The Daily Show (1996– )

Stephen Colbert: Self - Correspondent, Self - Handoff to 'The Colbert Report', Self - Host, Self, Handoff to 'The Colbert Report', Rev. Al Sharpton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stephen Colbert : After all, it was Thomas Jefferson who said "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."

  Jon Stewart : No, that was Stalin. Thomas Jefferson said that he'd "Rather have free press and no government, than a government and no free press".

  Stephen Colbert : Well, what else would you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer?

• Stephen Colbert : If you're a lesbian, why are you turning me on?

• Stephen Colbert : [after footage of Jerry Falwell saying "Blow them all away in the name of the Lord"]  This just in, Jesus has quit.

• Stephen Colbert : What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he said he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done? It's imaginable.

• [Jon Stewart asks correspondent Stephen Colbert, ostensibly reporting live from the U.S. victory in Baghdad, Iraq, about the rebuilding process] 

  Stephen Colbert : We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.

  Jon Stewart : Are we invading Syria?

  Stephen Colbert : Am I still bound by the military's restrictions on embedded reporters?

  Jon Stewart : Yes.

  Stephen Colbert : Then no.

• Jon Stewart : As I understand, you gave some testimony too.

  Stephen Colbert : Well, I was subpoenaed, Jon, but I pled the sixth. That threw them for a loop.

• Stephen Colbert : You're saying they

  [MSNBC] 

  Stephen Colbert : can say anything they want? They can say that Al Sharpton will carry Wyoming, that the ballot boxes will run red with the blood of the goat, that Hispanics are the new soccer moms, and no one questions that? There aren't any repercussions when they're wrong, nobody gets fired?

  Jon Stewart : ...No.

  Stephen Colbert : I gotta get one of those jobs.

• Stephen Colbert : Well, Jon, the great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily-armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.

• [on the 2000 election] 

  Jon Stewart : What's your overall sense of the mood down at the Republican convention floor. How did it feel to be there last night during the speech?

  Stephen Colbert : Well, Jon, as a journalist I have to maintain my objectivity, but I would say the feeling down here was one of a pervasive and palpable evil. A thick demonic stench that rolls over you and clings like hot black tar, a nightmare from which you cannot awaken, a nameless fear that lives in the dark spaces beyond your peripheral vision and drives you toward inhuman cruelties and unspeakable perversions. The delegates' bloated, pustulent bodies twisting from one obscene form to another, giant spider-shaped and ravenous wolf-headed creatures who feast upon the flesh of the innocent and suck the marrow from the bones of the poor.

• Stephen Colbert : Saddam Hussein will most likely plead a case of self-defense...

  Jon Stewart : Wait a minute, Stephen... self-defense? The man killed 400,000 Kurds.

  Stephen Colbert : ...who snuck up on him, Jon.

• Stephen Colbert : [from "The Colbert Report" sketches]  Liberal? Conservative? All that matters is that you're wrong.

• Stephen Colbert : My name isn't really Stephen Colbert. It's actually Ted Hitler... A very distant relationship... Two generations back... Directly... I'm the grandson of Hitler.

• Stephen Colbert : What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"

• Stephen Colbert : Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me/you should vote for you/me.

  Al Sharpton : You're Reverend Al Sharpton?

  Stephen Colbert : I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. You're Stephen Colbert. Tell me...

  Al Sharpton : Tell Al Sharpton?

  Stephen Colbert : Tell me/you why you/me should vote for me/you.

  Al Sharpton : Because you/me are the best candidate, and you oughta know that.

  Stephen Colbert : You're gonna have to back that up, because right now, you aren't persuading you.

• Jon Stewart : Stephen, could you describe the attitude of the democratic voters in New Hampshire?

  Stephen Colbert : Well, Jon, I'd say that they have an attitude of anger.

  Jon Stewart : Anger toward President Bush?

  Stephen Colbert : No, Jon; toward me. Me and the other reporters.

• Jon Stewart : Kerry could pose a serious threat.

  Stephen Colbert : [talking like a biblical prophet]  Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!

• Stephen Colbert : It used to be that our elected officials were veterans of World War II, Vietnam, or the Civil Rights Movement. But with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, I foresee a day when all our leaders will come from the movie "Predator." Think about it. Governor Carl Weathers. No, wait, *Senator* Predator. I bet he has some pretty interesting things to say about tort reform.

