Evil Roy Slade (1972 TV Movie)

John Astin: Evil Roy Slade

Quotes 

• Betsy Potter : Let's try some arithmetic. If you had six apples and your neighbor took three apples, what would you have?

  Evil Roy Slade : A dead neighbor and all six apples.

• Doctor Delp : It's part of a science called "phrenology".

  Evil Roy Slade : What's "science"?

• Preacher : I have kings with an ace!

  Evil Roy Slade : I have threes with a gun.

  Preacher : You win!

• Betsy Potter : I love you, Roy.

  Evil Roy Slade : Nobody's ever said that to me before.

  Aggie Potter : Move, buzzard breath!

  Evil Roy Slade : THAT'S been said to me before.

• Flossie : [Roy is breaking up the gang]  Roy, you aren't going to leave me alone are you? I love you.

  Evil Roy Slade : [pause]  Alright, who wants Flossie?

• Evil Roy Slade : You know what nice is? Suppose there was a whole herd of dead cattle, dropped dead on the field, just for you. That's what nice is.'

• Evil Roy Slade : I ain't giving up. I've worked hard, it took me years to work my way to the bottom.

• Evil Roy Slade : Take that big fiddle out from between your legs. There are ladies present.

  Cellist : But sir...

  Evil Roy Slade : I don't want no trouble, you just tuck it up under your chin like a fiddle's 'sposed to be played... now!

  [pulls gun] 

  Cellist : Yes sir. Right now sir.

  [trying to play cello like a giant violin & smiling] 

  Evil Roy Slade : That's good.

• Betsy Potter : I'm sad that there's so much evil in your heart.

  Evil Roy Slade : It's in my heart and in my hands, in my eyes - and a lot in my feet, I love kicking!

• Evil Roy Slade : I can't read, you dumb love of my life!

• Evil Roy Slade : [after making a deposit]  Uh, I changed my mind. Give me my money back. In fact...

  [pulls out a gun] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Give me *everybody's* money back!

• Evil Roy Slade : This straight life ain't for me. It's too boring. My idea of a nine to five job is nine men robbing five men!

• Toy Cowboy : [Grabbing Evil Roy from behind] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Get off my back little boy!

  Toy Cowboy : I'm 46 years old don't call me your little boy!

• Evil Roy Slade : I learned a valuable lesson today. Never trust a pretty girl or a lonely midget.

• Doctor Delp : Try harder, Roy. Try to cry. If you can release one tear, it'll help you

  Evil Roy Slade : I don't know how to cry.

  Doctor Delp : Think. Think harder. Think about your lonely youth: no friends, no home, no warmth, no affection... cactus in your diaper

  [Slade starts sobbing] 

  Doctor Delp : Yes! Yes, there's a tear! We're curing you!

• Doctor Delp : This is the ultimate test! I want you to shed your weapons... and walk across the room!

  Evil Roy Slade : I cain't! I don't goin' nowhere without my guns! I even take a bath with my guns!

  Doctor Delp : You don't NEED them, Roy! Take them off and walk! Oh Roy, try! Take off your weapons!

  [Roy removes holster] 

  Doctor Delp : Good!... Is that everything?

  [Roy reaches up his sleeve for a knife] 

  Doctor Delp : Whew! Anyting else?

  [Roy removes gun from his sock] 

  Doctor Delp : Oh, a little one, huh? Ok. Is that all?

  [Roy removes a bomb from behind his back] 

  Doctor Delp : Oh my goodness!

  Evil Roy Slade : [wobbly & sounding retarded]  Ahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeee! I got... no... weapons!

  Doctor Delp : [moves across the room]  Walk. Here, walk to me. WALK TO ME, ROY! WALK TO ME, ROY!

  [Roy staggers & falls] 

  Doctor Delp : ROY!

  Evil Roy Slade : I cain't! I cain't! I cain't do it! Cain't!

  Doctor Delp : You CAN do it! Try again! Try again, Roy! Come on, Roy! Come on. Come on.

  [staggers and falls again] 

  Doctor Delp : Ohhhhhh!

  Evil Roy Slade : [sobbing!]  I cain't do it!

  Doctor Delp : You CAN do it!

  Evil Roy Slade : I cain't!

  Doctor Delp : Ack! Walk to me! Ohhh, Roy walk to me you sniveling little coward! Walk!

  [Roy gets angry] 

  Doctor Delp : Oooh!

  Evil Roy Slade : Who you callin'... A COWARD? Yeeeeeaahhh!

  [gets up, lunges at Delp and strangles him] 

  Doctor Delp : [strangled voice]  Roy! Roy, you did it. You walked without your gun!

  Evil Roy Slade : Ahh... I did! A-ha-ha. I walked without my gun!

  Doctor Delp : Oh Roy!

  [hugs him mumbling 'I knew you could do it' as Roy looks awkward] 

  Evil Roy Slade : I KNEW he was one of them funny boys!

• Evil Roy Slade : I ain't gonna kill him, I'm gonna do something a lot meaner. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

  Marshal Bing Bell : [smug]  What's that?

  Evil Roy Slade : I'm gonna shoot this guitar full of lead.

  Marshal Bing Bell : [panicking]  No! No, Slade, no! No, n-n-n-not my guitar, Slade! No, it's the only thing I ever LOVED, Slade!

  [runs in front of guitar and takes bullet] 

  Marshal Bing Bell : ... 'cept ME!

  Evil Roy Slade : Whoops!

• Evil Roy Slade : [addressing his men]  Boys, as we stand here, ready to rob our last stage, I want you to remember the five most important things that I taught you.

  [Slade squats and writes the first letter of each word in the dirt with his hand] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Sneaking, Lying, Arrogance, Dirtiness and Evil. Put them all together and they spell "Slade!"

  [Slade raises his hand to stop the cheers of his men] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Enough warmth.

• Evil Roy Slade : Darn girl. Makes me do a lotta thinkin'. Lemme see, a brand new name... Evil John Ferguson.

  [shakes head] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Nah. Evil Fred Noland.

  [shakes head] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Nah. Evil Lee Rich.

  [grins and then shakes head] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Nah.

  [to his horse] 

  Evil Roy Slade : What d'you think?

  [horse snorts] 

  Evil Roy Slade : Yer too dumb.

• Evil Roy Slade : Hideout.

  Doctor Delp : Wanted.

  Evil Roy Slade : Poster.

  Doctor Delp : Bear.

  Evil Roy Slade : Teddy.

  Doctor Delp : What?

  Evil Roy Slade : Nothin'. Next question.

  Doctor Delp : What did you SAY?

  Evil Roy Slade : I didn't say nothin'!