The Paper (1994)

Michael Keaton: Henry Hackett

Photos 

Quotes 

• Henry : I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot.

  Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?

  Henry : Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...

  Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : Why don't you just take my wallet as well?

  Henry : Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...

  Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : Well, I hope you're satisfied, asshole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!

  Henry : Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!

  [Henry slams down telephone back on the receiver] 

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : You handled that well.

  Henry : Thank you.

• Henry : Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?

• [Henry drinking Coke] 

  Martha : Why don't you just pour battery acid down your throat?

  Henry : No caffeine.

• Henry : What's the matter with Phil? It looks like he sat on something sharp.

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : Well, you told him he could have Richard's old desk, right?

  Henry : Right.

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?

  Henry : I have episodes. Nothing serious.

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : Phil is still pissed you wouldn't approve his $600 orthopaedic chair. And now with this desk thing, he's convinced it's a conspiracy to prevent him from sitting down.

• Bernie : You got a cop quote?

  Henry : A what?

  Bernie : Quote. You know, they talk, you write, we print?

• Bernie : You do have a problem, Henry. But it's your problem.

  Henry : Thanks, Bernie. You've been a big help.

• Bernie : Where did you get this?

  Henry : This? I stole it off Bladden's desk at The Sentinel.

  Bernie : Jesus, Henry, I was kidding.

  Henry : You know, they called us "cute", and I was right there and they were out of tote bags.

• Henry : What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "Fuck you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more fucking time. I need it fucking today, I need it right now!

• Henry : A clipboard and a confident wave will get you into any building in the world!

• Henry : What if these aren't the guys? What if they're innocent?

  Alicia : Taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.

  Henry : Wait. This is a story that could permanently alter the public's perception of two teenagers who might be innocent and as a weekend bonus, ignite another race war. How about that? Think about this.

• Henry : Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

• Henry : Jeez. What are these?

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : Subway wreck, West 4th Street this morning. Did you find the one with the...

  Henry : Is that an arm?

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : Yeah, you found it.

• Henry : For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not gonna ask some news reporter to wait until after 5:00 to make out-of-state phone calls. It's ridiculous. I'm not gonna do it.

  Alicia : Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.

  Henry : You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?

• Henry : When did you get so paranoid?

  Michael McDougal : When they started plotting against me.

• Henry : It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office.

• Bernie : I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.

  Henry : Right. Listen...

  Bernie : We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the fuck up.

• Henry : I'm stopping it.

  Michael McDougal : What?

  Henry : We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".

  Michael McDougal : Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.

  Henry : Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".

  Michael McDougal : Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!

  Henry : I - Stop the presses!

• Jerry : [on Bernie's mood]  What's up his ass?

  Henry : A bagel.

• Alicia : Oh please, Henry. You don't care whether they get beaten up or not, that's not what this is all about. We got our ass kicked yesterday, so you want to beat everyone else today, that's all.

  Henry : Yeah I do. You don't? You don't?

  Alicia : C'mon, give me a break.

  Henry : Tell me you don't. You do. Fuck it! Let's not beat anybody today, let's not beat anybody all week. Bernie, what do you say? Let's not beat anybody til October, the whole year? Fuck it, Let's never beat anybody to the rest of our lives.

• Bernie : Features.

  Carl : We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.

  Henry : Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.

• Henry : Doesn't anybody say "good morning" any more?

  Carmen : I don't think so.

• Bernie : What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

  Henry : Nazis marching in New Jersey.

  Lou : There you go.

  Bernie : Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

• Anna : Oh, Henry, this might interest you. The mother whale in the Ukraine had triplets.

  Henry : She told me she was on the pill!

• Henry : Hey, do you remember Sedona Savings and Loan? They went under six months ago. We did a big piece on 'em.

  Michael McDougal : I don't read this newspaper.

• [Martha wants to talk to Henry] 

  Henry : I've got 64 seconds. What's wrong?

• Henry : Did McDougal call in?

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : No.

  Henry : No message at all from McDougal?

  Janet, Henry's Secretary : I have no motive for lying, Henry.

• [Looking at Lou's proof of page one] 

  Lou : What do you think?

  Henry : I hate it.

  Lou : Me too.

• Henry : Are you telling me these banker schmucks lost $5 million of the Mob's money?

  Martha : Dumb fellas, huh? Unwise guys.

• Martha : Henry, listen. Tomorrow is fine. Tomorrow.

  Henry : No, today.

  Martha : Tomorrow.

  Henry : Today. Today. Today. Today.

  Martha : Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

  Henry : Today, now. Today, now. Today.

• Henry : Robin happens to be a professional news photographer.

  Alicia : Robin happens to be 14 years old.

• Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : The Sedona item. you stole it right off my desk!

  Henry : Uh...

  Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : Uh, uh, uh, my ass!

• Michael McDougal : What's with all the grunt work? I'm a columnist.

  Henry : You're not a columnist. You're a reporter who writes long.

• Henry : I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert at that... place.

• Henry : I - You're shouting, first of all.

  Martha : I know I'm shouting! I like to shout!

• Henry : Don't take the bat out of my hand. It's the ninth inning.

• Henry : I think we got room for 20 inches on this one. Give me a killer lead. By the way, you got three minutes.

  Michael McDougal : I need four.

  Henry : Three.

  Michael McDougal : I need four.

  Henry : Alright, whatever. Just make it fast.

• Alicia : People take the Sun with a grain of salt. We'll run yours tomorrow.

  Henry : No! Not tomorrow! Right fucking now today!

• Martha : Didn't you notice?

  Henry : What?

  Martha : All the crap. Today I can't even remember it.

• Henry : I don't think so, I don't think so. You know, TV's gonna be all over it. They already are. It's a minor derailment. And Carmen has got great day two stuff on the Williamsburg murders. If they make a bust, we have to follow up on that.

  Alicia : The subway's a major story.

  Anna : Nobody died.

  Lou : Somebody got maimed.

  Alicia : Yeah, that helps.

  Henry : [mocking]  Minor derailment!

• Henry : Alicia's going to have to kiss my ass on this one. Come on, baby! Right here, baby!

• Richie : You guys use my name on this and I'll fucking find you. You understand?

  Henry : I got it. Police department source only. Promise, right?

  Richie : These kids? They didn't do it.

• Alicia : He derails his train and steps over bodies to have a few beers?

  Henry : What do you do after you step over bodies?

  Alicia : I have a cigarette and go to sleep.

• Phil : What's with the gunshot?

  Henry : McDougal.

  Bernie : Is he dead?

• Janet, Henry's Secretary : Are you completely psychotic?

  Henry : I have episodes, nothing serious.

• Carl : Jerry's almost finished his series on penile implants.

  [several men groan] 

  Henry : Yeah, and can we also get a different penis diagram please? It looks like a map of Florida. Also kind of looks like the 7th hole at Shinnecock. You play across the water.