NYPD Blue (1993–2005)

Dennis Franz: Det. Andy Sipowicz, Sgt. Andy Sipowicz, Andy's Father

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Quotes 

• Det. Connie McDowell : [after Theo walks in on her getting out of the shower]  Did you drop Theo off at school?

  Andy : I dropped him off at Hooters. He insisted.

• Lt. Arthur Fancy : Keep me posted.

  Andy : Any cases you don't want us to keep you posted on? What's the point in saying that?

  Lt. Arthur Fancy : OK, then, get outta my office.

• Russian woman : Marina. Strangled and raped. What is wrong with this country?

  Andy : What's wrong with this country? I'll tell you what's wrong; it's all these foreigners coming over here screwing it up!

  Det. Bobby Simone : Detective Sipowicz here is one of the few Native American Poles.

• Andy : You got a lot of morons in your family? 'Cause that could be genetic.

• Big Rick : [after confessing to a robbery-homicide]  Money from the safe stashed in my apartment, black leather bag under some skin magazines in the corner behind the bed. I want to use that to pay for a lawyer.

  Andy : Don't exactly work that way, Big Rick, but if they try at the trial passing you off as the mastermind, you tell 'em what you just said.

• Katie Sipowicz : I heard something in your voice, Andy, when you called me.

  Andy : I guess what you heard didn't include the words coming out of my mouth.

  Katie Sipowicz : I heard something and I checked my intuition, afterwards by prayer.

  Andy : Katie, this has gotta stop. After God tells you what to do, if I'm involved in the message, you check back with me.

• Andy : [while examining the body of a decapitated man whose head is sitting in his own lap]  You don't often encounter this method of suicide.

• A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal : As it happens, the courts have upheld that a confession can be obtained by ruse or trick, so long as an innocent man wouldn't be deceived.

  Andy : There's a relief.

  A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal : But that doesn't make me any more comfortable with what you've done.

  Andy : What's your name again?

  A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal : Arnold Rosenthal.

  Andy : Yeah, well, Arnold, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll be in touch the second that your comfort becomes important to me.

  A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal : I don't know what Sylvia sees in you.

  Andy : Dickhead.

• Lt. Arthur Fancy : [an overweight woman has demanded to see Sipowicz]  Andy, there's no easy way to say this, but Jeri is having issues with Diane and Jill. She's demanding to see you.

  Andy : That ain't goin' to happen.

  Lt. Arthur Fancy : Diane and Jill think she's painted herself into a corner with manslaughter and it doesn't need to go that way. Anyway, she says either she talks to you or she lawyer's up.

  Andy : That's what she needs to do then. Maybe we don't do enough of that.

  [Looks at Simone] 

  Andy : See, this amuses you because you don't attract psychotics.

  Det. Bobby Simone : No, it doesn't. Well, yeah, it is amusing; but this could be real serious.

• [Cohen is trying to get back together with Kirkendall] 

  Andy : OK, here's your chance, but if you get belligerent with her again, everyone is this squad will take it very personal.

  ADA Leo Cohen : I understand.

  Andy : If you don't understand now, you will about two seconds after you do it.

• Andy : Romeo's a rage-a-holic, which means he's often pissed off, unlike the vast majority of us gliding along devil-may-care.

• Det. Bobby Simone : We got the weapon from your apartment there, Rick.

  Andy : Always a right move tossing the piece, Rick, though at the time it may seem wasteful.

• Det. John Kelly : How's the drying out going?

  Andy : Helps when the first week's unconscious. Now I go two, three minutes where booze never crosses my mind.

• ADA Sylvia Costas : [Andy and Sylvia are having to adjust to the new baby]  Andy, do you remember having sex?

  Andy : Aren't you afraid we'll wake up the baby?

  ADA Sylvia Costas : Well, you'll just have to hold off on doing your Tarzan yell and beating your chest.

  Andy : Yeah, I guess I could not do that this time.

• Det. Bobby Simone : What happened, Vince?

