- Robin Pierce: [emerging from a coffin, smirking] You're too late.
- Countess: You couldn't have! You've been in there for less than a minute.
- [Mark emerges from the coffin smirking]
- Countess: [dejectedly] You could've...
- [raises an eyebrow]
- Countess: ...but you didn't have time to enjoy it.
- Mark Kendall: Are you a prostitute?
- Countess: I'm whatever you want me to be.
- Mark Kendall: Good! 'Cause I only have five dollars!
- Robin Pierce: Ow. You bit my lip.
- Mark Kendall: I did?
- Robin Pierce: Yeah.
- Mark Kendall: Well you shouldn't be so sweet.
- Robin: Could one of these lady vampires actually bite a guy? You know, like a teenage guy?
- Bookseller: Well how old would he be?
- Robin: Like, 18.
- Bookseller: Well I seriously doubt it. You see the female vampire needs the blood of a virgin, and an 18-year-old boy would hardly be a virgin, now would he?
- Robin: Well just hypothetically, what if he was a virgin?
- Bookseller: Well then I think he has a lot bigger problems to worry about than female vampires.
- [chuckles]
- Mark Kendall: Oh, Robin, PLEASE?
- Robin Pierce: Mark, we've been through this sex thing a million times.
- Mark Kendall: Half way through it a million times. It's what people do when they're in love! It's natural. It's right.
- Robin Pierce: Well it's not natural or right for me to do it in a car.
- Mark Kendall: What about an ice cream truck?
- Robin: Mark, what is it?
- Mark Kendall: [after witnessing about being invisible in a mirror] Look! I'm not there! Look! I swear I wasn't there a minute ago. It was that woman.
- Robin: The one who bit your buttons?
- Mark Kendall: I think she is a vampire and I think she has turned me into one.
- Robin: Turning you into a vampire?
- Mark Kendall: That's why I couldn't see myself. Vampires don't have a reflection.
- Mark Kendall: What was that scene in the shower all about?
- Russ: That's the thanks I get for trying to help out a friend?
- Mark Kendall: Oh you're a big help, thanks a lot. Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe you could've asked me?
- Jamie: Oh my God!
- Russ: She told us to look!
- Jamie: I knew it! I knew it, we enjoyed it!
- Russ: Would you shut up? Just shut up!
- Jamie: No that's it! We're homos! We're rump-rangers!
- Ice-Cream Customer: Do you have a Creamsicle?
- Mark Kendall: Take a hike! We're closed for renovations.
- Jamie: This is terrible. I can't believe this happened.
- Russ: Most humiliating experience of my life!
- Jamie: This is awful. This is the suckiest thing that could ever happen! The whole school thinks we're... gay!
- Russ: Don't be such a twerp! Our past histories speak for themselves. No one's going to think we're gay.
- Jamie: I don't have a past history, okay? And neither do you! This is it. We might as well move in together and get his-and-his towels.
- Russ: Hey who cares what those assholes think?
- [pause]
- Russ: What were they doing in the showers in the first place?
- Jamie: *They* were washing. *We* were enacting a prison rape scene.
- Countess: How many days left till Halloween, Sebastian?
- Sebastian: Oh, a little more than a week, Countess. I told you not to worry.
- Countess: Not to worry? How amusing. But then you're not the one who needs to have the virgin blood of a young man not once, but three times before All Hallows Eve. Not to worry? Being a vampire in the 20th century is a nightmare!
- Sebastian: Did we get up on the wrong side of the coffin this evening?
- Russ: Tell us what happened, man! Blow by beautiful blow! Did you undress her slowly? Like first, revealing big lucious magoombas?
- Jamie: Did she have any tattoos or scars or anything?
- Mark Kendall: I told you I don't remember! If you guys are so interested in my sexual failures, why don't you go have a few of your own?
- Mark Kendall: You know, maybe the Countess is right. It would be better slower.
- Robin Pierce: Let's find out.
- Mark Kendall: [as he closes the coffin] I believe I've created a monster.
- Russ: Hi. I'm Russ, and I'm a Sagittarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoi. Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bullshit, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO?