Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

Alan Alda: Ted

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Quotes 

• Larry Lipton : This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps.

  Ted : I can see that, depending on who's picture is on the stamp.

• Ted : I want to celebrate. You want to go see what Larry and Carol are doing?

  Marcia Fox : I think they want to be alone.

  Ted : Oh, right. Well, uh, what about you? Do you have plans?

  Marcia Fox : You're taking me to dinner, right?

  Ted : Right, absolutely! Only we can't sleep together, not tonight.

  Marcia Fox : Why not?

  Ted : Well, because I already slept with Helen Moss once today, and I'm not young and active like I used to be.

  Marcia Fox : You'll do anything to catch a murderer, won't you?

  Ted : Mmm-hmm.

• Helen Moss : Before the drama prize.

  Ted : The drama prize? I don't remember.

  Helen Moss : Remember? Remember? "Out, out, damn spot." The topless Macbeth.

  Ted : Oh yeah, oh, for the fraternity party, yeah. The topless Macbeth. How could I forget that?

  Helen Moss : I was great in that.

• Ted : I like this woman, she's lurid.

  Carol Lipton : Let me tell you why, he's not going to believe us, okay.

  Larry Lipton : Yeah, first of all, because I can't - I can't bluff or lie without giggling.

  Carol Lipton : No, because, if we really had the body, why tell him? Why not go straight to the police?

  Marcia Fox : If you tell the cops, you can't shake 'em down.

  Ted : Oh, she's wicked.

• Ted : This would be a really great way to kill somebody. You clog their arteries with whipped cream... chocolate mousse... butter. They go like that.

  Marilyn : I'd like to French-pastry myself to death right now.

• Ted : I'm gonna be late for my shrink.