects the Sp -
["THE END" appears on screen]
Cardinal Ximinez : Oh, bugger!
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Hungarian : [reading from a English-Hungarian dictionary] I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist : Sorry?
Hungarian : I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist : Uh, no, no, this... uh... tobacconist.
Hungarian : Ah! I vill not buy this *tobacconist*, it is sratched.
Tobacconist : Uh, no, no, tobacco... um... cigarettes.
Hungarian : Ja! "Ci-ga-ret-ta"! Uh... My hovercraft if full of eels.
[pause]
Hungarian : My hovercraft
[motions "cigarettes"]
Hungarian : is full of eels.
[motions "matches"]
Tobacconist : Oh! Matches! Matches.
Hungarian : Ja! Ja, ja. Uh... do you *WA*nt... do you *WA*nt to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy!
Tobacconist : I don't think you're using that right.
Hungarian : You great poohft.
Tobacconist : Uh, that will be 66 please.
Hungarian : If I said you had beautiful body, vould you hold it against me? I... I am no longer infected.
Tobacconist : M-may I?
Hungarian : Ja! Ja!
[gives book to Tobacconist]
Tobacconist : Costs 6 and 6... costs 6 and... ah, here we are!
[Tobacconist says something in Hungarian, causing the Hungarian to punch him in the face. A police officer comes rushing into the store]
Police Officer : What's going on here then?
Hungarian : [to police officer] You have beautiful thighs.
Police Officer : What?
Tobacconist : He hit me!
Hungarian : Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunch time.
Police Officer : [angry] RIGHT!
[Hungarian dragged away by police officer]
Hungarian : My nipples explode with delight!
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Mr Barnard : What do you want?
Man : Well I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard : Don't give me that, you snotty faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man : What?
Mr Barnard : Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke you vacuous, toffy-nosed, malodorous pervert!
Man : What? I came in here for an argument.
Mr Barnard : Oh, oh oh I'm sorry, this is "abuse'. You want Room 12-A just along the corridor.
Man : Oh sorry. Thank you very much, sorry, thank you.
Man : [Shuts the door]
Mr Barnard : Stupid git.
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Customer : Hello? I wish to register a complaint. Hello, miss?
Pet Shop Owner : [coming up from the desk] What do you mean, "miss"?
Customer : I'm sorry, I have a cold.
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Mr. Vibrating : Come in.
Man : Um, is this the right room for an argument?
Mr. Vibrating : I've told you once.
Man : No you haven't.
Mr. Vibrating : Yes I have.
Man : When?
Mr. Vibrating : Just now.
Man : No you didn't.
Mr. Vibrating : I did.
Man : Didn't.
Mr. Vibrating : Did.
Man : Didn't.
Mr. Vibrating : I'm telling you I did.
Man : You did not.
Mr. Vibrating : Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man : Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr. Vibrating : Ah, thank you. Anyway I did.
Man : You most certainly did not.
Mr. Vibrating : Look, let's get this thing quite clear. I most definitely told you.
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Michael Palin : Mount Everest: forbiding, aloof, terrifying. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.
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Arthur Name : What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
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TV Presenter : And now a precision display of bad temper.
[soldiers all yell in unison]
Soldiers : My goodness me! I am in a bad temper today, two three! Damn damn, two three! I am vexed and ratty, two three! And hopping mad!
[soldiers stamp feet on ground angrily]
TV Presenter : And now, the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about.
Sergeant : Squad... *Camp* it *up*!
[soldiers all chant in unison while mincing]
Soldiers : Ooh, get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. Oooh!
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Interviewer : Good evening. Tonight I have with me Mr. Norman St. John Polevaulter who, for the last few years, has been contradicting people. St. John Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?
Norman St. John Polevaulter : I don't!
Interviewer : But... You told me that you did.
Norman St. John Polevaulter : I most certainly did not!
Interviewer : [comprehending] Oh! I see. I'll start again.
Norman St. John Polevaulter : No, you won't.
Interviewer : Shh! I understand you *don't* contradict people.
Norman St. John Polevaulter : Yes, I do!
Interviewer : And when *didn't* you start contradicting them?
Norman St. John Polevaulter : I did! In 1952.
Interviewer : 1952?
Norman St. John Polevaulter : 1947!
Interviewer : 23 years ago.
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Mr Boniface : ["It's the Mind: A Weekly Magazine of Things Psychiatric"] Good evening. Tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened tonight on "It's the Mind" we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've...
[looks puzzled]
Mr Boniface : Anyway, tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange -
["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Mr Boniface, shaken]
Mr Boniface : Good evening. Tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti... mes get... that... we've lived through something -
["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Mr Boniface, visibly shaken]
Mr Boniface : Good... good evening. Tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of d-d-d-d-d-déjà v-v-v-v-v-vu. That extraordinary feeling... quite extraordinary...
[trails off; the phone rings and he picks it up]
Mr Boniface : No, fine thanks, fine.
[a hand reaches in and sets a glass on the desk; Boniface drinks and the hand exits]
Mr Boniface : Oh thank you. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before.
[phone; he picks it up]
Mr Boniface : No, fine thank you, fine.
[hand comes in as before; he jumps]
Mr Boniface : Thank you. That strange feeling we...
[phone]
Mr Boniface : No, fine thank you, fine.
[hand with glass]
Mr Boniface : Thank you.
[jumps and yelps]
Mr Boniface : Look, something's happening to me. I-I-um, I think I'd better go and see someone. Good night.
[exits and boards the psychiatrist milk float outside]
Milkman : Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Mr Boniface : No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.
["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Boniface in the studio, nervously biting his nails. He sees the camera, screams with terror, and runs outside to the float]
Milkman : Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Mr Boniface : No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.
[a few minutes later, outside Dr Cream's office, Boniface jumps off and runs inside]
Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
[outside, he jumps off the float, looks about, puzzled, and runs inside]
Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now, what seems to be the matter?
Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
[outside, he jumps off the float, more shaken, and runs in]
Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
[outside, he jumps off the float, looks about, scared, and runs inside as the show ends]
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Mr Mousebender : Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
Henry Wenslydale : Yes, sir.
Mr Mousebender : Really?
Henry Wenslydale : No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Mr Mousebender : Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you.
Henry Wenslydale : Right-o then.
[Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead]
Mr Mousebender : What a senseless waste of human life.
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T.F. Gumby : Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR!
[he bangs on a bell violently, eventually smashing it, as well as the desk and everything on it]
T.F. Gumby : DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
Dr. Gumby : [enter Dr. Gumby] Hello!
T.F. Gumby : Are you the brain specialist?
Dr. Gumby : [thinks for a moment] Hello!
T.F. Gumby : Are you the brain specialist?
Dr. Gumby : No. No, I am not the brain specialist. No I am not. Yes! Yes I am!
T.F. Gumby : My brain hurts!
Dr. Gumby : Well, let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby.
[begins to lift Gumby's sweater]
T.F. Gumby : No, no, no, my brain in my head.
Dr. Gumby : [thumps him on the head] It will have to come out.
T.F. Gumby : What? Out of my head?
Dr. Gumby : Yes. All the bits of it.
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Man : That was not five minutes just now.
Mr. Vibrating : I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid.
Man : I just paid.
Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't.
Man : Yes I have.
Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't.
Man : Look, I don't want to argue about this.
Mr. Vibrating : Well you didn't pay.
Man : Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you.
Mr. Vibrating : Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man : I've had enough of this.
Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't.
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Clerk : You are Alexander Yalt?
Alexander Yalt : [in a Derek Nimmo voice] Oh I am.
Clerk : Skip the impersonations.
Alexander Yalt : I am.
Clerk : Mr Yalt you are charged that on the second day of January 1970 you wilfully, deliberately and with malice aforethought published an English-Hungarian Phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Alexander Yalt : Not guilty.
Clerk : You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Alexander Yalt : I do live at 46 Horton Terrace.
Clerk : You are the president of a publishing company?
Alexander Yalt : I am the president of a publishing company.
Clerk : Your company publishes phrasebooks?
Alexander Yalt : My company does publish phrasebooks.
Clerk : You did say 46 Horton Terrace?
Alexander Yalt : Yes
Clerk : [bangs gong à la Michael Miles] Aha! Got him!
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Mr Mousebender : And I thought to myself, "A little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
Henry Wenslydale : Come again?
Mr Mousebender : I want to buy some cheese.
Henry Wenslydale : Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
Mr Mousebender : Certainly not. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
Henry Wenslydale : Sorry?
Mr Mousebender : [in a silly Northern accent] Ooh, I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
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Ludovic : ['The Great Debate Number 31: TV4 Or Not TV4?'] Hello. Should there be another television channel or not? On tonight's programme, the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP.
Mr Ian Throat : Good evening.
Ludovic : The chairman of the Amalgamated Money TV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.
Sir Abe Sappenheim : Good evening.
Ludovic : The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.
Lord Kinwoodie : Hello.
Ludovic : And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone.
Mr Patrick Loone : Hello.
Ludovic : Gentlemen, should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?
Mr Ian Throat : Yes.
Ludovic : Francis?
