Cactus Flower (1969)

Walter Matthau: Dr. Julian Winston

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Quotes 

• Dr. Julian Winston : I must say, it's grotesque. A woman your age, throwing yourself at a kid like that!

  Stephanie : And what about that eh, father-daughter thing of yours, if you don't think that's ridiculous...

  Dr. Julian Winston : Well, it's different for a man. If a man is with a younger woman it looks entirely appropriate, but when it's the other way around, it's disg...

  Stephanie : Well, you go to your church and I'll go to mine.

• Dr. Julian Winston : What did she say?

  Toni Simmons : It's not what she said, it's what she didn't say

  Dr. Julian Winston : Tell me what she didn't say, word for word

• Stephanie : I was married, when I was young.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Married? I had no idea!

  Stephanie : Neither did he!

• Dr. Julian Winston : Stephanie?

  Stephanie : Doctor?

  Dr. Julian Winston : I think I'm going to kiss you.

  Stephanie : When will you know for sure?

  Dr. Julian Winston : [They kiss passionately]  I plan to do this often.

  Stephanie : I'll make a note to remind you.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Toni, I'm going to marry you.

  Toni Simmons : How do you mean, Marry?

  Dr. Julian Winston : You know, marry, with the judge, the blood test, the license, that kind of marry, right away.

  Toni Simmons : But what about your wife?

  Dr. Julian Winston : My wife? I'll divorce her.

  Toni Simmons : What about the children?

  Dr. Julian Winston : I'll divorce them, too.

• Señor Sánchez : [Meeting on the dance floor]  Good evening, doctor.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Good evening, patient.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Hey, did you see that? He just kissed her on the neck!

  Toni Simmons : Hmph! She sure likes a lot of action.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Yes, she does, doesn't she!

  Toni Simmons : Right now, she's surrounded by her husband, her ex-boyfriend, her current boyfriend and maybe her future boyfriend.

  Dr. Julian Winston : If somebody doesn't stop that guy, he's gonna make love to her right in the middle of the floor.

• Stephanie : Did you ever have a gin and tonic made with tequila?

  Dr. Julian Winston : [Looking slightly disgusted]  No thank you. Tequila and tonic.

  Stephanie : No-no. No. You substitute the tequila! No, you substitute the tonic for the tequila.

  Dr. Julian Winston : The tequila for the tonic?

  Stephanie : Yes. Yes, they call it...

  Dr. Julian Winston : Gin and tequila?

  Stephanie : Yes. They call it the 'Mexican *Measles*'

  Dr. Julian Winston : [Correcting her]  'Missile.'

  Stephanie : Missile!

  [laughs] 

  Stephanie : Yes and they tell me it prevents malaria.

• [an Airline hostess from an Australian airline has phoned to ask if Dr Winston is free for a date that evening] 

  Dr. Julian Winston : Tell her I'm grounded!

  Stephanie : [down the phone]  I'm sorry, Miss, but Dr Winston doesn't do that kind of work any more.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Now if I hear that you've been bothering Stephanie again, I'll knock all your teeth out.

  Harvey Greenfield : You'll just have to put them back in again.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Where were you all night?

  Stephanie : It's all a blur, a beautiful blurry blur.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Her name is Toni Simmons.

  Stephanie : Oh. I'm supposed to give you a message: She's alive.

• [Toni reveals she tried to commit suicide] 

  Dr. Julian Winston : You really tried to kill yourself over me?

  Toni Simmons : Stupid, wasn't it?

  Dr. Julian Winston : I'm a bastard, the biggest bastard in the whole world.

  Toni Simmons : Julian, please, you're starting to make it sound like bragging.

• Toni Simmons : And did you get a load of that girl?

  Dr. Julian Winston : Well, I wasn't paying much attention...

  Toni Simmons : When she bent over, it looked like she had her knees up inside her dress.

• Dr. Julian Winston : [Talking to Harvey, about Toni]  I'm having a rough time. As long as I was lying to her, everything was fine. The minute I decided to do the right thing and marry her, I've had troubles. You wouldn't believe the complications. It's like waltzing in wet cement.

• Dr. Julian Winston : [Talking about trying to recover his car which had been towed earlier]  I went to the police station. They told me to try a garage on the East Side. When I got there they told me to try the West Side. When I got there, it was closed. I couldn't find a cab so I had to walk home. I should have listened to my mother and become an M.D. - they let you park anywhere.

• Harvey Greenfield : She really turns me off. I thought all Swedish dames were sexy, I mean, I've seen some of those movies; but, this one's like a an iceberg.

  Dr. Julian Winston : She's very official.

  Harvey Greenfield : Have you ever seen her out of her uniform?

  [Dr. Winston gives him a look] 

  Harvey Greenfield : I mean in street clothes. I bet she wears corrective hats.

• Stephanie : Why don't you come right out an ask me if I went to bed with him?

  Dr. Julian Winston : Alright, did you go to bed with him?

  Stephanie : It's none of your business!

• Dr. Julian Winston : It's like waltzing in wet cement!

• Toni Simmons : What were you doing, talking to that awful man?

  Dr. Julian Winston : I was getting lonesome for the sound of a human voice.

  Igor Sullivan : Can I have another glass of beer?

  Dr. Julian Winston : Not yours!

• [Greenfield has asked for free dental work for his latest girlfriend] 

  Dr. Julian Winston : Don't you know any girls with straight teeth?

• Dr. Julian Winston : [pointing to Igor]  Will you give Tarzan here his electric razor?

• [Julian has asked Stephanie if she would like to have a drink with him] 

  Stephanie : Are you asking me to go out?

  Dr. Julian Winston : Why? Is there someone else in that closet?

• Dr. Julian Winston : You're getting as prickly as your damn cactus!

• [Miss Dickinson has pointed out there is no more room on Greenfield's tab] 

  Harvey Greenfield : Julian, I feel insulted. It isn't as if I'm planning to stick ya.

  Dr. Julian Winston : It isn't as if you're planning to pay me, either.

• Dr. Julian Winston : What happened out there on my mink stole? - I mean the beach. I wanna know.

• Toni Simmons : [after they've observed Stephanie's prowess on the dance floor]  Everything you told me about your wife was true. She's not a lady, she's a barracuda!

  Dr. Julian Winston : I don't care to discuss it anymore.

• Dr. Julian Winston : It's just not practical to keep one in the city.

  Stephanie : A girl?

  Dr. Julian Winston : No, a CAR !

• Dr. Julian Winston : I understand we've been *very* naughty.

  Mrs. Durant : Well, I don't know about you; but, all I had was one little caramel.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Besides being bad for your teeth, Mrs. Durant, think of how caramel can hurt those splendid hips.

  [pats her hip] 

  Mrs. Durant : Oh, isn't he a marvelous dentist!

  Harvey Greenfield : Great.

  Mrs. Durant : With his talents, he would have made an even better Obstetrician.

• Igor Sullivan : I just wanted to make sure you weren't playing any more tricks with gas.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Gas?

  Igor Sullivan : Gas.

  Toni Simmons : Gas.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Toni, everything's going to be alright. I am going to make it up to you.

  Toni Simmons : [sarcastically]  Oh, sure, you'll take me away for another fun filled weekend at some motel!

• Dr. Julian Winston : This is different, darling. My - I love you! My wife and I - I never even *knew* her.

  Toni Simmons : How did the three children come? United Parcel!

  Dr. Julian Winston : Well, at the beginning, I was polite.

• Dr. Julian Winston : I thought maybe you'd like to come out and have a drink with me.

  Stephanie : What? Are you asking me to go out?

  Dr. Julian Winston : Why? Is there somebody else in that closet?

  Stephanie : I don't understand.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Its the most natural thing in the world for a doctor to take his nurse out.

  Stephanie : Yes, but I've been working for you for almost ten years and this is the first time that you have ever invited me.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Well, better a little late, than a little never.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Miss Dickinson, you could do me a great service. You see, I'm desperately in need of a wife.

