Stay Tuned (1992)

Jeffrey Jones: Spike

Photos 

Quotes 

• Spike : Set phasers to... Torture!

• Spike : Wait a sec... you don't get it, do you? Without me, you don't get out of here.

  Roy Knable : Sorry, Spike, you're cancelled!

• Spike : Ew, you're the ugliest bitch in perdition - but you've given me a beautiful idea.

• Spike : Screw up in here, and you're dead meat... dead meat.

• [Spike arrives on the set of Off With His Head and notices that Crowley was missing one of his arms and one of his legs] 

  Spike : Crowley. Quite a radical weight-loss plan you've been on.

• [Roy Knable arrives inside a castle] 

  Spike : My, my. Now you'll never get back to Kansas.

  [Roy looks behind him and sees that his remote is shattered into pieces] 

  Spike : [raising his sword]  En garde.

  [Roy gets a wooden stick] 

  Spike : Oh, no sword. Have to talk to that prop man.

  [breaks the stick] 

  Spike : Right about now, your wife is probably catching that train... right between the eyes. And you let it happen.

  Darryl Knable : [hurling one of Roy's swords towards the HVTV dish]  Here it comes, Dad!

  [the sword gets sucked in the dish] 

  Spike : I've taken loads of souls... and none more pathetic than yours, Roy. Say good night, Gracie.

  Roy Knable : [catching his sword tossed by Darryl]  Not yet.

  [he starts dueling with Spike] 

  Roy Knable : You see, I was captain of my junior college fencing team. All right. Co-captain.

• Spike : Fasten your seatbelts, folks! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

• Spike : [on the set of HV One (News)]  This just in... Helen Knable has been kidnapped and taken to Channel 1. We take you there live.

  Helen Knable : [tied to a wagon on railroad tracks]  Roy, I don't know where you are, but get your butt back here!

  Spike : Unfortunately, her gutless failure of a husband won't lift a finger to save her. Isn't that right, Roy?

  Roy Knable : No.

• Helen Knable : You sadistic bastard!

  Spike : Runs in the family! My father was an oil company president.

• [Helen and Roy Knable are sucked into the HVTV dish] 

  Spike : Fasten your seat belts, folks. It's going to be a bumpy ride! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

• [Roy Knable arrives at Channel 1. As he approaches Helen Knable to save her, Spike steps in the way] 

  Spike : [to Roy]  Back to play the hero, huh?

• [Roy Knable and Spike are about to have a showdown] 

  Spike : Make your move, tinhorn.

  [They stare at each other for quite a few seconds] 

  Helen Knable : [still tied to a wagon on railroad tracks and to be hit by a train eventually]  Today, Roy!

• Executioner : [reading the death sentence]  By order of the court...

  Crowley : Looks like Spike's gonna make his quota after all. I'm sorry, Mrs. Knable.

  Executioner : ...I deliver the soul of the Marquis de Knable to it's RIGHTFUL OWNER!

  Spike : Finally, he's mine!

• Spike : [Watching Mrs. Seidelbaum get crushed by a giant lizard]  That's entertainment!

  Crowley : [Applauding]  Oh, he's good. He's so good!

  Pierce : Shocking.

  Crowley : Sir, this is Pierce... our new, uh, intern.

  Spike : Mr. Pierce, if you can't stomach the sight of blood...

  Pierce : It's not the blood I find distressing. It's your lack of subtext.

  Spike : Film school graduate?

  Pierce : Yes, sir! USC. I did my thesis on Kurosawa and Spike Lee.

  Spike : Mr. Pierce, let me educate you about our organization. Here at Hellvision, we've turned the process of soul acquisition into an entertainment extravaganza. And all for the benefit of one very demanding viewer below.

  Crowley : The boss himself. And I don't mean Springsteen!

  Spike : He has an enormous appetite for misfortune. It is our job to supply him with an eclectic offering of light amusements... NOT SUBTEXT!