The Paper (1994)
Robert Duvall: Bernie White
Photos
Quotes
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Bernie : In '68, a bunch of us went to cover the Olympics in Grenoble. Decided to go to the best restaurant in town. Now, the menu didn't have any prices, but we were all on expense accounts so we figured, fuck it, got drunk. Well, somehow there ended up being, I don't know, fifteen or sixteen of us at the table, and when the check came - ooooo, it was nine thousand dollars.
Alicia : Whoa.
Bernie : Yeah.
[chuckles]
Bernie : So, now we're all starting to point fingers, we're trying to figure out who invited who. And just when it was starting to get really embarrassing, this funny-lookin' old guy at the next table calls the maitre-d over.
[mimics writing]
Bernie : Ehhhh, he did a couple of squiggly lines on a napkin, signed his name, winked at us - that was it. The old guy was Pablo Picasso, and that napkin paid our bill.
Alicia : Did I miss the segue here, Bernie? What's the point?
Bernie : Well, the people we cover - we move in their world but it is their world. You can't live like them, Alicia. You'll never keep up. Now, if you try and make this job about the money, you'll be nothing but miserable, 'cause we don't get the money - never have, never will."
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[Reading in a dictionary]
Bernie : Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done.
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Bernie : Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong.
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Bernie : I gotta know if she hates me. If she hates me, there's no point.
Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner : Hates you? She's your daughter. What could you do that she would hate you?
Bernie : I kept fucking my reporters and... broke her mother's heart.
Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner : That would do it.
Bernie : Yeah, it would. It did.
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Bernie : Don't ask marital advice from a guy with two ex-wives and a daughter who won't speak to me.
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Bernie : The problem with being my age is everybody thinks you're a father figure but you're really just the same asshole you always were.
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Bernie's Doctor : Now don't overreact. If we go after it early, before it metastasizes to a bone, the majority of these prostate cancer cases are beatable.
Bernie : Go after it how?
Bernie's Doctor : Irridation therapy.
Bernie : That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.
Bernie's Doctor : You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?
Bernie : To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.
[pause]
Bernie : Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?
Bernie's Doctor : I don't believe so. No.
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Bernie : If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!".
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Bernie : Do you hate me? If you hate me, there's no point.
Deanne White : I don't know you enough to hate you.
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Bernie : I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.
Henry : Right. Listen...
Bernie : We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.
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Bernie : Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, for Christ's sake!
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Bernie : Features.
Carl : We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.
Henry : Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.
