Bill Hicks: Revelations (1993 TV Special)

Bill Hicks: Self

Quotes 

• Bill Hicks : The world is like a ride at an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real, cause that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round; it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun... for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, and they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid - EVER - because... this is just a ride." And we... KILL those people. "Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride - SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry! Look at my big bank account, and my family! This just HAS to be real!" It's just a ride. And we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because... it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride: Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over - not one human being excluded - and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

• Bill Hicks : It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

• Bill Hicks : But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from. Ha, I missed that fucking meeting, okay? "It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle." No it's not. No more than a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is. If, you wanna know what a miracle is: raisin' a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there, there, there is a goddam miracle. It's not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. "Hallelujah!" Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles. Thunk, thunk, thunk, like frogs laying eggs. "Thunk, look at all my little miracles, thunk, filling up my trailer like a sardine can. Thunk. You know what would be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy's name, aargh, thunk. I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That's all I remember about your daddy was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby, urgh. There's your brother, Pizza Delivery Boy Junior."

• Bill Hicks : You know, the world's twelve-thousand years old, and dinosaurs existed in that time, you'd think it would've been mentioned in the fucking bible at some point. "And o, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth, but the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus with a splinter in his paw. And o, the disciples did run a-shrieking 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord.' But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus' paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a Loch for oh so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you, Lord."

• Bill Hicks : A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross?

• Bill Hicks : By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill yourself.

  [audience laughs and claps] 

  Bill Hicks : Thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root. I don't know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously though, if you are, do.

  [audience laughs] 

  Bill Hicks : Aaah, no really, there's no rationalisation for what you do and you are Satan's little helpers, okay? Kill yourself, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, no, this is not a joke, you're going, "there's gonna to be a joke coming," there's no fucking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself.

  [audience claps and whoops] 

  Bill Hicks : Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, "he's doing a joke..." there's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend. I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations. Machi... whatever, you know what I mean. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too, "Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart."

  [audience laughs] 

  Bill Hicks : Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags. "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing." Goddammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags. Quit putting a goddamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! "Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market. Bill's very bright to do that." God, I'm just caught in a fucking web. "Ooh, the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market. Look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar..." God, how do you live like that? I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you? "What did ya do tonight honey?" "Oh, we made ah, we made ah, arsenic ah, childhood food now, goodnight."

  [lays down and snores] 

  Bill Hicks : "Yeah, we just said you know is your baby really too loud? You know?"

  [snores] 

  Bill Hicks : "Yeah, it'll... you know the mums will love it."

  [snores] 

  Bill Hicks : [stands up]  Sleep like fucking children, don't you? This is your world isn't it?

• Bill Hicks : You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

• Bill Hicks : I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am, so that's the way it comes out.

• Bill Hicks : [Talking about Basic Instinct]  All of the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film... because the test audience... was TURNED OFF by them.

  [pause; laughs] 

  Bill Hicks : Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don't wanna seem like Randy Pan the Goatboy, but uh... that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out protesting that film would've been Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in.

  [as Michael Douglas] 

  Bill Hicks : "I swear I was in that movie! I swear I was!"

  [as himself] 

  Bill Hicks : Gee, Mike. The movie started; Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half... then the credits rolled. I don't remember seeing your scrawny ass, Mike.

  [as Michael] 

  Bill Hicks : "Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?"

  [as Goatboy, laughing] 

  Bill Hicks : Goatboy called it like he saw it, Mikey! You made your 14 mil, now hit the fucking road! Goatboy is inviting some people over to see the video premiere... of the Goatboy Edited Version.

• Bill Hicks : "What do you want, Goatboy? You big ol' smelly, shaggy thing?" "Hurr hurr hurr hurr hurr hurr... Goatboy is here to please you."

  [pause] 

  Bill Hicks : "How?" "Hurr hurr hurr hurr hurr hurr... tie me to your headboard. Throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feedbag!"

  [begins to simulate cunnilingus as the audience laughs] 

  Bill Hicks : "Hold on to my horns." "Goatboy!" "Yes, my love?" "You're a big ol' smelly thing." "Hurr hurr hurr..."

  [Long pause] 

  Bill Hicks : I need professional help at this point.