  Det. Vince Gotelli : Two guys came in the bar, ordered a drink, then pulled their guns and held up the place. Then all of a sudden they started shooting. I pulled my piece and shot back. I think I hit one, but then I went down.

  Det. Bobby Simone : But you weren't hit, were you?

  Det. Vince Gotelli : No, chest pains. One of the guys left holding his shoulder. I wonder why I got chest pains at that moment?

  Andy : Might be a sign from God to stay out of these titty bars, Vince.

• Andy : [Sylvia has surprised Andy by getting in the shower with him]  Uh, Sylvia; you know I usually wash that part of my body down there myself.

  ADA Sylvia Costas : Would you like me to stop?

  Andy : Um, no. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of cleaning it.

• Det. Danny Sorenson : What's wrong with John babysitting?

  Andy : He's gay, that's what's wrong with it.

  Det. Danny Sorenson : I mean, c'mon, Andy, how long you known him?

  Andy : A long time, and he's been gay every day of it.

• Det. Bobby Simone : How you been feeling, Vince?

  Det. Vince Gotelli : I told you. I have generalized coronary artery disease, abnormal in the thallium stress test, and now I'm having difficult urinating.

  Andy : Coronary system failing, urinary system failing. Now he's at the stage, you ask him how he's feeling, he tells you.

• Andy : She make any derogatory references?

  Lt. Arthur Fancy : She said you were old and bald.

  Andy : Old?

  Det. Danny Sorenson : Bald?

• Andy : How many times you want to get hit?

  Ted : You know, the last time you hit me I jumped up and sat on my own testicle.

• Ted : [Indicating discomfort about the hidden mike taped to his crotch]  This is uncomfortable.

  Andy : The alternative location is up your ass.

  Ted : Alllll right. Let me learn to live with this.

• Dr. Wentzel : You think you're a psychiatrist?

  Andy : No, I'm a Polack detective, knows you get away with murder, you leave the crime scene and you go about your life. It's you, you intelligent types, you always got to provide an alternate suspect.

• Ronald : Why are you so viciously callous?

  Andy : It's how I deal with my continuous grief.

• Andy : That was positive, wasn't it? "Our pleasure"?

  Det. John Kelly : Fair.

  Andy : What should I have said? "Our pleasure, rooty-toot-toot"?

• Andy : What's open?

  John Irvin : Not the coffee room.

  Andy : Why 'not the coffee room'?

  John Irvin : Lt. Fancy and Lt. Abner are in there with the door closed. They are having a frank discussion.

  Det. Diane Russell : A very, frank, discussion.

  Andy : [to Jones]  Don't go in there unless you hear glass breaking.

• [Sipowicz is returning Bale's credit card that was found on a gay hustler] 

  Andy : Listen, when we were tossing this guy's apartment, I found this. Thought you might want it back. Got to figure, a guy like this is probably dealing in stolen credit cards from all over

  [walks out as Bale looks stunned] 

• Lt. Thomas Bale : [about the credit card]  Detective; you know something about me and I want to know what you intend to do about it.

  Andy : Lieutenant, all I know is I found your credit card and returned it to you. That's all I know and all I want to know. 'Night, boss.

  Lt. Thomas Bale : Thank you, Detective.

• Det. Baldwin Jones : [Sipowicz shows up at a crime scene]  Hey, Andy, what are you doing here? I thought when Bale's shooting was solved, you were going back to uniform.

  Det. Rita Ortiz : [looks at Sipowicz and smiles]  Go ahead, tell them.

  Andy : They gave me the squad. Chief of D's told me last night at Medavoy's racket.

  Det. John Clark, Jr. : Really? Why didn't you tell anybody?

  Andy : I didn't want to distract from Medavoy's night. Anyway, it went out this morning.

  Det. John Clark, Jr. : Well, I don't know that I can work for you.

  Det. Laura Murphy : [smiling]  I don't know if any of us can.

  Andy : [going along with the joke]  That's OK. I was planning on bringing in my own people anyways.

• Dr. Talbot : He needs to be tranquillized.

