The Simpsons (1989– )
Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Carl, Comic Book Guy, Lou, Superintendent Chalmers, Kirk Van Houten, Carl Carlson, Apu, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Professor Frink, Cletus, Snake, Disco Stu, Bumblebee Man, Wiseguy, Old Jewish Man, Dr. Nick Riviera, Duffman, Cletus Spuckler, Prof. Frink, Drederick Tatum, Luigi, Captain McAllister, Raphael, Luigi Risotto, Sea Captain, Snake Jailbird, Johnny Tightlips, Captain McCallister, Julio, Captain Horatio McCallister, Coach Krupt, Frink, Clancy Wiggum, Clerk, Director, Gary Chalmers, Moe, Waiter, Chief Clancy Wiggum, Additional Voices, Crazy Old Man, TV Announcer, The Sea Captain, Announcer, Auctioneer, Cab Driver, Chalmers, Doctor, Doug, Ranger, Roofi, Security Guard, Superintendant Chalmers, Tour Guide, Bailiff, Chazz Busby, Chef, Delivery Man, Easy Reader, European Judge #1, Gabbo, Guy Talking To Krusty, Homeless Man, Jesus, Legs, Man, Man in Crowd, Nobel Prize Announcer, Old Jewish Guy, Pilot, Robot, Ron Rabinowitz, Santa Claus, Sprooklyn Bum, Van Krusten, Abraham Lincoln, Akira, Audience Member, Benjamin, Bum, Captain, Charlie, Coach, Construction Worker, Crowd Members, Farmer, General, Guard, Gunter, Hippie, Jack, Jerry, Krusty's Assistant, Lifeguard, Mr. Costington, Old Jewish man, Pig, Pyro...
Photos
Quotes
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Chief Wiggum : [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
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Moe : Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
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Superintendent Chalmers : [Vaudeville] What I am asking you is "Who's on first?"
Principal Skinner : A man called Hoo is on First Base, whose name confusingly sounds like the question "Who?"
Superintendent Chalmers : Well, Seymour, you have ruined the Act. Ya sexless freak.
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Superintendent Chalmers : I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
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Superintendent Chalmers : [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
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Moe : We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.
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Professor Frink : The Nobel Prize! It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient.
Lisa : Just for that?
Professor Frink : It was a slow year.
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Professor Frink : [Homer is a Chiropracter] Will this help my Sciatica?
Homer : I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"
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Milhouse : [Disguised as Kirk] I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.
Moe : Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.
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Horst : [the new German owners of the power plant have not yet decided whether to keep Homer on] You've been safety inspector for two years now. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
Homer : Uh... all of them.
Horst : [Horst and Hans glance at one another] I... see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
Homer : I sure do!
Hans : [after Homer fails to elaborate] Such as?
Homer : Well, er... well, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills.
[Hans and Horst exchange another look, this time Homer picks up on it and begins to squirm under their glare]
Homer : Because... a lot of workers really like candy.
Horst : We understand Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
Homer : Mmmmm... the land of chocolate.
[Homer starts daydreaming about living in a world of chocolate until Hans' voice jolts him out of it]
Hans : Mr Simpson? Mr Simpson?
Homer : Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate.
Horst : [irritably] That was ten minutes ago.
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Moe : You know, they say there's someone for everybody
[on the other side of the World, Moe's Soulmate hangs herself]
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Moe : I am so Not British! Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!
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Captain McCallister : I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns : We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister : Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
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Chief Wiggum : Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!
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Captain McCallister : All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!
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Professor Frink : According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is... LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing!
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Superintendent Chalmers : [tractored from behind by Bart] I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway!
Principal Skinner : Holloway? But he's a drunk!
Superintendent Chalmers : And a pill-popper! And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?
Lunchlady Doris : I get two paychecks this way.
Superintendent Chalmers : D'oh.
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Moe : Like my Uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot.
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Chief Wiggum : Book 'em, Lou! One Count of Being a Bear, and one Count of Being an Accessory to Being a Bear.
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Moe : [Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.
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Captain McCallister : You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?
Bart : I don't do that anymore. I am no healer.
Captain McCallister : Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression.
[wanders away]
Bart : And I thought he had it all.
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Superintendent Chalmers : I do not belong here! I am not bald, I am balding! Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?
Principal Skinner : I respect the Ding, Sir!
Superintendent Chalmers : What in God's name are you talking about?
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Homer : [Pinchy is nipped by a crab] Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?
Captain McCallister : Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.
Marge : Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!
Captain McCallister : Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.
Marge : No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Captain McCallister : Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?
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Moe : How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?
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Moe : My Doctor says it's best that I don't sleep.
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Carl : To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff!
Moe : Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it!
Lenny : To Nothing!
[Clink]
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Marge : [Blind date] Please, don't be a freak.
Captain McCallister : [singing in the dark] Met her on the Mountain! There I took her life! Met her on the Mountain! Stabbed her with my Knife!
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Chief Wiggum : Esquilax!
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Professor Frink : I was trying to spare the child's feelings you insensitive clod.
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Moe : [playing the lead of his own spinoff] I'm so desperately lonely.
[the studio audience erupts into laughter]
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Moe : William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe joke that would really make you think.
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Chief Wiggum : Why are the pretty ones always insane?
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Moe : My only friends are the Ghosts that came with this Bar.
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Professor Frink : I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed!
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Moe : You know, Babar the Elephant married his cousin. That was my take-home, anyway.
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Chief Wiggum : Hold it right there, Switches of East Face!
Lou : Switches of East Face?
Chief Wiggum : I don't want to censor myself. That's how Creativity dies.
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Hitchhiker : [a tad slurred] Well, I didn't really think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they needed the extra bed...
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Chief Wiggum : Play ball! I got pictures of you, Quimby!
Mayor Quimby : You don't scare me, that could be anybody's ass!