Lord Kinwoodie : No.
Ludovic : Sir Abe?
Sir Abe Sappenheim : Yes.
Ludovic : Patrick?
Mr Patrick Loone : No.
Ludovic : Well there you have it, two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's "Great Debate' will be about government interference in broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.
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Mr Mousebender : Tell me, do you have any cheese at all?
Henry Wenslydale : Yes.
Mr Mousebender : Now I'm going to ask you the same question again, and if you say "No", I'm going to shot you in the head. Do you have any cheese?
Henry Wenslydale : [contemplates] Um, no.
Mr Mousebender : [shots Henry Wenslydale through the head] What a senseless waste of human life.
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Arthur Name : She your wife?
Victor : Um, no, actually...
Arthur Name : Ooooh, oooh, well don't let me interrupt anything, I know all about one-night stands! Oh, dear, this music isn't much, is it?
[throws away calm record and starts playing marsh music]
Arthur Name : I heard this hilarious joke at the pub today: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Victor : I beg your pardon?
Arthur Name : What's brown and sounds like a bell?
[Iris shakes head in confusion]
Arthur Name : Dung!
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[recurring at random points]
Viking : Lemon curry?
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[a letter following a British Navy presentation by pepperpots]
Voice Over : As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband O.W.A. Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks...
Presenter : I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter.
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Mr. Pither : You are Rear Admiral Sir Dudley Compton?
Chinaman : No. He die. He have heart attack and fell out of window onto exploding bomb, and was killed in shooting accident.
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Chief Superintendent Lookout : [Inspector Tiger has been murdered] This house is surrounded. I must ask that no-one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper : Lookout?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : [jumps] What, where? Oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper : Why, what would we see?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper : What would we see if we look out of the yard?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : ...I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Aha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one.
[starts laughing]
Chief Superintendent Lookout : Lookout of the Yard! Very good. Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights.
[lights out]
Chief Superintendent Lookout : Good. Now then, there was a scream, aaahhhhhhhhhh! Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.
[a shot, lights on. Lookout has an arrow through his neck, poison in his lap, and bullet in his head]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistnat Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
All : Theresamanbehindyer?
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right, let's reconstruct the crime. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger.
Policeman : Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall. Somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall. Take the tablets Tigerbody.
[clapping from the others]
Policeman : Alself me to myduce introlow left body in the roomself.
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Good, very good. Just sit down there. Right, now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream.
[constable screams]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Somebody shoots you...
[shoots constable point-blank]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : and the door opens...
Chief Constable Fire : Nobody move. I'm Chief Constable Fire.
All : Fire?
Chief Constable Fire : [jumps] Where? Where?
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Dr. Gumby : [normal voice] Glasses.
[nurse gives him glasses]
Dr. Gumby : Moustache.
[nurse gives him moustache]
Dr. Gumby : Handkerchief.
[nurse puts Gumby handkerchief on his head]
Dr. Gumby : [in Gumby voice] I'm going to operater, I'm going to operate...
[the other Gumbys join in]
T.F. Gumby : [waking up] Hello?
Dr. Gumby : We forgot the anaesthetic!
[Gumby comes crashing through the wall]
Gumby : [to T. F. Gumby] I'm going to anaesthetize you!
[Gumby hits T. F. Gumby in the head with his anaesthetic tube]
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Colonel Pickering : And now for a complete change of mood.
Dirty Old Man : I've 'eard of unisex, but I've never 'ad it!
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Man : Hello, I'm the head of the Careers Advisary Board. I wanted to be a dancer, but there you go...
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Michael Palin : Did somebody say Mattress to Mr Lambert?
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Man : I'd like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It's high time something was done about it.
[16 ton weight]
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Michael Palin : I have with me Professor Tiddles of Leeds University...
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Dirty Old Man : Get 'em while they're young, eh?
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[repeated randomly]
Viking : Anyway.
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Archbishop : Oh, Mr. Bellpitt! Your legs are so swollen! Oh, Mr. Bellpitt! Your legs... are so... swooollen!
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Bounder : 'Morning, I'm Bounder-Of-Adventure.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Hello, I'm Smoke-Too-Much.
Bounder : Well you'd better cut down a little then.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : I'm sorry?
Bounder : You'd better cut down a little then.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Oh oh, I see. Smoke too much, so I better cut down a little then.
Bounder : Yes. I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : No. I've never noticed it before.
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TV Presenter : Arthur Two Sheds Jackson.
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The Prologue : Beauty sits most humbly on those it can Construe!
Man : No it doesn't!
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Waiter : No, Mungo! Never kill a Customer!