• Jon Stewart : So, Stephen, how was Louisiana?

  Stephen Colbert : I don't know, Jon, why do you ask?

  Jon Stewart : You were just there.

  Stephen Colbert : Okay, I'll bite. What was I doing there?

  Jon Stewart : You did a story about drive-through daquiri bars.

  Stephen Colbert : Oh, no, Jon. I think I would have remembered that. Unless, of course, I was drinking. When I drink, I tend to black out. That's why I drink - to forget the blackouts. I'm kinda confused, obviously... I need a drink. You got any liquor around here? No? that's all right - I always make sure to carry a bottle of Ice Blue Aqua Velva with me. I am an Aqua Velva man. Want any?

  Jon Stewart : No, no after shave for me, thanks.

• Stephen Colbert : [from "The Colbert Report" sketches, on his name being pronounced "Coal Bear"]  It's French, bitch!

• Stephen Colbert : Are you afraid that associating with the Republican party might bring a taint of corruption to boxing?

  Don King : Let me say this - I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? So therefore, uh, do not send for who the bell tolls 'cause the bell tolls for thee.

  Stephen Colbert : I'll take that as a "maybe"?

  Don King : If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.

  Stephen Colbert : I... I get you.

  Don King : Yes, thank you.

  Stephen Colbert : What is it I get?

• Stephen Colbert : Welcome to This Week In God. If it's worth suspending rational thought for, it's on This Week In God.

• Stephen Colbert : That's it for This Week In God. But before we go, let's check last week's collection plates! The Catholics are once again number one, no surprises there. The Baptists come in second, followed by the Methodists. Ooh, Scientology, I'll just check Variety. And finally, Jews for Jesus - buptkiss. But can you really put a price on offending two major religions at once?

• Stephen Colbert : That's it for This Week In God. Be sure to tune in next week when I reveal my new hidden-camera special: Church Booth Confessions.

• Stephen Colbert : IMAX. You're familiar with the IMAX format if you're an elementary school student on a field trip or a college student on a mushroom trip.

• Stephen Colbert : More and more pharmacists are refusing to fill birth control medication. For this guy, life begins when you first think about having sex.

• Jon Stewart : Stephen, Senator Frist's appearance at that megachurch could be seen as a serious breach of the separation of church of state.

  Stephen Colbert : Jon, let me explain this in a metaphor. If you take a gallon of Neopolitan ice-cream, like the one I'm holding, you need to drag a spoon all the way across it to get the full three flavors.

  [Colbert puts the gallon of ice cream down and picks up another one] 

  Stephen Colbert : However, if you have a gallon of fudge sundae ice cream, you can dip your spoon in and enjoy all parts of the sundae at once.

  Jon Stewart : So you're implying that mixing church and state is a good thing?

  Stephen Colbert : Jon, I'm saying that this megachurch is a Baskin-Robbins.

• Stephen Colbert : [on the White House's new chef]  I think the right may be shocked to learn she once made an organic quince tart with a lactose-free crème anglaise for a vegan banquet.

  Jon Stewart : [shrugs]  Why would that upset the right?

  Stephen Colbert : It's gay food, Jon. About as gay as it gets. Might as well just stick it up your butt.

• Stephen Colbert : In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the man?

  Al Sharpton : I don't know what street you got that language...

  Stephen Colbert : The urban street. The mean streets.

  Al Sharpton : I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them, but I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.

  Stephen Colbert : Not even the man?

  Al Sharpton : Who's the man?

  Stephen Colbert : Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now, stick it to me.

  Al Sharpton : uh... I'm not sticking it to anyone.

  Stephen Colbert : Not even the man? He's very stickable.

  Al Sharpton : I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you, I get thrilled by stopping you... sticking it... st... you're sticking it to me.

• Stephen Colbert : Professor Banzafh, name one way you're not Hitler.

• Announcer : [from 'The Colbert Report' sketches]  The Colbert Report: Winner of the 2005 Peabody Award!

  Stephen Colbert : If the voters have any balls! Well, do ya, voters? Do you have any balls? Because I do! Let me show you!

• John Kerry : [John Kerry is giving his speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention]  And what can I say about Teresa?

  Stephen Colbert : That bitch is *loaded*!