Mad TV (1995–2016)
Mo Collins: Various, Miranda Hobbes, Cher, Doreen Larkin, Lorraine Swanson, Self
Photos
Quotes
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.
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Aunt Noreen : Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
Stuart Larkin : The alcoholic?
Aunt Noreen : No...
Stuart Larkin : The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
Aunt Noreen : No...
Stuart Larkin : Then you must be the ugly one.
Doreen Larkin : Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
Stuart Larkin : I'm sorry you're ugly.
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Doreen Larkin : What do you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin : A Happy Meal!
Doreen Larkin : Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal!
Stuart Larkin : [growling] Then I hate the Chinese!
Doreen Larkin : STUART! That kind of talk is racist! What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother!
Doreen Larkin : [nods] That's righ-
[stands up]
Doreen Larkin : Oh! Ohh! Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you!
Stuart Larkin : [nods] Hmm-hmm! You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat.
Doreen Larkin : Oh! Okay...
Stuart Larkin : The French are smelly and can't fight...
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DMV Worker : Now turn and face the camera.
Ms. Swan : Live from New York...
DMV Worker : No! That's the wrong show.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
Stuart Larkin : Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
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Stuart Larkin : Where did his eyes go?
Doreen Larkin : Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape!
Stuart Larkin : They look like this!
[takes his fingers to his face and presses his eyes together to resemble an Asian]
Doreen Larkin : Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye!
Stuart Larkin : I don't have a lazy eye!
Doreen Larkin : Ohh! Yes you do!
Stuart Larkin : Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone!
Doreen Larkin : STUART! Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?
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Connie Chung : You were great in "Chicago".
Catherine Zeta-Jones : Thank you, that means a lot.
Connie Chung : I know what "thank you" means.
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Lorraine Swanson : Goddddddd, that's cute.
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant! Isn't this fun?
Stuart Larkin : The waiter's face looked weird!
Doreen Larkin : Well, that's because he's Asian...
Stuart Larkin : [slight pause] Where did his eyes go?
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about the smoking?
Stuart Larkin : Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
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Doreen Larkin : [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin : A happy meal.
Doreen Larkin : Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
Stuart Larkin : [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.
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Marvin Tikvah : Shelly.
Shelly : What?
Marvin Tikvah : [lowering voice] Shelly.
[pauses and takes a drink]
Marvin Tikvah : C'MON.
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Lorraine Swanson : [coughing noise] Uh-uh-uh.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about lying?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about swearing?
Stuart Larkin : Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.
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[filming the Blair Witch report]
Diane Sawyer : I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me.
[off in the distance]
Ted Koppel : I'm Ted Koppel.
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee.
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you.
Stuart Larkin : Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight... oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly.
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Police Officer : Year and make of the car, please.
Driver : It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer.
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Dale : Carol Finney! Tell us something about yourself, and *not* something I've already said!
Carol : Well, I like to roll nickels... I have a windmill magnet collection... my daughter's my best friend.
Dale : Well I hope your husband is a close second!
Carol : Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels!
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Stuart Larkin : Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?
Various : His what?
Stuart Larkin : His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there.
Various : I'm sorry, I don't understand...
Doreen Larkin : Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh!
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Lorraine Swanson : Serpentine.
