Seinfeld (1989–1998)
Michael Richards: Cosmo Kramer, Kramer
Photos
Quotes
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Cosmo Kramer : You're wasting your life.
George Costanza : I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer : OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : You got money?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have a woman?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza : Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza : I like to get the Daily News.
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
George Costanza : That's unbelievable!
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George Costanza : You ran?
Cosmo Kramer : No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it!"
George Costanza : Holy cow!
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy."
Cosmo Kramer : [Kramer throws two punches and an uppercut] Knocked him out cold!
George Costanza : How could you do that?
Cosmo Kramer : Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry : Wow.
George Costanza : You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry : You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, people kept ringing the bell!
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George Costanza : The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry : Mammal.
George Costanza : Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza : Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer : What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer : Hole in one, huh?
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Cosmo Kramer : Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
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Cosmo Kramer : [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!
Elaine : What?
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.
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Cosmo Kramer : [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza : [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer : No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza : [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
[falls down]
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, no problem.
[hangs up phone]
Cosmo Kramer : How did you know who that was?
Jerry : [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
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Jerry : So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now?
Cosmo Kramer : It's a write-off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry : You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer : But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.
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George Costanza : So, did you get your new plates?
Cosmo Kramer : Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George Costanza : What do they say?
Cosmo Kramer : Assman.
Jerry : Assman?
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry : Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George Costanza : Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry : It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry : Yeah. Proctologist.
George Costanza : Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Cosmo Kramer : Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry : Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer : Not as many as there used to be.
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Cosmo Kramer : They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry : Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer : Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
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Cosmo Kramer : No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza : How good of a look did you get?
Jerry : What do you mean?
George Costanza : Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry : They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
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Frank Costanza : Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.
Cosmo Kramer : What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza : It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.
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Jerry : Ah, you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer : Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry : It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer : Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry : It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer : Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry : All right, that's enough.
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Jerry : [Kramer enters] Hey, Jughead.
Cosmo Kramer : Hi, Archie.
[to Elaine]
Cosmo Kramer : Veronica.
[to George]
Cosmo Kramer : Mr. Weatherbee.
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".
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Cosmo Kramer : Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry : People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
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[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]
Cosmo Kramer : You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza : The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer : You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza : How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer : Be realistic George.
[scoffs]
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Cosmo Kramer : I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
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[in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry : Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Cosmo Kramer : What?
Jerry : George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this.
Cosmo Kramer : You're just mad because you're having a bad day.
Jerry : Yes. Because of you.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, in that case I think one of us should leave.
[Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]
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Jerry : Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car?
Cosmo Kramer : [without hesitating] Sure.
Jerry : Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?
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Cosmo Kramer : You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU.
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[discussing George's ATM code]
Jerry : Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza : I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer : I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza : Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza : Huh?
Cosmo Kramer : You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza : Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza : I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer : [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza : I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer : If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza : Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer : Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza : Shut up!
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[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone]
Security guard : Can I help you?
Cosmo Kramer : [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.
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Jerry : Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Cosmo Kramer : It's not illegal.
Jerry : It's against the law.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, yeah...
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Jerry : Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing.
Cosmo Kramer : Well don't look at me.
Jerry : It's your fault.
Cosmo Kramer : My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
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Cosmo Kramer : You'll be the world's first pirate!
Jerry : But I don't wanna be a pirate!
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Cosmo Kramer : Yo Yo Ma.
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine : That seems about right.
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[Kramer's face is haggard from smoking]
Jerry : It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry : And your teeth... they're all brown.
Cosmo Kramer : Look away. I'm hideous.
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[about Elaine dating Puddy]
Cosmo Kramer : She's dating him again?
Jerry : She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
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George Costanza : I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.
Jerry : It's routine surgery.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going
[high-pitched voice]
Cosmo Kramer : "My name is Bob!"
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Cosmo Kramer : It's a Festivus miracle.
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Jerry : [Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp] I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry : Why?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, there was an incident.
Jerry : What happened?
Cosmo Kramer : I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
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[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer : God... it's like a sauna in here.
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Cosmo Kramer : What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry : It's your third day.
Cosmo Kramer : I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later.
[Walks out]
Jerry : [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.
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Cosmo Kramer : Hoochie Mama.
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Jerry : Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people?
Cosmo Kramer : They want to know how come they never see you.
