Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

Woody Allen: Larry Lipton

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Quotes 

• Larry Lipton : I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

• Larry Lipton : Claustrophobia and a dead body - this is a neurotic's jackpot!

• Hotel night clerk : You are with police?

  Larry Lipton : Yes, I'm a detective. They lowered the height requirement.

• [Hands Hotel Day Clerk a one-dollar tip] 

  Larry Lipton : What are you making a face for? He's the father of our country.

• Larry Lipton : [to Carol]  Save a little craziness for menopause!

• Carol Lipton : Larry, I think she's dead!

  Larry Lipton : Try giving her the present.

• [last lines] 

  Carol Lipton : You were jealous of Ted.

  Larry Lipton : Ted, you've gotta be kidding, take away his elevator shoes and his fake suntan and his capped teeth and what do you have?

  Carol Lipton : You!

  Larry Lipton : Right, I like that!

• Larry Lipton : Meanwhile, I can't get that Flying Dutchman theme out of my head. Remind me tomorrow to buy up all the Wagner records in town and rent a chainsaw.

• Larry Lipton : I forbid. I forbid you to go. I'm forbidding!... Is that what you do when I'm forbidding?

• Larry Lipton : I think it's a reasonable assumption that if you're dead you don't suddenly turn up in the New York City Transit System.

• Carol Lipton : I don't understand why you're not more fascinated with this! I mean, we could be living next door to a murderer, Larry.

  Larry Lipton : Well, New York is a melting pot! I'm used to it!

• Larry Lipton : You're suggesting we try to provoke him into murdering us?

  Marcia Fox : You have a problem with that?

  Larry Lipton : Well, either that, or I suddenly developed Parkinson's.

• Lillian House : Exercising changed my life.

  Larry Lipton : I prefer to atrophy.

• Larry Lipton : I was in a deep sleep - I was dreaming of round card girls.

• Larry Lipton : I'm a world renowned claustrophobic.

• Larry Lipton : Ted sees himself as Rick in Casablanca; I see him more as Peter Lorre.

• Carol Lipton : Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted. She's too mousey.

  Larry Lipton : Well, he's a little mousey. They could have their little rodent time together, they could eat cheese together...

• Carol Lipton : Well, listen, I think maybe I will go back to seeing my shrink, I think, I think I...

  Larry Lipton : You don't have to see your shrink, there's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.

• Larry Lipton : Oh, God. I can't wait to get into bed and stretch out. You know, there's a Bob Hope movie on television later.

  Carol Lipton : I know. Do you believe this guy in Indiana? He killed twelve victims, dismembered them, and ate them.

  Larry Lipton : Really? Well, it's an alternative lifestyle.

• Arthur Bannister : [on the movie screen, "The Lady from Shanghai" is playing]  I'm aiming at you, lover.

  Mrs. Dalton : I'm aiming at you, lover.

  Arthur Bannister : Of course, killing you is killing myself.

  Mrs. Dalton : Of course, killing you is killing myself.

  Arthur Bannister : But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.

  Mrs. Dalton : But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.

  [On the screen, Arthur and Elsa shoot at each other, breaking mirrors; in the theatre, Mrs. Dalton and Mr. House shoot at each other, breaking mirrors and finally killing Mr. House] 

  Larry Lipton : I'll never say that life doesn't imitate art again.

• Larry Lipton : Yes, of course you woke us - not everyone is up at 1 AM watching the porn channel.

• Larry Lipton : My life is passing before my eyes. The worst part about it is that I'm driving a used car.

• Carol Lipton : Larry, I think it's time we reevaluated our lives.

  Larry Lipton : I've reevaluated our lives; I got a 10, you got a 6.

• Larry Lipton : Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell if I put in too much hot fudge.

• Larry Lipton : New York is the city that never sleeps! That's why we don't live in Duluth. That, plus I don't even know where Duluth is. Lucky me.

