- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman A: If that train goes through,
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman B: Our stagecoach business...
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman C: ...is ruined!
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman A: Rattfink, we're hiring you...
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman B: ...to stop him...
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman C: ...you dirty rat!
- [Pays the hit money]
- Rattfink: [checks the money] There's only one reason I stoop to these low-down schemes. It keeps me off welfare.
- Rattfink: [smacks his black horse and drags it away] That'll teach you to horse around while we got a train to catch.
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman A: Rattfink! You're not only a dirty rat,
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman B: ...you're a failure...
- Crooked Stagecoach Businessman C: ...as a dirty rat!
- Rattfink: Well, there's one thing out here in the west a man always has ONE friend.
- Rattfink's Horse: Yeah, his horse.
- Rattfink: No, his mother! Hi, Mom!
- Rattfink's Mother: [Shoots Rattfink] You dirty rat! That'll teach you to shoot me and reverse the charges!
- Rattfink: [blackened from the blast, to the audience] Th-that's my ma, full of laughs.
- Rattfink: [spreads melted butter] Mother used to say: to stop the train, you butter the tracks. Good ol' Ma.
- [notices the train coming from behind and tries to escape, only to get caught in his own trap and got ran over]
- Rattfink: [injured and covered in bandages, rings the telephone] Butter the tracks... Hello, Mother?
- Rattfink's Mother: Yes, son?
- [Rattfink shoots his gun on the telephone speaker]
- Railroad President: Friends, on this historic occasion, I, the president of this here railroad, do hereby set the golden spike, joining Dart City with Deadwood by rail...
- Roland: ...And opening up the west for progress.
- Railroad President: And now sir, drive in the spike.
- Roland: [Roland accidentally hits Railroad President] Good heavens! I goofed!
- A Man from the SPCA: [Rattfink is beating his horse] Pardon me, sir. I'm from the SPCA. You know, the Humane Society. I wish you'd stopped beating that horse.
- Rattfink: Okay.
- [starts beating the man]
- Rattfink: You got your wish.
- A Man from the SPCA: Now I wish there was an SPCA for people. Gosh, this hurts.