Hercules (1997)
Danny DeVito: Phil
Photos
Quotes
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[Hercules has been trying to kill the hydra, which now has umpteen heads]
Phil : Will you forget the head-slicing thing?
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Phil : I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. Alotayusses! And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then, there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all: the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once, and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.
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Phil : Listen to me! She's...
Hercules : A dream come true?
Phil : Not exactly.
Hercules : More beautiful than Aphrodite?
Phil : Aside from that!
Hercules : The most wonderful...
Phil : She's a fraud! She's been playing ya' for a sap!
Hercules : Aw, come on. Stop kiddin' around.
Phil : I'm not kiddin' around.
Phil : I know your upset about today, but that's no reason to...
Phil : Kid, you're missin' the point.
Hercules : The point is I love her.
Phil : She don't love you.
Hercules : You're crazy.
Phil : She's nothing but a two-timin'...
Hercules : Stop it!
Phil : No good, lyin', schemin'...
Hercules : SHUT UP!
[hits Phil]
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Phil : [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do! / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a disappointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses, Thou-a-kid-a-Zeus's / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words...
[Hit by lightning]
Phil : O-K.
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Phil : What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?
Young Hercules : Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.
Phil : Call me Phil.
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Young Hercules : But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.
Phil : Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?
Young Hercules : Uh-huh.
Phil : [giggling] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus.
Phil : [mimics Zeus] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha.
Young Hercules : It's the truth.
Phil : Please.
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Phil : Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before.
Hercules : Really?
Phil : I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.
[the door bursts open and a swarm of fan girls mobs Hercules]
Fan Girl #1 : There he is!
Fan Girl #2 : I touched his elbow!
Fan Girl #1 : I GOT HIS SWEAT BAND!
Hercules : [goes down] Phil... help!
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Street Salesman : Hey, Mack...
[the Salesman opens his coat]
Phil : Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Street Salesman : You wanna buy a sundial?
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Meg : Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.
Phil : What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?
Meg : He won't listen to me.
Phil : Good! He's finally learned something.
Meg : Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about *him*. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.
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[after almost getting knocked down by a chariot]
Phil : Hey, I'm *walkin'* here!
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Phil : [sees Hercules bump his head on a relic] Careful, that's part of the mast of the Argo!
Young Hercules : The Argo?
Phil : Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail, Cleopatra?
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Phil : One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
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Young Hercules : I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.
Phil : Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.
Young Hercules : Wait.
[Hercules rips out the door trying to open it]
Young Hercules : Uh, sorry. Why not?
Phil : Two words: I-am-retired.
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Burnt Man : Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?
Phil : Watch it, pal!
Tall Thebian : Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!
Phil : You... I got your heel! Right here!
[Phil head-butts the Tall Thebian]
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Phil : Keep your toga on, pal.
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Phil : Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathalons, but this is the big leagues.
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Phil : Nymphs, they can't keep their hands off me.
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[Hercules and Phil get on Pegasus and fly off. Hercules is distracted thinking of Meg]
Phil : Hey, watch it!
[Pegasus dodges a branch]
Phil : [to the branch] Watch it!
[Phil turns Hercules' head]
Phil : . Keep your goo, goo eyes on the...
[Phil gets hit by another branch, causing him to fall off of Pegasus and hit his head on the ground]
Phil : [dizzy] That's it! Next time I drive...
[Phil faints]
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Phil : Don't you pea brains get it? This kid is the genuine article!
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Phil : I thought you were going to be the all-time champ, not the all-time chump.
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Phil : [about meg] SHE'S A FRAAUUUUUUD!