• Larry Lipton : My favorite thing in life is, you know, to look at cancelled postage.

• Larry Lipton : Jesus, couldn't you keep the conversation going a little longer in there? I was signaling you frantically.

  Carol Lipton : I was just trying to be neighborly.

  Larry Lipton : Neighborly? If this guy showed me his stamp collection one more time - my favorite thing in life is to, you know, look at cancelled postage.

• Larry Lipton : Don't do this! We should be asleep now in one of our many cuddling positions!

• Carol Lipton : Look at you, you're all white.

  Larry Lipton : All the blood rushed to my brother!

• Larry Lipton : This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps.

  Ted : I can see that, depending on who's picture is on the stamp.

• Larry Lipton : C'mon, more, more! Adrenalin is leaking out of my ears!

• Larry Lipton : How could you see her? She's dead. Not only is she dead, she's been cremated. It's not even Halloween.

• Larry Lipton : This book makes "Finnegans Wake" look like airplane reading.

• Carol Lipton : I mean, we've got nothing in common, that's for sure. Now that, now that Nick's grown up, I mean, you know, we're just left facing each other.

  Larry Lipton : You got stuff in common with Ted, right? You can cook together with Ted, or you can take your clothes off and baste a chicken with him.

  Carol Lipton : Oh, right. Oh, oh, well, what about you and Marcia, huh? What does she teach you besides poker? That's what I'd like to know, okay?

  Larry Lipton : Mud wrestling. Is that what you want to hear? Nothing, I'm her editor.

• Paul House : Well, what do you buy a woman who has everything?

  Lillian House : We already own twin cemetery plots.

  Larry Lipton : I always think a Bentley is in good taste. Or, you could go the route I did and buy her a set of handkerchiefs.

  Carol Lipton : Well, they were very nice though, and they had my initials.

  Larry Lipton : Yeah, and I didn't even know her size.

• Larry Lipton : Very nice. I love a hotel that's got lots of blue powder sprinkled along the baseboards.

• Larry Lipton : I was thinking of fixing Ted up with Helen Dubin, but then I figured they would just, you know, get into an argument over penis envy or something. The poor guy suffers from it so.

• Larry Lipton : Ted has a mind like a steel sieve.

• Carol Lipton : You know I've never seen a dead body before.

  Larry Lipton : I have. My uncle Morris, 93 years old. He collapsed from too many lumps in his cereal.

• Carol Lipton : Larry, he had her cremated.

  Larry Lipton : How do you know it was her? Did the ashes resemble Mrs. House?

• Carol Lipton : A bus. It passed me and she was on it.

  Larry Lipton : The dead woman passed you on the bus? Which bus was this? The bus to heaven?

• Larry Lipton : This is just such a shock! I'm telling you, I'm just vibrating from this.

• Carol Lipton : Larry, is this the most exciting thing that's ever happened to us in our whole marriage?

  Larry Lipton : This is too exciting. I don't need this. You know, I like something - I like a fishing trip or Father's Day, you know, or the time we saw Bing Crosby walking down 5th Avenue. You know, I don't need a murder to - to enliven my life at all.

• Carol Lipton : What are you doing? Hey, what are you doing with matches?

  Larry Lipton : These are my matches.

  Carol Lipton : Wait a minute, when were you at the Café des Artistes?

  Larry Lipton : I was with an author, an authoress.

  Carol Lipton : At Café des Artistes?

  Larry Lipton : A French - A French authoress.

• Larry Lipton : You have all these skills and you're beautiful and you can write so well and now it turns out you play poker! This is too good to be true.

  Marcia Fox : Well, I wouldn't say beautiful.

  Larry Lipton : Oh, I would.

  Marcia Fox : But, I do have tremendous sex appeal.

  Larry Lipton : Okay. You sold me.

• Carol Lipton : What? You think she's Ted's type? Is that...

  Larry Lipton : Ted's type? She's anybody's type. She's brilliant. She's talented...

