The Daily Show (1996– )

Ed Helms: Self - Correspondent, Self, Self -Correspondent

Quotes 

• Ed Helms : "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."

• Ed Helms : Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.

• Ed Helms : July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the *political* prisoners, mind you; *all* the prisoners.

• Ed Helms : Jon, I'm here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he's recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the vice president. I'll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.

• Ed Helms : Jon, I'm being told Whittington's condition has now been upgraded from "stable" to "stable but still shot in the face by the vice president." It's good news really.

• Ed Helms : Say what you will about Fascism, Jon, but at least *then* you knew when the fake election was.

• Ed Helms : April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags.

• Ed Helms : First there was the New Hampshire primary, and we had nearly a year leading up to it. And now, look! Three primaries in one weekend! How many of these things are they going to have?

  Jon Stewart : Uh... there's fifty, Ed.

  Ed Helms : Fifty? That's almost one per state!