Fletch (1985)
Chevy Chase: Fletch
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Joseph Dolan : So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch : We play tennis at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : Really? California Racquet Club?
Fletch : Right.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch : Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch : No, that's "Babar".
Dr. Joseph Dolan : Two B's?
Fletch : One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : That's two.
Fletch : Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch : I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : No children?
Fletch : No elephant books.
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Dr. Joseph Dolan : You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch : Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : He was dying for years.
Fletch : Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan : He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch : Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
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Fletch : Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?
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[Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]
Fletch : Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin : Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch : Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
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[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Fletch : Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.
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Gail Stanwyk : I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
Fletch : How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
Gail Stanwyk : If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch : You are a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyk : See what I mean?
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Fletch : Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Gail Stanwyk : Depends on the question.
Fletch : Want some more champagne?
Gail Stanwyk : Yes.
Fletch : Are you still in love with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk : No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.
Fletch : Why'd you let me in?
Gail Stanwyk : Um, because I'm bored.
Fletch : If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk : Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.
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Gail Stanwyk : Are you always this forward?
Fletch : Only with wet, married women.
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Fletch : I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk : Ohhhh, John.
[they laugh]
Gail Stanwyk : John who?
Fletch : John Cocktoastin.
Gail Stanwyk : That's a beautiful name.
Fletch : Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk : That's an odd combination.
Fletch : Yeah, well, so were my parents.
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[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]
Chief Karlin : So, what's your name?
Fletch : Fletch.
Chief Karlin : Full name?
Fletch : Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin : I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch : I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin : [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?
Fletch : Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.
Chief Karlin : Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch : I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
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Fletch : Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.
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[During a proctological exam]
Fletch : You using the whole fist, Doc?
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[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]
Teenager : Are you a cop?
Fletch : As far as you know.
Teenager : Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch : Why? Did you steal the car?
Teenager : I sure did.
Fletch : Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
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Fletch : (singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...
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Fletch : You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.
Alan Stanwyk : Oh? And what was that?
Fletch : Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.
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Fletch : Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.
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Waiter : Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
Fletch : No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
Waiter : They already left, Señor.
Fletch : It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter : Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch : Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.
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Stanton Boyd : What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch : Comanche Indian.
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Fletch : In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.
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Fletch : Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker : Who?
Fletch : Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.
Frank Walker : How grey?
Fletch : Charcoal.
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Fletch : I love your body, Larry.
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Fletch : Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
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Pathologist : Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch : No, not since breakfast.
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Fletch : Come on Frank, say yes, and I'll buy you some new deodorant.
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Fletch : You're serious.
Chief Karlin : Ask anybody.
Fletch : Can I ask someone right now?
[looks out of cell]
Fletch : How about my mom - can I call her right now?
Chief Karlin : [waves gun and looks around] I guess not.
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Fletch : Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Frank Walker : Utah?
Fletch : Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?
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Gail Stanwyck : She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch : What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
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[Fletch has fainted]
Records Nurse : Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
Fletch : Where am I?
Records Nurse : You're in the records room.
Fletch : The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.
Records Nurse : Can I get you something?
Fletch : Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.
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Fletch : I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyk : Alan's in Utah.
Fletch : I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
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Gail Stanwyk : I didn't know you knew the Underhills.
Fletch : Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.
Gail Stanwyk : You were in the war?
Fletch : No, he was. I got him out.
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Receptionist : May I help you Dr...?
Fletch : Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist : Dr. who?
Fletch : Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
Receptionist : What was that name again?
Fletch : It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist : Dr. who?
Fletch : Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?
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Fletch : I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
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Alan Stanwyk : You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch : I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
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[Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]
Fletch : Thank god, the... police.
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Detective #1 : Got a gun, creep?
Fletch : Shamu's got one, borrow his.
Detective #1 : [searching Fletch] What have we here?
Fletch : That's my dick.
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Fletch : For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
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Chief Karlin : [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?
Fletch : [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!
Chief Karlin : Yeah.
Fletch : I hate Tommy LaSorda!
[punches glass out of the picture frame]
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Alan Stanwyk : If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch : Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyk : It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch : Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyk : One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Fletch : Nugent. Ted Nugent.
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Fletch : If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
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Fletch's girlfriend : [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?
Fletch : No, never, never.
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Waiter : Gracias, señor.
Fletch : Tierra Del Fuego.
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Gail Stanwyk : I really should change.
Fletch : No! I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today.
Gail Stanwyk : I mean, put clothes on.
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[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]
Fletch : Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
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[last lines]
Fletch : [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?
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Gail Stanwyk : What are you doing here?
Fletch : I ordered some lunch.
Gail Stanwyk : You ordered it here?
Fletch : Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.
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Fletch : Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.
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Fletch : Provo, Spain?
Pan Am Clerk : Utah.
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Receptionist : [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon?
Fletch : No, never, never.
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Fletch : [entering through the window] If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside, would you?
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[to a Doberman pinscher]
Fletch : Look, defenseless babies!
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Fletch : [narrating] In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.
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[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Fletch : You fellas wanna read me my rights?
Detective #1 : You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
[Detective #2 blows Fletch a kiss]
Fletch : I'll... waive my rights.
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Fletch : [Fletch bumps the lawyer's forehead] He draws the foul!
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[Fletch is driving in the car with the Teenager]
Fletch : I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Teenager : [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch : Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.
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Fletch : Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.
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Willy : What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch : Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch : Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
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Gail Stanwyk : I dont like basketball.