  Andy : You pull a tranquillizer gun on me and the safari stops at the dentist! He's got the wrong elephant.

• [Jones and Sipowicz are questioning a suspect] 

  Elmo : Man, I can't go to no jail! What am I going to do about my bar?

  Andy : Padlock it, Elmo, and reopen in three to five.

  Elmo : Three to five days?

  Det. Baldwin Jones : Check out Elmo; Mr. Positive Thinking.

  Andy : That's three to five *years*, nitwit.

• Andy : [making an announcement at the end of the shift]  Could I have everybody's attention! Connie and Me are taking Theo to Disney World. Anybody's got anything to say about it; speak up now.

  Lt. Tony Rodriguez : So, uh, have a wonderful time.

• [an older woman is coming on to Sorenson] 

  Andy : You know, sad thing is, back when I was drinking, many's the night I'd have thrown a hump into that.

• Andy : We're going to check out the other building this wacko manages.

  [to Jones] 

  Andy : You might want to talk to this guy; he's carrying on about black demons and voices.

  Det. Baldwin Jones : What, do you want me to go in there with my tribal outfit on?

  [Disgusted, Sipowicz leaves] 

  Det. Baldwin Jones : [to Fancy]  Do you want me to go in there?

  Lt. Arthur Fancy : Well, do you have a tribal outfit?

• Lt. Thomas Bale : [the squad is fed up with the controlling behavior of Lt. Bale]  I expect to be kept informed of everything that is going on in this squad at all times.

  Andy : I'm planning to take a crap later. Would you like to be kept informed about that?

• Lt. Thomas Bale : Sipowicz, I heard from a friend of mine that oversees the sergeant's exam. You passed.

  Andy : I did?

  Lt. Thomas Bale : Just thought you might want to know ahead of time, before it becomes public. Congratulations. So, you ready to become a boss?

  Andy : [Slightly stunned]  I guess I'll find out.

• [Sipowicz is supervising his first crime scene as a uniform sergeant] 

  Det. John Clark, Jr. : All right, all right, step aside, homicide detectives comin' through.

  [shows his shield to Sipowicz] 

  Andy : How long you been waitin' to say that?

  Det. John Clark, Jr. : [laughing]  Every day since you were promoted.

• Andy : [Murphy and Ortiz are watching Sipowicz reprimand a uniformed officer]  Hey! Get that damn car out of here! You're blocking the ambulance. What do you think you're doing?

  Det. Laura Murphy : [shaking her head and smiling]  Sergeant Sipowicz.

• Det. Bobby Simone : You were pushing it, now you're under arrest. You're a collar, you understand that?

  Richard Manzak : You guys are fags, right? You're fags from some women's group.

  Andy : That don't make us bad people.

• Andy : [Sipowicz suspects Russell is drunk on a bar stakeout]  What the Hell are you doing?

  Det. Diane Russell : Acting like a slut. Isn't that what the boss wants?

  Det. Greg Medavoy : [Medavoy has found out Lesniak is gay]  But, but you had a boyfriend!

  Det. Adrianne Lesniak : And now I have a girlfriend, okay?

• Andy : [Rodriguez has announced he is leaving]  If this is about Ortiz, deal with it. But if you're leaving because you're pissed off about the outcome of the trial, stay and fight ot! Leaving is a punk move and you know it!

  Lt. Tony Rodriguez : Ortiz is none of your business; and I've never punked out on anything in my life.

• Andy : [to his AA? sponsor, whose son keeps beating him up]  "Regret for the past is a waste of spirit." You told me that, remember?

• Det. Baldwin Jones : I find out you been lyin' to us, I'll personally come back down here and beat your ass.

  Elmo : [to Sipowicz]  You goin' to let him talk to me like that?

  Andy : Well, you know how some guys are. We've been tryin' to get him in an aggression management class.

• Andy : [looking at Simone]  "Protude the point for me..."

  Andy : [Simone uses his middle finger to get the pen point out]  "I keep sticking myself in the eye."