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Cosmo Kramer : I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry : She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
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[Kramer walks in with cigars]
Cosmo Kramer : Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza : Why?
Cosmo Kramer : You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry : Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza : How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer : You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry : Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry : That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer : I'm officially retired.
Jerry : From what?
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Cosmo Kramer : [toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.
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[after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian]
Jerry : She has never been with a man in her entire life.
Cosmo Kramer : ...I'm Kramer.
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Cosmo Kramer : Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.
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Cosmo Kramer : I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George Costanza : He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine : What does that mean?
George Costanza : Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
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Cosmo Kramer : If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
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George Costanza : You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer : [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
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Cosmo Kramer : ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.
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Cosmo Kramer : You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
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[George is munching on pretzels from a bag]
Cosmo Kramer : [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?
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Cosmo Kramer : That's a lotta potatoes.
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Cosmo Kramer : You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry : I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, you got insurance, right?
Jerry : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, why not?
Jerry : Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door...
[closes door]
Jerry : MUST BE CLOSED.
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Cosmo Kramer : Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza : Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer : [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza : [looks at Kramer] What?
[both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry : I'm too tired.
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Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry : Because you're *not* a dermatologist.
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Jerry : I'm not wearing the fur coat.
Cosmo Kramer : Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building.
Jerry : Hmm...
Cosmo Kramer : Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around.
Jerry : [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too?
Cosmo Kramer : Come on.
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[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages]
Jerry : What's this? You said you were watching a video.
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
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Cosmo Kramer : I bought a chicken.
George Costanza : [to Jerry] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
George Costanza : Why?
Cosmo Kramer : Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry : [to George] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
Jerry : What are you, an idiot?
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[Kramer covers himself in butter]
Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, I'm fried.
Jerry : Technically, you're sautéed.
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George Costanza : Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?
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Cosmo Kramer : [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.
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Cosmo Kramer : You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry : Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer : You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry : Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer : All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry : I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer : Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry : From what?
Cosmo Kramer : The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry : We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer : All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
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[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment]
Jerry : Why don't you watch it at your place?
Cosmo Kramer : I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
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Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry : Is she?
Cosmo Kramer : Oh you better believe it buddy.
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry : Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Cosmo Kramer : [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.
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Newman : [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go.
Cosmo Kramer : Hey, where's he going?
Newman : I think he's stealing our rickshaw.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh then he's out.
Homeless Man : I'll take the job.
[pause]
Homeless Man : Potato salad!
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[George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor]
Cosmo Kramer : The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.
George Costanza : How do you know?
Cosmo Kramer : It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.
George Costanza : 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.
Cosmo Kramer : There were 1,560 survivors.
George Costanza : That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?
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Jerry : Why are you buttering your face?
Cosmo Kramer : I'm shaving with it.
Jerry : Oh Moses, smell the roses.
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[Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour]
George Costanza : I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Cosmo Kramer : Talk to me.
George Costanza : But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Cosmo Kramer : [to Jerry] Understand?
Jerry : Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
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Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry : I could ballpark...
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[Kramer has an intern]
Intern : Mr. Newman on line 2...
Jerry : Line 2?
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, your phone is line 1.
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[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]
George Costanza : Did you get the video camera?
Jerry : Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer : You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry : That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, well, she had one too.
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Cosmo Kramer : Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag.
[cut to a taxi]
David Puddy : Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine : We have to break up.
David Puddy : What?
Elaine : Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again,
[shouts]
Elaine : YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.
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Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.
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[Jerry is dating a gymnast]
Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry : Boy, you can really talk some trash.
[to George]
Jerry : I guess that's better than eating it.
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Jerry : Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.
Jerry : Who?
Cosmo Kramer : Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.
Jerry : Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.
Cosmo Kramer : Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry : Well, you picked out a rooster.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
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Cosmo Kramer : Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch
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Cosmo Kramer : The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
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Cosmo Kramer : Is this oak?
Mr. Lager : Think it's pine.
Cosmo Kramer : Pine is good.
Mr. Lager : Yeah, pine's okay.
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Cosmo Kramer : Keith Hernandez!
Newman : Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!
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Cosmo Kramer : Congradulations!
Some woman : What for?
Cosmo Kramer : You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?
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Cosmo Kramer : Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen.
Jerry : No your not.
Cosmo Kramer : Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
Jerry : No he doesn't.
Newman : He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss.
Jerry : Yes it can.