Fletch : Maybe that's because you don't understand basketball. You haven't been schooled in the fundamentals: Pick & roll...
Gail Stanwyk : Sounds like a fast food chain.
Fletch : Reverse stuff...
Gail Stanwyk : That I've done.
Fletch : I bet you have, ya little vixen.
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Pan Am Clerk : I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.
Fletch : Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin?
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Fletch : [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you?
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[Fletch is interviewing Alan Stanwyk's parents, Marvin and Velma]
Fletch : You folks don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions, do you?
Marvin Stanwyk : Shoot.
Fletch : Thank you very much. We'll start with some routine things. You and your wife are currently alive, I take it?
[beat]
Marvin Stanwyk : Harry, if there's...
Fletch : It's just regulations.
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[Being chased by the local cops, Fletch has barged into the middle of a club meeting in a ballroom]
Speaker : And now... the Father of Internal Bushings... our very own and beloved leader... A man who needs no introduction!
Fletch : Thank you very much, Sammy! I couldn't wait. That was a very nice introduction, and I am... very thrilled and proud to be here. It's been a wonderful ceremony here on behalf of our own Fred... "The Dorf" Dorfman! Fred was darn near death recently. He wasn't ashamed to admit to me that he had syphilis. Thank God he stopped it in its tracks. It takes a lot for a man... to admit where he got it from and how he got it. Look at him today. Fred, you look just wonderful. The nose looks normal again. The face has come back into shape. It's not drooling anymore. And hats off to Marge, his wife, because that whole experience... the three weeks that she stayed at Trembling Hills has paid off. No more alcohol or sedatives in her life. There are many other things I wanna tell you about Fred... things that maybe many of you already know.
[By this time, Fletch has made it up to the dais at the front of the room]
Fletch : [taking microphone] You're not going to sing for us, are you, Sammy?
[crowd laughs]
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Detective #1 : [as Fletch enters his apartment, he is ambushed by two detectives] Surprise!
Detective #2 : [dragging Fletch over the wall] Come on, move, Move!
Detective #1 : Police! Spread 'em!
[Fletch assumes the position as the first detective pats him down]
Detective #1 : Got a gun, creep?
Fletch : Shamu's got one. Borrow his.
Detective #1 : [continues patting him down] What have we here?
Fletch : That's my dick.
Detective #1 : Oh, funny boy.
[the detective takes out a bag of heroin and drops it in front of Fletch's shoes]
Detective #1 : What have we here?
Detective #2 : Looks like heroin, Gene.
Fletch : [turns around] Hey, you just planted that.
Detective #1 : [point his gun at Fletch] What'd you say?
Fletch : You fellas want to read me my rights?
Detective #1 : You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me.
Fletch : [quietly] That's fine.
Detective #1 : You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
[the second detective blows Fletch a farewell kiss]
Fletch : I'll waive my rights.
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Fletch : [narrating] I had to keep digging... without a shovel.
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Fletch : Look! Defenseless babies! Fell for the oldest trick in the book!
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Fletch : Sally Ann can confirm all this when the police pick her up at the Airport Marriott. That's where she is, isn't it? By the way, Alan is a very big drug smuggler. But you can read all about that in tomorrow's paper. Sincerely, I.M. Fletcher. P.S. Have a nice day.
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[Fletch arrives at the farm of Alan Stanwyk's parents, Marvin and Velma in Utah]
Fletch : Good afternoon!
Marvin Stanwyk : Howdy.
[Fletch notices Marvin is looking at his rental car which has a destroyed back windshield]
Fletch : They should recall these things. Hit one bump and the window explodes. You're Marvin Stanwyk?
Marvin Stanwyk : Yeah.
[shakes hands with Fletch]
Fletch : Hi there. I'm Harry S. Truman, Casewell Insurance underwriters.
Marvin Stanwyk : "Harry S. Truman"?
Fletch : My parents were fans of the former president.
Marvin Stanwyk : Isn't that nice? He was a good man.
Fletch : He sure was.
Marvin Stanwyk : He showed the Japs a thing or two.
Fletch : Dropped the big one, huh?
Marvin Stanwyk : He dropped two big ones on them!
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Fletch : [outraged that Frank called the police chief] How could you call him? What's the matter with you?
Frank Walker : Fletch, I'm sorry.
Fletch : Do you have any idea how close to death I came?
Frank Walker : Yeah, it's awful.
Fletch : I mean, the guy had me alone in a cell with a gun at my head and a knife in his hand! He threatened to kill me, Frank!
[Frank looks at him like Fletch is crazy]
Frank Walker : Unbelivable.
Fletch : You don't believe me, do you?
Frank Walker : Nope.
Fletch : [to Larry] It's crazy. He thinks I'm lying.
Larry : Unbelievable.
Frank Walker : Fletch, I need an article from you by tomorrow, and I don't want these unsubstantiated charges about dope-dealing cops or any of your horseshit paranoid fantasies about homicidal police chiefs! Give me something I can print!
Fletch : [flips the bird] Print this.
Larry : [also flips the bird] Me, too.
Frank Walker : [as Larry follows Fletch out] Hey, watch it. You're on thin ice, Larry.
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Records Nurse : Doctor Holmes went to get you some smelling salts. He was quite surprised that you fainted.
Fletch : He was surprised? I thought that body was my dead brother.
Records Nurse : OH!
Fletch : It's ok, but that spleen was a spitting image.
