Hercules (1997)

Bobcat Goldthwait: Pain

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hades : I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...

  [Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs] 

  Hades : What... are... those?

  Pain : Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...

  Hades : [slowly burns up]  I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?

  [Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"] 

  Panic : [chuckles nervously]  Thirsty?

  [Hades screams, and blows up a volcano] 

• Pain , Panic : [disguised as kids trapped in a rockslide]  Somebody call IX-I-I.

• Panic : He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.

  Pain : You mean, IF he gets outta there.

  Panic : 'If.' If is good.

• Panic : "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?

  Pain : I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

  Panic : Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?

  Panic , Pain : Oh, my Gods!

  Pain : Run for it!

  [Hades seizes them and chokes them] 

  Hades : So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?

  Pain : This might be a different Hercules!

  Panic : Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.

  Pain : Remember like a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?

  Hades : I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

• Hades : Pain!

  Pain : Coming, your most lugubriousness.

  Hades : Panic!

  Panic : Oh, sorry. I can handle it.

  [Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns] 

  Pain : Pain - Ow!

  Panic : And Panic - eechk!

  Pain , Panic : ...reporting for duty!

  Hades : Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.

  Panic : Oh, they're here!

  Hades : [shouting]  WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?

  Pain , Panic : [grovel]  We are worms!

  [as they grovel, they turn into worms] 

  Pain , Panic : Worthless worms!

  Hades : Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

• Hades : Stirring performances, boys. I was really moved.

  Panic : "Jeepers, Mister"?

  Pain : I was going for innocence.

• Hades : Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?

  Pain : [sounds assertive at first]  I do not... know.

  Panic : You can't... they're immortal?

  Hades : Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.

• [Meg encounters a rabbit and a gopher in the woods] 

  Meg : Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents lookin' for a theme park.

  Pain : [as rabbit]  Who are you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny.

  Panic : [as chipmunk]  A-And I'm his gopher.

• Panic : [after catching the eye the Fates use to see]  OH, Gross!

  Pain : It blinked!

• Pain : [as he and Panic patrol the now-imprisoned gods, bellowing]  Hup-two-three-four, c'mon, everybody. I can't *hear* you!

• Pain : [beaten up by Pegasus]  My intentions were pure! I really was attracted to you!