Mad TV (1995–2016)
Michael McDonald: Various, Carrie Bradshaw, Capt. Von Trapp, Host, Self - Special Guest, Stuart, Stuart Larkin
Photos
Quotes
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.
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Aunt Noreen : Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
Stuart Larkin : The alcoholic?
Aunt Noreen : No...
Stuart Larkin : The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
Aunt Noreen : No...
Stuart Larkin : Then you must be the ugly one.
Doreen Larkin : Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
Stuart Larkin : I'm sorry you're ugly.
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Doreen Larkin : What do you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin : A Happy Meal!
Doreen Larkin : Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal!
Stuart Larkin : [growling] Then I hate the Chinese!
Doreen Larkin : STUART! That kind of talk is racist! What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother!
Doreen Larkin : [nods] That's righ-
[stands up]
Doreen Larkin : Oh! Ohh! Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you!
Stuart Larkin : [nods] Hmm-hmm! You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat.
Doreen Larkin : Oh! Okay...
Stuart Larkin : The French are smelly and can't fight...
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Stuart Larkin : Look what I can do!
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Stuart Larkin : My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
Stuart Larkin : Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
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Stuart Larkin : Where did his eyes go?
Doreen Larkin : Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape!
Stuart Larkin : They look like this!
[takes his fingers to his face and presses his eyes together to resemble an Asian]
Doreen Larkin : Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye!
Stuart Larkin : I don't have a lazy eye!
Doreen Larkin : Ohh! Yes you do!
Stuart Larkin : Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone!
Doreen Larkin : STUART! Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?
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Stuart Larkin : Dooooooon't.
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant! Isn't this fun?
Stuart Larkin : The waiter's face looked weird!
Doreen Larkin : Well, that's because he's Asian...
Stuart Larkin : [slight pause] Where did his eyes go?
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about the smoking?
Stuart Larkin : Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
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Stuart Larkin : Stay away from my Danger Zone!
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Stuart Larkin : Let me do it.
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Doreen Larkin : [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
Stuart Larkin : A happy meal.
Doreen Larkin : Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
Stuart Larkin : [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.
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Marvin Tikvah : Shelly.
Shelly : What?
Marvin Tikvah : [lowering voice] Shelly.
[pauses and takes a drink]
Marvin Tikvah : C'MON.
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Stuart Larkin : [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about lying?
Stuart Larkin : Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
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Doreen Larkin : What does mama say about swearing?
Stuart Larkin : Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.
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Man : [a t-ball coach teaching Stuart to swing] Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?
Stuart Larkin : [eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.
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Doreen Larkin : Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you.
Stuart Larkin : Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight... oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly.
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Piano Teacher : Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?
Stuart Larkin : Hm hmm.
Piano Teacher : You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?
Stuart Larkin : [evil voice] If I said I did it, I did it!
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Joe Namath : Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday.
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Simon Cowell : [to Micheal Jackson on All-Star American Idol] Jacko, freak of nature... yes. Pedofile... yes. She-male... yes.
[pause]
Simon Cowell : American Idol, no.
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Brenda : So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?
Stuart Larkin : Um-hum.
Brenda : Well, how does that makes you feel?
Stuart Larkin : [suspiciously] Why?
Brenda : Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you... You know, sweetie, it's not your fault.
Stuart Larkin : [pushes Brenda off the couch with his feet] Aaaaahhh!
Brenda : Stuart, that was not very nice.
Stuart Larkin : [reaching out his foot towards Brenda] Say that into the microphone!
Brenda : If I do, will we be friends?
Stuart Larkin : [putting his foot in front of his mouth, sing-songy] I don't know.
Brenda : Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine.
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Stuart Larkin : Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?
Various : His what?
Stuart Larkin : His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there.
Various : I'm sorry, I don't understand...
Doreen Larkin : Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh!
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Simon Cowell : You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster...
[pause]
Simon Cowell : ... pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me!
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Various : Where are the strawberries?
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Girl in Tow Truck : I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family.
Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man : Then you are stupid.
