Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)

Woody Allen: Victor, Fabrizio, The Fool, Sperm

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Fool : Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

• Victor Shakapopulis : I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."

• The Fool : My father! You who died in childbirth!

• The Fool : With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!

• Friend : [in Italian]  You got to play with her before you lay her.

  Fabrizio : [in Italian]  For how long?

  Friend : [in Italian]  Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

  Fabrizio : [in Italian]  How long with your wife?

  Friend : [in Italian]  Thirty seconds.

  Fabrizio : [in Italian, in awe]  Lucky!

• The Queen : Kiss me quick!

  The Fool : Yes!... where is your quick?

• Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

  Victor Shakapopulis : How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

  Dr. Bernardo : Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

  Victor Shakapopulis : But why? What good will this do anybody?

  Dr. Bernardo : It'll show those fools who called me mad!

• The Queen : Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

  The Fool : Oh, Madam, not I, surely, would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes.

• [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] 

  The Fool : Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

• Gina : [in Italian]  It was my first time. Did you like it?

  Fabrizio : [in Italian]  Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.

• Woods County Sheriff : Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?

  Victor Shakapopulis : That was a single, yeah.

  Woods County Sheriff : Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.

• Victor Shakapopulis : Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

  Dr. Bernardo : Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

  Dr. Bernardo : Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

  [Victor makes hand gestures] 

  Dr. Bernardo : Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

  Victor Shakapopulis : Are we having dessert?

• The Queen : Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.

  The Fool : Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

• [the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom] 

  The King : [to the Queen]  Come, give me a kiss.

  The Fool : 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.

• Gina : [in Italian]  Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.

  Fabrizio : Gina, your body to me a cathedral. Now take off your pants.

• Woods County Sheriff : [on radio]  Be on the look out for a large female breast.

  Victor Shakapopulis : It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.

  Woods County Sheriff : About a 4000 with an X-cup.

• Sperm #1 : I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.

• Helen Lacey : Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!

  Victor Shakapopulis : Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

• The Fool : T.B. or not T.B. That is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough. Of cough.

• Victor : [pulls into a gas station]  Let me have 50 cents worth of regular.

• Sperm : Well, this looks like it.

  Victor : Do you guys know what its like out there?

  Sperm : Like they told us in training school - it's an ovum.

  Victor : I'm scared. I don't want to go.

  Sperm : This is what all this training was for.

  Victor : But, who knows what its gonna be like out there.

  Sperm : You saw slides in class.

  Victor : Yeah, but, you hear these strange stories, you know, like, like there's this pill these women take or sometimes the guy's will slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber.

  Sperm : Oh, that's nonsense.

  Victor : Here or what if its a homosexual encounter?

• [Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited] 

  Fabrizio : [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her]  Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

  [a long time later, Gina is still insensitive] 

  Fabrizio : [sleepily, in Italian]  Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

  [Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her] 

• The Queen : Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!

  The Fool : But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!

  The Queen : 'One on either side'?

  The Fool : A matched set!

  The Queen : That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!

  [She storms away knocking the Fool over] 

  The Fool : I fell on my bells!

• The Queen : Wait! Fool, come here. I have - on me, this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins. That makes me wish, thy, longest thou should run amok over my entire body and make love to me now. Ravage me and take me now. Take me.

  The Fool : It would be my pleasure.

  The Queen : Take me now to the bed.

  The Fool : To the bed?

  The Queen : Make love to me now.

  The Fool : Yes. To the bed!

• The Fool : Did you like the way I fooled these guys?

• The Fool : The potion will be under the pillow. So, in case you lose your hots, we can refurbish them.

  The Queen : Ay! Come close! Oh God, run thy hands upon my body!

  The Fool : I shall - I shall realign your brakes.

  The Queen : Ay! Oh! Nay, I need the feel of naked flesh against flesh.

  The Fool : I'm all out of naked flesh. But, will velvet do?

• Victor : I love the new exercises His Majesty does to keep in shape. It's called: taxing peasants.

• The Queen : Cheers!

  The Fool : And Roebuck.

• The Fool : But, seriously, ladies and germs, I want to say that - that plague is really something. Doesn't everything look black?

• The Fool : Forgive me, Madam, I beg your puberty.

• Helen Lacey : Victor, look!

  Victor : Oh my God, a gigantic tit!

  Helen Lacey : Oh, Victor, what are we going to do?

  Victor : I don't know what you're going to do; but, I'm going home and get my catchers mitt. Look, it looks angry. The nipple's getting erect.

• Victor : Sheriff, I want to report an escaped tit.

• Victor : Listen, we don't have time to argue here. While we're standing here, the countryside's being ravaged by a colossal boob!

• Helen Lacey : Are studying sexual phenomenon too?

  Victor : Yes. I was a biology major in school and I've really been looking forward to working with the Doctor, you know, he's a great hero of mine. I don't know if you know this or not, but, he was the first man to ever measure the sound waves produce by an erection.

• Victor : I've never told anyone this before; but, when I was a little child I was breastfed from falsies.

• Victor : The truth of the matter is, I've learned one thing from this whole situation and that is: when it comes to sex, there are certain things that should be always left unknown - and with my luck, they probably will be.