- [last lines]
- Kevin: Eight hours ago I was lunatic at the state asylum. Right? Now I gotta a yacht, I met a nice lady. I'm proud to be an American.
- Nurse Maggie Lesser: Dr. Slattery.
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] Yes. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to pee. I don't need a second opinion for that too. I know how to hold it and everything. Do I need a second opinion for that?
- Dr. Foster: No.
- [to the nurse]
- Dr. Foster: He doesn't need a second opinion.
- Kevin: This is my first offense. Couldn't you get me probation or something? Look, I'll do social work. Hey, how about this? I'll cook for runaway teenage girls.
- Kevin: To tell you the truth, I'm so tense right now you could open a beer bottle cap from my asshole. I mean, I am talking tense. I'm talking tense.
- Kevin: I don't think she bought it.
- Louis: I thought we had her this time. This lady is tough! She's seen a lot of scams, you now. So, we have to invent a new approach to insanity.
- Kevin: What are talking about inventing a new approach? Man, I was in there trying to wank off. I believe she was wanking off, too.
- Dr. Foster: Who are you?
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] Dr. Slattery. Who are you?
- Dr. Foster: Dr. Foster.
- Kevin: Doctor, we got the same first name.
- Dr. Foster: Miss Atwood, you're standing on a malpractice time bomb. I don't intend to be in the vicinity when it explodes.
- Dr. Foster: What kind of gypsy doctor are you?
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] Wait a minute, is that a formal accusation or libelous hearsay? Because I'm an Emergency Room Doctor, I have a lawyer on call 24 hours a day to take care of nitwits like you! You'll be on your ass like white on rice.
- Kevin: [singing while pretending to be Dr. Slattery] The junkies on the go, The junkies on the go, Hi-ho, the methadone, The junkies on the go...
- Rachel Atwood: We really do need the manpower.
- Helicopter Junkie: I thought this was supposed to be a drug program, not a job program. Ain't that right, fellas? So just give us our dope. Dope.
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] Did you just experience a sharp pain?
- Helicopter Junkie: No, I just experienced a blow job. What the hell do you think, man?
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] Cough!
- Helicopter Junkie: [Dr. Joffe checking him for a hernia] I am coughing, man. I'll cough up a fucking lung if this guy will let go my balls.
- Kevin: Harder!
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] She's having a baby?
- Maternity Nurse: Yes. It come out like a gum ball.
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] You're a penis-head, you know that?
- Dr. Foster: What?
- Kevin: We're doctors! People come to us for help and they say, "Doctor, help me, please," and we help them. That's power. And you let your lawyers scare you out of that? Dammit, man, we got the greatest jobs in the world. We can park anywhere we want! Driveways, loading zones. No tickets.
- Kevin: Think about where you would have been tonight without me. Okay? Think about it.
- Rachel Atwood: That's right. You made me believe that anything is possible.
- Kevin: You'd have fallen flat on your fuckin' face if it wasn't for me. And now you're giving me a bunch of shit! I don't deserve this shit!
- Chambers: Junkies roaming the halls, orderlies prescribing diets, dismembered ambulances, and a helicopter in my fucking lobby!
- Rachel Atwood: You act as if you've never seen one before.
- Kevin: [pretending to be Dr. Slattery] Oh, I've seen 'em. Every time I - deliver a baby, it's - it's like the first time. It's a baby.
- Kevin: I wish I could be who you wanted me to be, but I'm not.
- Rachel Atwood: Well, I think that you might be.