The Deadwood Thunderball (1969)

Dave Barry: Rattfink, Mayor, Crooked Three-Headed Boss, Rattfink's Mom

Quotes 

• Rattfink : You stupid horse!

• Crooked Stagecoach Businessman A : If that train goes through,

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman B : Our stagecoach business...

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman C : ...is ruined!

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman A : Rattfink, we're hiring you...

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman B : ...to stop him...

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman C : ...you dirty rat!

  [Pays the hit money] 

  Rattfink : [checks the money]  There's only one reason I stoop to these low-down schemes. It keeps me off welfare.

• Rattfink : [chops tree]  I'm through being subtle. If this tree across the tracks doesn't do it, my name ain't - -

  [trees falls on Rattfink] 

  Rattfink : [Rattfink's horse laughs at his rider] 

• Rattfink : [smacks his black horse and drags it away]  That'll teach you to horse around while we got a train to catch.

• Crooked Stagecoach Businessman A : Rattfink! You're not only a dirty rat,

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman B : ...you're a failure...

  Crooked Stagecoach Businessman C : ...as a dirty rat!

  Rattfink : Well, there's one thing out here in the west a man always has ONE friend.

  Rattfink's Horse : Yeah, his horse.

  Rattfink : No, his mother! Hi, Mom!

  Rattfink's Mother : [Shoots Rattfink]  You dirty rat! That'll teach you to shoot me and reverse the charges!

  Rattfink : [blackened from the blast, to the audience]  Th-that's my ma, full of laughs.

• Rattfink : [spreads melted butter]  Mother used to say: to stop the train, you butter the tracks. Good ol' Ma.

  [notices the train coming from behind and tries to escape, only to get caught in his own trap and got ran over] 

  Rattfink : [injured and covered in bandages, rings the telephone]  Butter the tracks... Hello, Mother?

  Rattfink's Mother : Yes, son?

  [Rattfink shoots his gun on the telephone speaker] 

• Roland : [checks watch]  10 minutes ahead of schedule. By George, that's bully.

  Rattfink : [points guns at Roland while on horseback]  You've got the count of three to stop this train! One... Two...

  [Rattfink and his horse crash into a wooden pole with a thud] 

• Roland : [singing]  I've been working on the railroad, all the livelong day...

  Rattfink : [points guns at Roland]  Alright, Caruso, let's try it again! One. Two. THREE~!

  [Rattfink and his horse fell from the cliff and into the river below] 

  Rattfink : [all wet]  You stupid horse!

• Rattfink : [holding dynamites]  I'll ram this down his coal stack, and KA-BLOOEY!

• A Man from the SPCA : [Rattfink is beating his horse]  Pardon me, sir. I'm from the SPCA. You know, the Humane Society. I wish you'd stopped beating that horse.

  Rattfink : Okay.

  [starts beating the man] 

  Rattfink : You got your wish.

  A Man from the SPCA : Now I wish there was an SPCA for people. Gosh, this hurts.

• Rattfink : Now I'm going to let you have it right in the boiler. One... Two...

  [run by buffaloes] 

• Rattfink : There is one way to stop this train I didn't think of.