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Elaine : Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid?
Cosmo Kramer : Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
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Cosmo Kramer : [being attacked by a man throwing golf clubs while talking to Jerry and Elaine on a cell phone] I think he's done guys.
[looks ahead at the driver infront of him]
Cosmo Kramer : No he's not! He's throwing the WOODS!
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Jerry : Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!
Cosmo Kramer : Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.
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[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction]
Elaine : Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate.
Cosmo Kramer : Equivalency.
Elaine : Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut.
[Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below]
Elaine : Do I hear... five bucks?
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Newman : [Newman is sneaking through Jerry's apartment trying to cheat at Kramer's and his "Risk" game when he knocks over some of Jerry's cassette tapes] Damn!
Cosmo Kramer : It's Newman! Quick open the door!
Jerry : [when Newman escapes from the window and up the stairs to his apartment] I see ya Newman, I see ya!
Cosmo Kramer : I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
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Cosmo Kramer : [Kramer is describing George's hands] Smooth... Creamy... Delicate, yet... Masculine...!
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Jerry : This woman's completely ignoring me.
Cosmo Kramer : Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster... Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer.
Jerry : Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.
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Cosmo Kramer : Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance.
Pam : That is so true.
Cosmo Kramer : Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
Newman : [whispering] ... shell.
Cosmo Kramer : Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell.
Pam : Kramer, that is so lovely.
Cosmo Kramer : It's by an unknown 20th century poet.
Pam : Oh? What's his name?
Cosmo Kramer : Newman.
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Cosmo Kramer : [open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam!
Jerry : [who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no!
George Costanza : No! No!
Jerry : No steam!
Cosmo Kramer : Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!
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Dean Jones : Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Cosmo Kramer : It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones : As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!
Cosmo Kramer : And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!
Dean Jones : I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones : Your fly's open.
-
[Kramer is watching Jeopardy! and getting every question right]
Cosmo Kramer : Who is Joseph Cotton! Giddy-up!
Cosmo Kramer : What is pie! Oooh! Giddy-up again!
Cosmo Kramer : What is the Cha-Cha! Yes, indeed!
-
[driving in heavy traffic]
Cosmo Kramer : Well, go around, you buncha crazies! You maniacs are gonna get us all killed!
-
Cosmo Kramer : Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!
-
Jerry : [as Kramer is miming emotions] Well, what does this mean?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry.
-
Cosmo Kramer : I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.
-
Jerry : The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza : What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer : It's pronounced thermometer.
-
Cosmo Kramer : I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza : Stink eye?
Jerry : Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer : EVIL eye.
-
Jerry : Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea.
Cosmo Kramer : Giddyup.
Jerry : Now, get out.
-
Jerry : I prefer to do my own material.
Cosmo Kramer : That's as good as anything you do.
-
Cosmo Kramer : See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry : And a deadbolt.
-
George Costanza : [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction.
[pulls out a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer : Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
-
Cosmo Kramer : You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza : What's that?
Cosmo Kramer : People who glitter.
-
Jerry : So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
Cosmo Kramer : It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
-
Cosmo Kramer : You know, they botched my vasectomy?
Jerry : They botched it?
Cosmo Kramer : I'm even more potent now.
-
Cosmo Kramer : See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.
-
[about Festivus]
Cosmo Kramer : What do you use for decoration?
Frank Costanza : An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.
-
[Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo]
Jerry : What the hell is that crap?
Cosmo Kramer : It's Pagliacci, Jerry.
-
Cosmo Kramer : I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.
Elaine : I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, I guess I was.
Elaine : What were you going to wear home?
Cosmo Kramer : Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.
-
[Kramer is putting butter on his face]
Jerry : What the hell are you doing?
Cosmo Kramer : I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?
-
[about George's Gortex coat]
Cosmo Kramer : You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!
-
Elaine : Well, you know, I... I have watched Peterman run the company.
Cosmo Kramer : Sure you have.
Elaine : I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
-
Mr. Lager : Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?
Cosmo Kramer : I'll take it.
Mr. Lager : Awright, sir
-
Cosmo Kramer : [on hearing that Susan Ross has died] Poor Lily.
-
Cosmo Kramer : I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry : Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.
-
Cosmo Kramer : [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?
Elaine : Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah.
Elaine : That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!
-
Cosmo Kramer : The cat - mmrrrooowwwrr - is out of the bag!
