The Ritz (1976)

Jack Weston: Gaetano Proclo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gaetano Proclo : We used to have a guy like that back in the army. We called him "Get-Away-From-Me-Claude".

• Gaetano Proclo : Listen, there's something I have to tell you...

  Chris : You're not gay?

  Gaetano Proclo : [relieved]  No!

  Chris : What, are you a social worker or something?

  Gaetano Proclo : No, but I didn't know that everyone in here was...

  Chris : GAY! See? It's not a bad word. You might try using it sometime.

  Gaetano Proclo : You mean to tell me that everyone in here is gay?

  Chris : God, I hope so. Otherwise I just paid ten dollars to walk around in a towel in front of a bunch of Shriners.

• Gaetano Proclo : You're a good man, Abe. I'm gonna have a novena said for you when I get back to Cleveland. What's your last name? Abe what?

  Abe Lefkowitz : Lefkowitz.

  Gaetano Proclo : I'll still have a novena said for you when I get back.

  [Gaetano leaves] 

  Chris : You know, I had a novena said for me once. I asked to wake up gorgeous.

  Abe Lefkowitz : So, what happened?

  Chris : Well, look at me!

• Gaetano Proclo : You were in "The Sound of Music"?

  Googie Gomez : Oh chure.

  Gaetano Proclo : Where was this?

  Googie Gomez : Broadway, the mainest thing, where else?

  Gaetano Proclo : The original cast?

  Googie Gomez : Ha, I was more original than anyone else in it. They fired me on the first day of rehearsal, those bastards. They said I wasn't right for the part.

  Gaetano Proclo : What part was that?

  Googie Gomez : Oh, one of the f***ing Trapp kids.

• Gaetano Proclo : My, what unusual pants. They look like cowboy chaps.

  Patron In Chaps : [fixing Gaetano with an intense stare and spoken in a rich, deep voice]  They are cowboy chaps.

  Gaetano Proclo : [nervously]  That's what I was thinking. They look like cowboy chaps.

• Patron With Cigar : Crisco.

  Gaetano Proclo : What?

  Patron With Cigar : Crisco Oil Party. Room 419. Pass it on.

  Gaetano Proclo : Pass what on?

  Patron With Cigar : Bring Joey.

  Gaetano Proclo : Who's Joey?

  Patron With Cigar : You know Joey. Don't bring Chuck. You've got that?

  Gaetano Proclo : Crisco Oil Party. Room 419. I can bring Joey but not Chuck.

  Patron With Cigar : Check.

  Gaetano Proclo : What's the matter with Chuck?

  [answer is whispered in his ear] 

  Gaetano Proclo : [absolutely horrified]  Chuck is definitely out!

  Patron With Cigar : [walking away]  Hey, you won't be disappointed.

• Gaetano Proclo : [disappointed]  You're not Joe Namath!

  Chris : Well, neither are you.

  Gaetano Proclo : I thought you were Joe Namath.

  Chris : It's the lighting.

  Gaetano Proclo : I was praying you were Joe Namath.

  Chris : I don't blame ya!

  Gaetano Proclo : I mean, you just had to be him.

  Chris : Are you eating your heart out, honey?

• Claude Perkins : [trying to seduce Gaetano]  You'll never guess what I had for dinner tonight, so I'm just going to tell you.

  Gaetano Proclo : I beg your pardon?

  Claude Perkins : A nice ground-pork meatloaf with mozzarella, mashed potatoes covered with gobs of gravy, carrots floating in butter, and chunks of avocado with roquefort dressing. Couldn't you just die?

  Gaetano Proclo : [confused]  I don't know what I could just.

  Claude Perkins : And then for dessert, German chocolate cake with two scoops of mocha walnut ice cream.

• Googie Gomez : Think of a tropical night. Think of a beetch.

  Gaetano Proclo : What bitch?

• Gaetano Proclo : You got a nightclub in there?

  Abe Lefkowitz : We got a nightclub, movies, swimming pool, steam room, massage table, discothèque, bridge, amateur night - and free blood tests every Wednesday.

• Chris : As strange as it may seem, no one is going to attack you.

  Gaetano Proclo : Someone already has!

  Chris : Eh, beginner's luck.

• Gaetano Proclo : I don't know what I'm doing!

