Hercules (1997)

James Woods: Hades

Photos 

11 more photos

Quotes 

• Hades : I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...

  [Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs] 

  Hades : What... are... those?

  Pain : Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...

  Hades : [slowly burns up]  I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?

  [Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"] 

  Panic : [chuckles nervously]  Thirsty?

  [Hades screams, and blows up a volcano] 

• Titans : [freed from their prison]  Crush Zeus! Freeze Zeus! Melt Zeus! And blow him away! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

  Hades : Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.

  [points behind him] 

• Zeus : So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?

  Hades : Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

• Panic : "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?

  Pain : I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

  Panic : Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?

  Panic , Pain : Oh, my Gods!

  Pain : Run for it!

  [Hades seizes them and chokes them] 

  Hades : So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?

  Pain : This might be a different Hercules!

  Panic : Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.

  Pain : Remember like a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?

  Hades : I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

• The Fates : In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.

  Hades : Ay, verse. Oy.

  The Fates : The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.

  Hades : Mmm-hmm. Good, good.

  The Fates : Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!

  Hades : YES! Hades rules!

  The Fates : But a word of caution to this tale...

  Hades : Excuse me?

  The Fates : Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

  [they laugh and disappear] 

  Hades : WHAAAT?... Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.

• [Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head] 

  Hades : Whoa. Is my hair out?

• Zeus : Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.

  Hades : Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.

• Hades : Pain!

  Pain : Coming, your most lugubriousness.

  Hades : Panic!

  Panic : Oh, sorry. I can handle it.

  [Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns] 

  Pain : Pain - Ow!

  Panic : And Panic - eechk!

  Pain , Panic : ...reporting for duty!

  Hades : Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.

  Panic : Oh, they're here!

  Hades : [shouting]  WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?

  Pain , Panic : [grovel]  We are worms!

  [as they grovel, they turn into worms] 

  Pain , Panic : Worthless worms!

  Hades : Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

• Hades : I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something...

  Meg : Then read my lips - forget it!

  Hades : Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial, little tiny detail?

  [Hades explodes into flames] 

  Hades : I OWN YOU!

• Hercules : You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.

  Hades : Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.

  Hercules : Going once...

  Hades : Is there a downside to this?

  Hercules : Going twice...

  Hades : Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.

  [Hercules dives in to save Megara] 

  Hades : Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

• Meg : Wonder Boy's fielding every curve ball you throw at him.

  Hades : [simpers]  Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him, Meg my sweet.

  Meg : Don't even go there.

  Hades : He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for Pandora, it was the box thing. And for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? All we have to do is find out Wonder Boy's weakness.

  Meg : I've done my part. Get your little imps...

  Hades : They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.

  Meg : Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.

  Hades : Well, you know, that's good. Because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me, to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg?

  Meg : Look, I learned my lesson, okay?

  Hades : [hands her a Hercules urn]  Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.

  [Meg drops the urn] 

• Hades : Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?

• Hades : Hercules, stop! You can't do this to me, you can't...

  [Hercules punches Hades in the face] 

  Hades : Fine, okay, well I deserved that.

• Hades : Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...

  The Fates , The Fates , The Fates : Late.

  The Fates : We knew you would be.

  The Fates : We know everything.

  The Fates : Past.

  The Fates : Present.

  The Fates : And future.

  The Fates : [aside, to Pain]  Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

  Hades : Right, anyway ladies, I was at this party and I lost all track of ti...

  The Fates , The Fates , The Fates : We know!

  Hades : I KNOW, you know. Anyway, Zeus... Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey You Get Off Of My Cloud", now he has...

  The Fates : A bouncing baby brat!

  The Fates , The Fates , The Fates : WE KNOW!

  Hades : I KNOW YOU KNOW! I got it, I got the concept!

• Zeus : You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death!

  [Everyone including Zeus starts to laugh] 

  Zeus : [sits on his throne]  Oh, I kill myself!

  Hades : [to himself]  If only. If only.

• Hades : How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.

  [a moment of silence occurs] 

  Hades : So this is an audience or a mosaic?

• Hades : We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.

• Hades : Zeusy, I'm home!

  Zeus : Hades, you are behind THIS?

  Hades : You are correct, sir!

• Hercules : People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?

  Hades : Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

• Hades : Stirring performances, boys. I was really moved.

  Panic : "Jeepers, Mister"?

  Pain : I was going for innocence.

• Hades : [after credits]  What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.

• Hades : Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?

  Pain : [sounds assertive at first]  I do not... know.

  Panic : You can't... they're immortal?

  Hades : Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.

• Hades : It's a small underworld, after all, huh?

• Hades : We were so close! So close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little nut, Meg has to go all noble.

• Hades : If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?

  Meg : [without much enthusiasm]  Medium or well done?

• Hades : I'm sorry. You hear that sound? It's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever.

  Meg : [coughs]  I don't care. I'm not going to help you hurt him.

  Hades : [sighs]  I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy.

  Meg : This one is different. He's honest, and he's sweet...

  Hades : Please!

  Meg : He would never do anything to hurt me.

  Hades : He's a guy!

  Meg : Besides, O Oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses. He's gonna...

  Hades : I think he does, Meg. I truly think he does.

  [envelops her in his arms] 

• Hades : [to Hercules]  You might feel just a little queasy. It's kinda natural. Maybe you should... sit down!

  [Hades knocks Hercules down with dumbbells] 

  Hades : Now you know how it feels to be like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?

• Hades : Ah. There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just...

  [Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly] 

  Hades : Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke.

• Hades : [Watching the Hydra prepare to defeat Hercules]  My favorite part of the game: sudden death.

• Hades : Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?

  Titans : Zeus!

  Hades : And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?

  Titans : Destroy him!

  Hades : Good answer.

• Hades : Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLE!

• Hades : Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian butt!

• Hades : Well, gotta blaze. I have a whole cosmos up there waiting for me... with, hey, my name on it.

• Hades : Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the River Guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... River Guardian-less.

  Meg : Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

• Hades : Brothers! Titans! Look at you, in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?

  Titans : ZEUS!

  Hades : [releases the Titans]  And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?

  Titans : DESTROY HIM!

  Hades : Good answer.

• [the souls dragged Hades "down the drain" of the River Styx] 

  Hades : Taxi. Taxi. I-I don't feel so good, I feel a little... *flushed*!

• Hades : [Hercules just punched him into the river Styx and the souls are all over him]  Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me.