Problem Child 2 (1991)
Michael Oliver: Junior Healy
Photos
Quotes
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[after Junior shows the town a video of his babysitter and her boyfriend having sex]
Ben Healey : Junior, we're new here! Can't we at least attempt to fit in?
Junior Healey : What are you getting onto me for? I didn't do anything. I just watched it.
Ben Healey : Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior Healey : I didn't hear any complaints.
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Junior : Ahh, finally I get some room in here.
'Big' Ben Healy : You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.
Junior : Ah, shut your trap.
'Big' Ben Healy : You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.
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Voytek : [picks up phone] Hello?
Junior : Are you the guy that married Debbie Claukinski?
Voytek : [sobbing] Yes. She took my house, my money and my pride.
Junior : Well, I thought you'd like to know, she found herself a new guy, and their out at the St. Pierre club, having fun at your expense.
Voytek : Who is this?
Junior : Just call me... a friend.
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Mr. Thorn : [Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely] Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?
[Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]
Mr. Thorn : Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!
[Junior sits down at his desk]
Mr. Thorn : Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?
Polly : 136.
[Bows rather smart and sits back down]
Mr. Thorn : Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?
Richard : -8, sir.
[sits back down]
Mr. Thorn : Fine. Murph!
[cut to Murph picking his nose]
Mr. Thorn : Murph! What's 3 plus 2?
Murph : Mmmmm... 4.
[Everyone laughs]
Mr. Thorn : [sighs] Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?
Murph : 9?
[Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]
Mr. Thorn : I can see this is going to be a long year.
Junior : [angrily] 5, all right? The answer is 5!
Mr. Thorn : You!
[walks over to Junior's desk]
Mr. Thorn : What're you saying?
Junior : Uh, I said 5.
Mr. Thorn : Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.
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Ben Healey : Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
Junior Healy : I'm sure I'll take a few others down with me.
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Junior : [thinking in his head] The bitch... must die!
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Junior : But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.
Mr. Peabody : Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.
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[seeing his made-over bedroom]
Junior : Clowns! I hate clowns! This woman is busting my balls!
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Junior : [thinking in his head] This babysitter sucks!
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[from the TV version]
Junior : Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots!
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[from the TV version]
Junior : I'd rather jump off a cliff.
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Junior : [thinking] I know I told dad *I* wouldn't hurt Lawanda, but I never said the dog couldn't.
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[Problem Child 2 is edit for TV broadcast on NBC]
Junior : Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots.
Aron Burger : Well, excuse me, Your Highness. I didn't realize that simple little me and my simple little family weren't good enough for your high and mighty tastes. Hey, maybe I should go and slip on my silk tuxedo and then we can trot out the champagne and the escargots.
Ben Healy : Junior. Try to be polite. We're his guests.
Junior : OK, Dad.
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[Problem Child 2 edit for TV on NBC with the best modified version. The first day at Mortville school in fall]
Ben Healy : Junior, now you get out of this car. You are going to school!
Junior : I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Ben Healy : Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
Junior : I'll take a couple others down with me.
Ben Healy : Junior, I am your father and you'll do as I say! Now, come on.
[Ben ripped the front seat off the car and help Junior get out. Ben wins]
Junior : Now look what you've done.
Ben Healy : Get over here.
[Give this a slip to Junior]
Ben Healy : Take this. Goodbye and good luck.
[Now he's head off to the first day at school]
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Murph : [Edit with modified version. Murph meets his new classmate] Who let the baby into the sixth grade? What's in your bag? Your diapers?
Junior : No, my lunch, you pin-head.
[Students stand back]
Murph : Little kid doesn't know who he's talking to. I'm senior student in this school.
Junior : Well, duh. You've been here since 1970.
Junior : Oh, you're gonna hurt!
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'Big' Ben Healy : [Here on TV is Big Ben] That's why you want a franchise. Big Ben is the fastest-growing sports equipment empire.
Junior : Hey, it's Big Ben.
'Big' Ben Healy : [On TV] Pick up that phone and call now. For just $399, you can get one of my starter kits. Then you'll be on your way to having it all, just like me, Big Ben Healy.
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Junior : Now, where is that surprise?
Ben Healy : Surprise!
Rhoda : Hi, Junior! I'm Rhoda, your babysitter. We're gonna be good friends.
Junior : Dad, let's slow this down a minute. Now, what is going on here?
Ben Healy : This is Rhoda, your babysitter. You're gonna be good friends.
Junior : Yeah, I heard that part. But why?
Debbie Claukinski : Yoo-hoo!
Ben Healy : Because I'm going out on a date.
Debbie Claukinski : Hi, Ben.
Ben Healy : Hi.
Debbie Claukinski : I'm all ready.
Ben Healy : Great. Junior, you remember Debbie Claukinski?
Junior : How can I forget? Her pie gave us the rash!
Ben Healy : That's - That's not true.
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[Junior is confronting Trixie in the girls' bathroom]
Trixie : You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
Junior : [sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by the Ty-D-Bowl Girl.
[places his hands on his hips]
Junior : Now, why have you been bugging me?
Trixie : [rudely pushes Junior back] I'll bug whoever I want. This is my school.
Junior : Says who?
Trixie : Me and my M-80.
[whips out an M-80, lights it and hands it to Junior]
Junior : Whoa! Whooa!
Trixie : Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Junior : You're insane!
[flings the M-80 into the toilet and flushes it]
Junior : Let's get outta here!
[Junior and Trixie flee the bathroom, screaming. Mr. Thorn frantically runs through the hallway with his newspaper, in a rush to get to the bathroom, not knowing that the M-80 is traveling through the pipes]
Mr. Thorn : [hurries into the bathroom and pushes by another man] Out of my way! I can't hold this one until recess.
[picks the first working stall, drops his pants, sits on the toilet, and sighs in relief]
Mr. Thorn : This is gonna feel so good.
[grabs his newspaper. The M-80 explodes directly under the toilet he is using, blasting him out of his shoes, and shooting toilet water everywhere]
Mr. Thorn : Ahhhhhh...
-
Ben Healy : Junior, you failed me!
Junior : But, Dad, I swear, she hates me!
Ben Healy : We had a deal and you let me down!
Junior : She's different from all the others! Lawanda is bad!
Ben Healy : Junior, you think all woman are bad! That poor woman has done nothing, but good intentions! She made us dinner tonight, and this is how you pay her? I am really disappointed in you. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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Ben Healy : Junior, why do you do these things to me? I thought we moved here to start over. People told me that you were a problem child, I said they were wrong. I said you just needed a chance to succeed. We don't have a normal life, especially me. I can't even go out on a date without something terrible happening.
Junior : Well, maybe you shouldn't go out.
Ben Healy : Junior, just because I interact with another human being doesn't mean that I love you any less. Can't you see that?
Junior : Well, I suppose.
Ben Healy : Suppose? All right, that's a start. That's what we can build on that. I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal. I promise you that I'll always be there for you, but you've gotta promise me that you're going to be good from now on.
Junior : Okay, I promise.
Ben Healy : See? That was a little too fast, "Okay, I promise." You got to think about it. It's not just an empty promise. This is a pact between you and me to regain some of the trust we used to have, okay? So, what do you say? Are you gonna improve so that I can be right when I brag about you to all my friends and tell them that I got the greatest kid there ever was?
Junior : Sure. I'll be better.
Ben Healy : Thataboy.