  Chris : Join the club! It's like some strange heterosexual Gypsy curse was put on this place.

• Abe Lefkowitz : You ever been in a place like this?

  Gaetano Proclo : Oh, sure! We got a Jack LaLanne's in Cleveland.

• Duff : Are you 210?

  Gaetano Proclo : Yeah, something like that.

  Duff : No, I meant your room.

  Gaetano Proclo : Oh, so did I.

• Gaetano Proclo : This place is like a Chinese maze.

• Gaetano Proclo : I thought that guy was taking me to my room. You don't think I went in because I wanted to?

  Duff : You trying to tell us he's a chubby chaser?

  Gaetano Proclo : A chubby what?

  Tiger : You know. It's somebody who likes...

  Gaetano Proclo : You mean, like me?

  Duff : You're right up his alley.

• Gaetano Proclo : Not so fast. What about slippers?

  Duff : Slippers?

  Gaetano Proclo : Slippers!

  Duff : Well, where do you think you are, New York Athletic Club? Slippers?

  Gaetano Proclo : Well, you could catch athlete's foot in a place like this.

  Tiger : You're lucky if that's all you catch.

• Gaetano Proclo : I *knew* there was something funny about that Gomez woman. She's *not* a woman.

• Googie Gomez : You are too guapo to be a producer.

  Gaetano Proclo : Guapo?

  Googie Gomez : Handsome.

  Gaetano Proclo : Who, me?

• Googie Gomez : Don't fight it, Chico.

  Gaetano Proclo : Believe me, you won't be happy. I won't be happy. You're making a big mistake.

  Googie Gomez : Oh! I am suddenly all woman.

  Gaetano Proclo : No, you're not. You're someone with a lot of problems.

  Googie Gomez : Aye! Make me feel like a real woman, Chico.

  Gaetano Proclo : Now, that's not my department. That's out of my hands!

  Googie Gomez : Kiss me!

• Googie Gomez : Come on, my Mr. Big Producer. You're going to love my show. I got you the best seat. I seat you ringside. We save the hanky-pank for later, huh?

  Gaetano Proclo : Hanky-pank, what?

  Googie Gomez : Googie is going to straighten you out between shows!

• Gaetano Proclo : Tiger and Duff told Googie I was Carmine Vespucci. Claude thinks I'm Carmine Vespucci. Everybody thinks I'm Carmine Vespucci.

  Chris : Well, who are you?

  Gaetano Proclo : Carmine Vespucci.

  Michael Brick : Are you Mr. Carmine Vespucci, sir?

• Gaetano Proclo : This is not gonna work, Mr. Googie!

  Googie Gomez : Mr. Googie?

  Gaetano Proclo : There's just no way.

  Googie Gomez : Mr. Googie? You thought I was a drag queen? No such luck, Chico.

  Gaetano Proclo : You mean to tell me that you're really a Miss?

  Googie Gomez : This is all real.

  [puts Gaetano's hands on her breasts] 

  Gaetano Proclo : Yeah, they feel real.

  Googie Gomez : I just hope I'm going to find me some huevitos.

  Gaetano Proclo : What are huevitos?

  Googie Gomez : These.

  [Grabs Gaetano's crotch] 

  Gaetano Proclo : Oh!

  Googie Gomez : Aye! Oh, Chico!

  Gaetano Proclo : Oh! They're real too! They're real! They're real! They're real!

  Googie Gomez : I know we're going to make such whoopee together, Chico.

• Gaetano Proclo : I can explain everything.

  Googie Gomez : I don't need no explain. You would rather make: hee, hee, hee, poo, poo, poo, ha, ha, ha - with that maricón you got hiding under the bed.

  Chris : [from under the bed]  Two maricóns, Googie.

• Gaetano Proclo : Fat man in 201! Come and get it! He's all yours! Fat man in 201! Come and get it! He's all yours! Fat man in 201! Fat man in 201!

• Vivian Proclo : I just hope you're not gonna insist on mentioning this in confession. For my sake, for the children, please, don't tell about this.

  Gaetano Proclo : I wasn't planning to.

  Vivian Proclo : It's just a phase you're going through. Last year, it was miniature golf.

• Gaetano Proclo : It's people like you that really belong in garbage. It's people like me that just marry into it.