Baby's Day Out (1994)

Joe Mantegna: Eddie

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Quotes 

• [Eddie's pants were on fire, and Veeko stomped on the fire to put it out] 

  Veeko : That's how you put out campfires.

  Eddie : Is that... a fact?

  Veeko : Used to do it in boy scouts.

  Eddie : You toasted your marshmallows... over a pile of flaming GONADS?

  Veeko : We usually used logs.

• Norby : Eddie, what else did Mary's little lamb do?

  Eddie : Didn't he put, uh, Humpty Dumpty back together again?

  Veeko : That was Nat King Cole.

  Eddie : Nat King Cole stuck his finger in the pie and yanked out the bird.

  Veeko : How can a lamb put a Humpty together again? He ain't got fingers.

• Eddie : [Baby Bink just got away from the villains again after many times, but this time by crawling into a small sewer tunnel]  No problem, fellas. It ain't a hole. It's a tunnel. And what's every tunnel got?

  Norby : Ooh! Don't tell me! I know, I know, I know. It's uh, uh, uh-...

  Veeko : Tollbooth at the end.

  Eddie : Are you always this stupid, or do you do this just to annoy me?

• [the villains have returned to their apartment after chasing Baby Bink all day long] 

  Norby : Hey, Eddie, you sure you don't wanna go check to see if they left the money?

  Eddie : Oh, that's a good idea. We get the living hell torn out of us by a baby! Three fully-grown men versus 15 pounds of pink flesh with a mouth! Now, what chance do you think we got of strolling into that alley and coming out with anything less than 140 years in prison?

  Veeko : No way.

  Eddie : No, thank you! This is a hexed situation, we walk away while we're still ahead.

  Veeko : We took a licking and kept on ticking.

  Eddie : We go back to banks. Dealing with grown-ups, and I want no kiddie stuff.

  Norby : We did all right with banks.

  Veeko : Or a convenience store once in a while, keeps things interesting.

  Eddie : You know, I tell you one thing I learned from all this: I ain't never gonna have any kids of my own.

  Norby : [Norby and Veeko laugh, and give each other high-fives. Veeko winces from his crushed hand]  Yeah, seeing as you burnt down the only tree in your forest, I wouldn't worry about it.

  Eddie : Why don't you shut up? I don't wanna ever hear another word about that rotten, snake-bit baby.

  [Baby Bink saying boo-boo is heard from the megaphone outside] 

  Eddie : I'm serious!

  Eddie : I'm hearing that little vermin in my thoughts. I want to erase him from my mind!

  Norby : [Wistfully]  Did you hear that?

  Veeko : Yeah.

  Norby : You know what it sounds like?

  Eddie : [Picks up Bink's book and realizes he's actually outside]  Boo boo... he's back!

• Eddie : If you want to be a shoplifter, go to J.C. Penney.

• Eddie : [after accidently letting some mixture be poured on him]  THAT'S IT! NO MERCY!

  [tries to walk through the slippery puddle of mixture] 

  Eddie : This ain't no nursury school battle of wits anymore. This is my '5'"10" of guile, gut, and gristle, versus you 2 1/2 feet of goo-goos,gaa-gaas, and giggles.

  [slips on the floor, but climbs up again] 

  Eddie : If the Milwaukee Mob couldn't kill me, no milk-puking little thumb-sucker's got a candle's chance on a cyclone of getting the better of me!

• [while trying to feed Bink] 

  Veeko : Ed.

  Eddie : Huh?

  Veeko : How do I know this milk won't burn the kid's throat? If that matters.

  Eddie : Try it on some skin first.

  [Veeko almost drops some milk on his arm, but removes Norby's hat and squirts some over his bald head. Norby screams in pain as Bink laughs] 

  Norby : What's the matter with you?

  Veeko : I'd better let it cool down.

  [Norby smacks Veeko across the head. Bink laughs] 

  Norby : You like that? Hey, Eddie!

  Eddie : Huh?

  Norby : Watch the baby.

  [Norby smacks Veeko again. Bink laughs. Norby laughs as well. Veeko laughs mockingly] 

  Eddie : Very good. Now see if it works the other way.

  [Veeko smacks Norby across the head so hard he falls over. Bink laughs. Veeko smiles at him] 

  Veeko : It works.

  [Eddie nods] 

• Norby : Eddie?

  Eddie : Huh?

  Norby : You're a smart guy. How do you tell the front from the back on these diapers?

  Eddie : Aren't there pockets in the front?

  Norby : [looks it over]  Very funny. The front and the back are the same!

  Eddie : Then it probably don't make no difference. Put him in them regular baby clothes. That fruit suit's a dead give away that he's a rich kid.

• [Bink has crawled out the bedroom window, up the stairs and onto the roof; looks down through the skylight with drool leaking onto his chin; Eddie does the newspaper crossword; Veeko watches TV whilst chewing his finger nails; Bink's drool drops down onto the back of Eddie's neck; Eddie scrapes some drool off, looks at it and glares at Veeko] 

  Veeko : [notices Eddie's glaring face]  What?

  [Eddie leans over and smacks him on the head] 

  Veeko : What did I do?

  Eddie : You *spit* on me!

  Veeko : I did *not*!

  Eddie : *Somebody* did, and you're the only one in the room!

  [Veeko turns back to the TV; Bink giggles; Eddie and Veeko look up, then back to each other; they look up again; Veeko drops the TV remote] 

  Baby Bink #1 : Whoa.

  [Eddie and Veeko bolt into the bedroom, where they find Norby fast asleep] 

  Eddie : You jerk!

  Norby : [jumps awake]  What?

  [Eddie climbs on top of Norby and grabs his shirt] 

  Norby : Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, shh! Quiet. You're gonna wake up the baby.

  Eddie : The baby's on the roof!

• [Chasing Big Woman who has Bink unknowingly in her purse] 

  Norby : We'll give her a sandwich.

  Eddie : She don't need a sandwich, look at her. She's big as a building.

  [Big Woman turns around and lays a severe beating on them] 

  Big Woman : We'll give her a sandwich, huh? Big as a building, huh? Not so easy making jokes with my fist in your mouth, is it?