ALF (1986–1990)

Max Wright: Willie Tanner

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Willie : This is a jigsaw puzzle.

  ALF : It's broken.

  Willie : That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.

  ALF : Why? I didn't break it.

• ALF : I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.

  Willie : Hence the term "musical."

  ALF : Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"

  Willie : It's getting on my nerves.

  ALF : So what musical are you going to go see today?

  Willie : "Cats."

  ALF : Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

• Willie : Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.

  ALF : Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

• Willie : You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.

  ALF : I'll apply for a green card.

  Willie : That's only if you want a job.

  ALF : Pass.

  [pause] 

  ALF : I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.

  Willie : ALF...

  ALF : Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.

  Willie : ALF.

  ALF : You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.

  Willie : Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.

  ALF : Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.

  Willie : How many cups of coffee have you had?

  ALF : Forty. Why?

• Willie : How long are you gonna keep this up?

  ALF : Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?

  Willie : No.

  ALF : Well, I'd like to.

• Willie : Go back to the tent.

  ALF : It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.

  Willie : There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.

  ALF : I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths

  [spitting water sound] 

  ALF : .

  Willie : That was my new garden hose.

  ALF : Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.

• [ALF has just broken Willie's shortwave radio] 

  Willie : Do you know how long - *looooooong*... It took me ten years to put that thing together.

  ALF : I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.

• Trevor Ochmonek : Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?

  Willie : Sure. They're in your garage.

• [ALF enters the Tanner's bedroom] 

  ALF : Are you decent?

  Willie : Does it matter?

  ALF : Not to me.

• ALF : [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV]  Willie, it was an accident!

  Willie : An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?

  ALF : Alright, let's call it a mistake!

• ALF : I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes...

  [points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound] 

  ALF : "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

  Willie : You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?

  ALF : No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

• Willie : If you had eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry.

  [pause] 

  Willie : That's a sentence I never thought I would hear myself say.

• Willie : Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.

  ALF : You do?

  Willie : Not really, but we gotta go.

• Willie : Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor - Mrs. Ochmonek.

  ALF : Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo.

• ALF : Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken?

  Willie : If you were in the woods.

• Kate : Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?

  ALF : It was an atomic bomb.

  Willie : It was a pool heather.

  ALF : Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.

  Kate : Yes, they do.

  ALF : They do? Can we go over?

• [Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF] 

  Willie : I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?

  ALF : Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"

• Willie : There's more than one way to skin a cat.

  ALF : You've been looking at my recipe book.

• [on a camping trip] 

  Willie : One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.

  ALF : Right. Let the alien starve.

  Willie : I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!

  [pause] 

  Willie : How would you like your hamburger?

  ALF : Medium rare. Hold the lightning.

  Willie : How would you like to be 50% hair?

  ALF : You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.

  Willie : I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.

  ALF : How, by drowning us?

  Willie : By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!

  Kate : [annoyed]  Guys, please.

  ALF : Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!

  Willie : We're in this rainforest because of you!

  ALF : I vote we go home.

  Willie : You're not voting in this.

  ALF : Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!

• [the Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book] 

  Brian : What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?

  ALF : Burp down wind.

  Willie : He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."

• [ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower] 

  Willie : You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

• [ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley] 

  ALF : I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.

  Willie : I'm not convinced.

  ALF : OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.

  Willie : ALF, you are grasping at straws.

  ALF : [shouts]  OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.

• Willie : I never meant to bring Jimbo over.

  ALF : You brought an elephant home to dinner?

  Willie : I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.

• Willie : [to Kate about ALF]  He's odd. Even for an alien.

• ALF : [picking up Willie's glasses]  Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?

  Willie : Lash? How do you know about Lash?

  ALF : Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel...

  [tries on Willie's glasses] 

  ALF : ... Geez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?

• ALF : It's the day before Christmas, I've hidden all the eggs.

  Willie : ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.

  ALF : Oh, that's right. Christmas is where we carve the pumpkin.

• ALF : Hey, what's going on in here?

  Willie : We're having a family meeting.

  ALF : Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.

  Kate : Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges.

  ALF : I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.

  Brian : Curly was a senator once.

  ALF : True, and Moe was Speaker of the House.

  Willie : Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute?

  ALF : Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.

• ALF : [about Lucky]  Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.

  Willie : And why was that?

  ALF : Cause I was chasing him with a fork.

• ALF : We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs.

  Willie : I would have guessed all ten.

• ALF : [sings to the tune of Camptown Ladies]  Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody. Gone the holy day...

  Willie : ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all.

  ALF : Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?

• [the Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willie's brother] 

  Lynn : He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor.

  ALF : I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.

  Willie : You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope.

  ALF : I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.

• Willie : I'm gonna have my hamburger medium.

  ALF : Medium? They are all the same size. Extra large.

• Willie : Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.

  ALF : I bet I can get it out of him.

  Willie : [yelling]  LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!, LEAVE HIM ALONE!

  ALF : [sarcastically]  So what are you saying?, Leave the man alone?

• Willie : I'll have you know that I vote for the best candidate.

  ALF : [sarcastically]  Guess that explains both votes for Carter.

• [ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie] 

  ALF : Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian.

  Kate : What's wrong with Brian?

  ALF : He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.

  Kate : [in a sudden burst of anger]  All right. That's it.

  Willie : Calm down.

  ALF : Stop ventilating.

  Kate : I am not ventilating. I am talking.

  [to Willie] 

  Kate : And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.

  ALF : You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.

  Willie : And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand.

  ALF : Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.

  Willie : This must stop.

  ALF : That's right. A good scream. Let it fly.

  Willie : You cannot keep aggravating people like this.

  ALF : Why do you hate your mother?

• Willie : When the babysitter is here, ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic.

  ALF : Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?

  Willie : Were all making adjustments here, ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much...

  ALF : Attica. Attica. Attica.

• ALF : Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.

  Willie : Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?

  ALF : Trust me on this one.

• Willie : Isn't there anybody else you could bother?

  ALF : We voted. You were the people's choice.

• Willie : You know, Trevor. It seems this young man is a little Mister Fix-it.

  Lynn : Little Mister Fix-it. How cute.

  Jake Ochmonek : You want me, don't you?

• Willie : I'm trying to make this vacation more fun. You might do it yourself instead of complaining all the time.

• ALF : That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.

  Willie : But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?

  ALF : Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

  Willie : Don't you see the connection?

  ALF : [pause]  What connection?

  Willie : I give up.

  ALF : Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae.