- John Slade: The name's Slade.
- Julian Rogers: Super. Here's an idea. Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.
- Ben Wheeler: But leaving would be like giving up.
- Phil Taylor: That's exactly what it would be, Ben--giving up! So let's just give up. Let's get out of here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home. Let's go east. What do you say?
- Bartender: I say you're a bunch of gutless lily-livered, yellow-belly eastern sissies. All you've done since you got here was whine and complain. Now why don't you go back and leave the West to the real men?
- Julian Rogers: Well, actually, I could have the books on the wagon really quickly. And the Cappuccino machine, you know, is going to travel like a dream.
- The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Little Feather.
- Little Feather: [in Sioux] Father, I hate that name.
- The Chief: [in Sioux] Ah, my son.
- [waves his hand in front of his crotch]
- The Chief: [in Sioux] Untie them, Big Snake That Makes Women Faint!
- Billy: [while Julian is washing his back] So, what brought you out West, Julian?
- Julian Rogers: Oh, the men. I heard it was just plumb full of them.
- Billy: Men?
- [pause]
- Billy: Oh, because men read more books than women.
- Julian Rogers: Uh, yeah.
- James H. Harlow: Well?
- Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: Bad news. Big trouble.
- James H. Harlow: Let's just keep that to ourselves.
- [Crowd approaches]
- Ben Wheeler: What's news?
- Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: Cavalry's coming. They come to stop you.
- Ben Wheeler: We can't go East.
- Phil Taylor: Why not?
- Ben Wheeler: Because!
- Phil Taylor: Why?
- Zeke: Because it's against "The Code."
- Phil Taylor: It's against what code?
- Ben Wheeler: You know very well what code. The Code... of the West.
- Phil Taylor: Oh, the Code of the West. Isn't that the same code that says, ah...
- Ben Wheeler: "The only good Indian is a dead Indian."
- Phil Taylor: And "Die with your boots on." Wait, wait a minute, I got another one for you - "If someone steals your horse, you hang him." That's some code. Hey, this is quite a code! Let's just stay here! What a code.
- Julian Rogers: It's not a very enlightened ideology.
- Julian Rogers: I'd like to recommend one of my favorite authors to you: a woman named Jane Austen. This is a writer of just wonderfully exquisite prose. And, of course, as you can see, it's a big damn book. Oh, "Pride and Prejudice". Harry Bob, I think you're going to get more than a run for your money out of this one.
- Harry Bob: How much?
- Julian Rogers: Well, I think two dollars is a fair price.
- Harry Bob: Really.
- Julian Rogers: Uh-huh.
- Harry Bob: How much for just "Pride"?
- Julian Rogers: Well, actually, one does hate to break up the set.
- Harry Bob: All right, but I got to test it first.
- [He tears out some pages from the book]
- Harry Bob: Where's the outhouse?
- [the wagon train is outside St. Louis]
- Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: Goodbye, my friends. Remember, if you're ever in my country again, I'll have to kill you.
- [laughter]
- Big Snake That Makes Women Faint: I'm serious.
- [laughter stops]
- Phil Taylor: I was a field surgeon during the war. We'd work long hours. We'd eat while we operated. One time, there's this young soldier I was trying to save, he took a cannonball in the stomach. After 18 hours of surgery, I did it. Never felt better in my life. Until, just like that, the patient dies. Turns out I left half a bologna sandwich in his lung.
- Harry Bob: When I was 10 years old, I killed my best friend, Tommy Hanley. All the folks in town thought he died of falling out a tree. But the fact of the matter is, I beat him with a club and drug him in the woods so's it'd look that way. Ha ha ha!
- [thinks about it]
- Harry Bob: I had no idea why I'd done it.
- [beat]
- Harry Bob: Ha ha ha, thank you, Doctor, I feel better already!
- [Slade slugs the tied-up Harlow with his rifle butt]
- Belle: Bastard!
- John Slade: Could be. I don't know if my ma and pa were married. I killed my pa before I could ask.
- Phil Taylor: About that leg, Clay. You know, these flesh wounds can be a little tricky. You know, things happen... there are complications.
- Clayton Ferguson: You had to amputate?
- Phil Taylor: No, no, no, no, no, no! The leg is, ah, fine... a little stiff.
- Clayton Ferguson: Well, now, that's to be expected.
- Phil Taylor: Well, you know, Clay, ah, the leg is not the only part that's, ah, stiff. Actually, his whole body is kind of, ah, well, he's ah, he's ah, he's dead!
- River Townsman: Ma'am, you people are crazy!
- Belle: Crazy? What do you mean, crazy? Because we risked out lives crossing a river instead of staying on the other side? Because we have faith in ourselves? Because we believe in a wagonmaster who gave us the courage and the confidence to do things we never thought we could have done?
- River Townsman: No, because most people use the bridge.
- [an outlaw gang is holding up the bank]
- Ben Wheeler: This is the third time this month. You really should give the depositers a chance to build up their accounts.
- [he hands the outlaw leader the bank's account books and his eyeshade]
- Ben Wheeler: Good luck.
- Desperado Leader: Hey! I got a job!