That '70s Show (1998–2006)

Debra Jo Rupp: Kitty Forman

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Quotes 

• Kitty Forman : I need someone who can take evil

  [Laurie walks in] 

  Kitty Forman : How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.

  Laurie Forman : Not interested.

  Kitty Forman : It pays 10 dollars.

  Laurie Forman : I'll do anything for ten dollars.

  Kitty Forman : For once that's a good thing.

• [on Kitty's mother-in-law] 

  Kitty Forman : Red's mother is coming.

  Midge Pinciotti : What's that pet name she has for you?

  Kitty Forman : Whore.

• Red : [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again]  Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?

  Eric : I said no.

  Red : What the Hell is wrong with you?

  Kitty Forman : Dumbass!

  [Red looks at Kitty in surprise] 

  Eric : Look, I have my reasons, okay?

  Red : What the Hell could they possibly be?

  Eric : Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?

  Red : You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

• [Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out] 

  Kitty Forman : Red, say something.

  Red Forman : It's more fun than it looks.

• Kitty Forman : All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.

• Kitty Forman : I have bad news. Midge left Bob.

  Eric : Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.

• Kitty Forman : Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?

• [Red stole Bob's Christmas lights] 

  Kitty Forman : Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!

• Eric : Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.

  Kitty Forman : Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.

  Eric : But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.

• Kitty Forman : I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.

  Eric : Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."

• Kitty Forman : Sex, it's not dirty.

  Red Forman : It's not clean either.

• [repeated line] 

  Kitty Forman : Oh, Red you do care.

• Kitty Forman : I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'

• Eric : I got a B.

  Red Forman : You couldn't get an A?

  Kitty Forman : Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.

  Eric : Why does he get a duper?

• [Cooking] 

  Kitty Forman : Where's my brown sugar?

  Fez : I'm right here, sweetie pie.

• [after setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner] 

  Kitty Forman : I feel like I'm forgetting something...

  [the phone rings] 

  Kitty Forman : Oh, my God, I forgot your mom.

• Kitty Forman : You kids change partners more than square dancers.

• Red : Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

  Laurie Forman : Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

  Kitty Forman : Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.

  [Eric just looks down] 

  Kitty Forman : Look at me.

  [Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex] 

  Kitty Forman : Do you have fever?

  Red : [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too]  I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.

  Kitty Forman : [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest]  Eric, is something bothering you?

  Eric : [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times]  God, make it stop!

  [leaves the table] 

• Red Forman : Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.

  Kitty Forman : Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.

• [on Valentine's day] 

  Kitty Forman : Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.

  [Awkward pause] 

  Kitty Forman : OK.

  [Kitty and Red start leaving] 

  Red Forman : Kitty, that was bad.

  Kitty Forman : I know, keep walking.

  [Kitt and Red finally leave] 

  Eric : Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

• Kitty Forman : Bed checks, here we come.

  Red Forman : Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.

  Kitty Forman : I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.

• Kitty Forman : Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.

  Red Forman : Like a hippie.

  Kitty Forman : Is there something you want to tell us?

  Red Forman : Are you on dope? Are you?

  Kitty Forman : Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...

  Red Forman : ...my foot kickin' your ass.

• Ricky : Forman, who told you you could go on break?

  Kitty Forman : I did.

  Ricky : And who are you?

  Kitty Forman : I'm his mother.

  Ricky : Good enough.

• [Red on Laurie and Michael] 

  Red Forman : This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.

  Kitty Forman : Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.

• Red Forman : [to Steven]  If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.

  Kitty Forman : And we love you.

• Kitty Forman : [to Michael]  What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

  Michael Kelso : Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.

• [Kitty wants to redecorate the basement] 

  Red Forman : This is going to be expensive, isn't it?

  Kitty Forman : Maybe.

  Red Forman : Don't you like anything cheap?

  Kitty Forman : I like you.

• Kitty Forman : Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

  Red Forman : Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.

• Kitty Forman : I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.

• Red : [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral] 

  Red : Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?

  Kitty Forman : You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.

• Kitty Forman : [about her mother]  Dad, what is wrong with that woman?

  Burt : Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary".

• Kitty Forman : My parents are coming tomorrow.

  Red Forman : Oh, crap.

  Kitty Forman : Red.

  Donna Pinciotti : What's wrong with them.

  Kitty Forman : It's a complicated situation.

  Eric : Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

• Jackie Burkhardt : [about Hyde]  What he needs is a kick in the nads.

  Kitty Forman : It's the holidays, we say 'sleigh bells'.

• Michael Kelso : [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date]  Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.

  Steven Hyde : Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.

  Kitty Forman : Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.

• Red Forman : Oh and uh, here's a 20.

  Laurie Forman : Will that cover for gas?