  Stephanie : Oh, Doctor...

  Dr. Julian Winston : Oh, please don't misunderstand me!

  Stephanie : I never expected...

  Dr. Julian Winston : Well, I need a wife temporarily - 15 or 20 minutes.

  Stephanie : 15 or 20 minutes?

• Dr. Julian Winston : I'm the first decent man that she's ever met.

  Stephanie : Are you quoting her or you?

• Dr. Julian Winston : My happiness lies in your two hands.

  Stephanie : For years these two hands have held nothing but your instruments.

• Toni Simmons : She mentioned those chicken and egg salad sandwiches.

  Dr. Julian Winston : You mean to say that she bragged about her damn sandwiches?

  Toni Simmons : She didn't brag! She just told me she made them. It sounded as if they were made with love.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Well, they were made with mayonnaise and too much mayonnaise and the next time she gives me one, I'm going to smack her right across the mouth with it.

• Dr. Julian Winston : All we have to do is find someone to play the part of your boyfriend.

  Stephanie : What about Señor Sanchez? He keeps sniffing around me.

• Dr. Julian Winston : It's strange to see you in a nightclub. I didn't realize you were such a swinger!

  Stephanie : Oh, you never really ever knew me, my dear.

• Dr. Julian Winston : You completely de-feminize yourself. I've noticed it around the office and around me.

  Stephanie : Now, Doctor, I was hired as a nurse/receptionist, not as a geisha girl.

• Toni Simmons : Well, let me try to help you. You have a problem with Stephanie, right?

  Dr. Julian Winston : Never mind.

  Toni Simmons : Let's see, she drinks?

  Dr. Julian Winston : No.

  Toni Simmons : She's a kleptomaniac?

  Dr. Julian Winston : No.

  Toni Simmons : She takes acid?

  [Julian laughs] 

  Toni Simmons : Well, there's only one other thing I know a man would really be ashamed to talk about. Stephanie is no nymphomaniac. - - I guessed it? That's what you came here to tell me? Wow! Well, go, gotta give me all the details.

  Dr. Julian Winston : What can I tell you, except, my wife, Stephanie's a slave to her desires.

  Toni Simmons : That's a very sweet way of describing a nympho!

  Dr. Julian Winston : You can imagine what my life has been like.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Well, you're certainly blossoming out.

  Stephanie : Doctor, you once compared me to my cactus plant. Well, every so often, that prickly little thing puts out a flower.

• Dr. Julian Winston : They lost me. You go dance with her.

  Igor Sullivan : Cheer up! One of these days the fox trot may come back.

• Dr. Julian Winston : You know what I've done, I've created a monster, that's what.

  Stephanie : No, Dr. Frankenstein, this is no creation of yours. This is me! Me! Experiencing new things, things I've never done before. I'm having a helluva good time.

• Stephanie : We had to lie on something.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Wait a minute, you said you were sitting. Were you sitting or lying?

  Stephanie : A little of this and a little of that.

• Stephanie : My cactus! It's blooming!

  Dr. Julian Winston : Never mind that, what about your night of debauchery?

• Dr. Julian Winston : You spent the night with that hippie?

  Stephanie : You're wrong about Igor. He's sensitive and he's sincere and very poetic.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Poetic? I saw him kiss you on the neck.

  Stephanie : He's also very friendly.

• Dr. Julian Winston : Alright, you want to play rough! I'll tell the whole world about your drunkenness, your wild parties, your orgies on the beach!

• Dr. Julian Winston : It's all right if you like Horowitz.

• Toni Simmons : Oh well, it's not such a bad arrangement and it's fair. You'll still have your wife and me, and I'll still have you and Igor.

  Dr. Julian Winston : Igor?

• Dr. Julian Winston : There's no such thing as a friendly kiss on the neck.

• Dr. Julian Winston : I'm the first decent man she's ever met?

  Stephanie : Are you quoting her or you?