The Twelve Chairs (1970)
Ron Moody: Vorobyaninov
Photos
Quotes
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You're not worth spitting on!
Father Fyodor : Oh yeah? Well, you are!
[spits]
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why are you after my chair?
Father Fyodor : It's not yours.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Then whose is it?
Father Fyodor : It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers!
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Did you said the workers?
Father Fyodor : Yes, the workers.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.
Father Fyodor : Maybe.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : But the party is for atheists. How can a priest join the party?
Father Fyodor : The church must keep up with the times.
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Where are you going?
Ostap Bender : Ah, the eternal question: "Quo Vadis"? Well, if you must know, I am vadissing off to gossip with the secret police.
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [trying to remember his lines] I am cousin Michael from Kiev. All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.
[He knocks on the door]
Worker at Old Ladies Home : [answering the door] Yes?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I am cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov. All the Michaels are dead.
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Ostap Bender : Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I can't!
Ostap Bender : I'm going.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!
Ostap Bender : Why?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Lets talk.
Ostap Bender : About what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Things...
Ostap Bender : What things?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : I don't know, situations...
Ostap Bender : I am going...
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!
Ostap Bender : Why?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Lets talk.
Ostap Bender : About what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : It.
Ostap Bender : What's 'it'?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You know...
Ostap Bender : I know what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : What we're talking about.
Ostap Bender : We're talking about nothing, I'm going.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : You mustn't.
Ostap Bender : I must.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why?
Ostap Bender : The reward!
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : What reward?
Ostap Bender : For turning you in.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Wait!
Ostap Bender : Why?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [desperate] We'll talk.
Ostap Bender : [shouting] About what?
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [shouting also] About the diamonds! The diamonds! The diamonds...
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [screaming at his dying mother-in-law for hiding her jewels in a chair] Fifty thousand roubles worth of jewelry stuffed in a chair? Heaven knows who may sit on that chair... *if* it's still a chair!
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [They've torn one of chairs to pieces when Vorobyaninov realizes] How did you find out about the jewels?
Father Fyodor : [pause, then] People talk.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Why, you disgusting creature! You used the sacred sacrement of confession to further your own ends!
Father Fyodor : Not really.
Ippolit Vorobyaninov : Well, you are just about the most contemptible creature it has even been my misfortune to meet! You're not worth spitting on!
Father Fyodor : Well, you are!
[He spits on Vorobyaninov]
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [upon learning that his mother-in-law is dying] Bozhe moi, that poor woman! That poor woman! Who is going to care of me?
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?
Ostap Bender : In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
[They wait]
Father Fyodor : Oh Lord, you're so strict!
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Ippolit Vorobyaninov : [referring to Father Fyodor's being in drag and trying to steal one of the chairs] This is disgusting!