  Carol Lipton : You know, you're pupils are dilating. I want to tell you that.

  Larry Lipton : She's *dangerously* sexual.

• Ted : I like this woman, she's lurid.

  Carol Lipton : Let me tell you why, he's not going to believe us, okay.

  Larry Lipton : Yeah, first of all, because I can't - I can't bluff or lie without giggling.

  Carol Lipton : No, because, if we really had the body, why tell him? Why not go straight to the police?

  Marcia Fox : If you tell the cops, you can't shake 'em down.

  Ted : Oh, she's wicked.

• [first lines] 

  Larry Lipton : C'mon, you promised to sit through the hockey game without being bored,

  Carol Lipton : [overlapping]  I know, honey, I promised.

  Larry Lipton : and I'll sit through the Wagner opera with you next week.

  Carol Lipton : I know.

  Larry Lipton : I already bought the earplugs.

  Carol Lipton : Yeah, well, with your eyesight I'm surprised you can see the puck. Wow, yay, come on.

• Larry Lipton : Yes, I know I'm a bore because I don't break the law. You know, I live within the Constitution, so I'm dull.

• Larry Lipton : He wants to go on vacation or something.

  Carol Lipton : Yeah, where? Oh, I know where. Ha, ha. Snorkeling, right?

  Larry Lipton : So what? Different strokes. You know, he has fun sitting at the bottom of the water, face-to-face with squid.

• Carol Lipton : Oh, I know. I know. What about this: what if they had a big insurance policy? Or, something like that?

  Larry Lipton : Too much "Double Indemnity."

• Larry Lipton : I can't do it. I have - my wife - I have a little thing - I'll do the cheeseburger with you next week or something.

  Marcia Fox : The story of my life.

• Larry Lipton : What do you mean you snuck into his apartment? Are you nuts!

  Carol Lipton : Stop being such a fuddy-dude.

  Larry Lipton : A fuddy-dude? What are you talking about? That's a crime! You can't do that. That's burglary and breaking and entering. What has gotten into you lately?

• Carol Lipton : It was a cinch. I took the key and I just let myself in.

  Larry Lipton : Look, I don't want to - you'll wind up rooming with John Gotti! You can't do that. You can't just steal a key and go into somebody's apartment.

• Carol Lipton : Something is very strange here. He left these out and ready. I think the whole thing is really sinister.

  Larry Lipton : It's the eye of the beholder. What you have to - you have to go to the eye doctor and get happy glasses.

• Marcia Fox : You seem in a strange mood.

  Larry Lipton : No, no, no. I'm probably just a little drunk.

  Marcia Fox : On Perrier?

  Larry Lipton : No, what are you talking about? I had rum cake.

• Carol Lipton : For some reason you've gotten so stodgy in your old age.

  Larry Lipton : Hey, you remember there was a movie house just right on this corner.

  Carol Lipton : Yes!

  Larry Lipton : Not to change the subject. I took you to see "Last Year at Marienbad" on our first date.

  Carol Lipton : Yeah, I know. I had to explain it to you for the next six months!

  Larry Lipton : Who knew they were flashbacks?

• Larry Lipton : So, hey kid, this is the apple! This is the town that never sleeps! That's why we don't live in Duluth. That, plus, I don't know where Duluth is.

• Marcia Fox : Remember that book you recommended to me? "Murder in Manhattan"?

  Larry Lipton : Oh, yes! Max Schindler's book. That's right, the phone call. This is perfect.

  Carol Lipton : I don't remember that book. You never mentioned that book to me.

  Larry Lipton : No, no. Because you don't like light reading. So I...

  Carol Lipton : Since when don't I like light reading, Larry?

• Larry Lipton : You don't know what's going on out there. I'll never say that life doesn't imitate art again.

• Larry Lipton : He sees himself as, you know, as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. I see him more as Peter Lorre, waving his hands.