  Kitty Forman : Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.

  Eric : You know, I could use some gas money.

  Red Forman : [laughs]  Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.

• Red Forman : Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.

  Kitty Forman : Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.

• Kitty Forman : How's it going?

  Red Forman : Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

• Kitty Forman : I want to have a baby.

  Red Forman : You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to.

• [Kelso brought Fez to the Piggly Wiggly to meet attractive, older women] 

  Kitty Forman : How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson?

  Michael Kelso : No. That's a lie.

  Kitty Forman : What?

  Michael Kelso : [nervously]  What?

  Kitty Forman : What?

  Michael Kelso : [nervously]  What?

• [Eric just announced his plans to move away] 

  Red Forman : I'm proud of you.

  Kitty Forman : And that goes double for... what the hell did you say?

• Kitty Forman : G.I. Joe!

• Red Forman : Why am I doing this?

  Kitty Forman : Because I want to force some good cheer into your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano.

• Kitty Forman : Wait. Are you saying you LIKE Randy?

  Red Forman : No... I'm just saying I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.

• Kitty Forman : Honey, pretty girls don't throw up.

• Kitty Forman : [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game]  What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?

  Kelso : Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!

  [shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old] 

• [Bob's Christmas decorations are so bright and loud they wake up Red and Kitty] 

  Kitty Forman : It's the Russians.

• Red Forman : So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?

  Kitty Forman : I guess so.

  Red Forman : Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.

  Kitty Forman : And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.

  Red Forman : Deal.

• Kitty Forman : You know I love my family. But sometimes, I just want to get in my car and run them all over.

• [Kitty presents the Thanksgiving turkey] 

  Kitty Forman : Ok, who likes dark meat?

  Fez : Hey, who doesn't? Am I right ladies?

• Kitty Forman : [at church fundraiser]  Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle.

  Red Forman : I'm your man.

  Kitty Forman : Don't yell at the customers.

  Red Forman : I'm... kinda your man.

  Kitty Forman : And smile.

  Red Forman : You need another man.

• Red Forman : [looking in bag of pot]  Is this what I think it is?

  Michael Kelso : If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!

  Kitty Forman : Honey, paprika is red.

  Michael Kelso : If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!

• Ms. McGee : Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you.

  Kitty Forman : I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle.

  Michael Kelso : Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader.

• Eric : She's the woman, I'm the man. I have to do better on that test.

  Kitty Forman : Don't worry if Donna's smarter than you. I'd take a dummy over a jackass any day.

  Eric : Which one am I?

  Kitty Forman : Well, honey, right now you're both.

• Kitty Forman : Honey, Michael may have an incredible built and movie-star good looks. But, you're much smarter.

  Eric : Why didn't you say that when everyone was around?

  Kitty Forman : Well, I didn't want anybody to feel bad.

  Eric : Good job.

• Kitty Forman : Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember now, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow who never calls a child 'dumbass.'

• [Kitty enters as Eric and Donna are holding hands] 

  Eric : Hey, it's my mom.

  Kitty Forman : You two make me sick.

  Eric : And she's talking like my dad.

• Leo : Hi, Red. Would you give these to Kitty, please?

  [hands Red flowers] 

  Leo : Oh, and tell her I love her. Thanks.

  [leaves] 

  Red Forman : Oh, Kitty. These are for you. Looks like you got a date with a stoner.

  [Red and Kitty laugh] 

  Kitty Forman : [takes flowers and reads attached note]  "Roses are red, violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."

• Kitty Forman : Ok, I need two people with keen feminine sensibilities to decorate Steven's party... so it's Jackie... and Fez.

  [Kitty leaves] 

  Fez : Yay.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Come on Fez, let's go.

  [Fez and Jackie leave] 

  Donna Pinciotti : What the hell does she mean? I'm feminine. I oughta kick her ass for that...

• Kitty Forman : Ok. Ok. Let's just keep the game going.

  [picks a card] 

  Kitty Forman : Donna. If you were a shoe, whose shoe would you be?

  Donna Pinciotti : Well, I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe because it's about to go into somebody's ass.

• [the kids want to throw a party] 

  Red Forman : Why here? Why is it always here?

  Kitty Forman : Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?

  Red Forman : Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.

• Kitty Forman : You know, maybe Eric's test score is a blessing. It will be a good story when he's a senator.

  Red Forman : Senator? The word you're looking for is JANITOR.

• [the family goes to the Price Mart Ball] 

  Eric : I could get a date.

  [Red laughs] 

  Eric : I've got numbers, buddy.

  Kitty Forman : Sure you do, honey. You're number one with me.

• Kitty Forman : [about Laurie]  Rosemary had a better baby than me.

• Midge Pinciotti : Not only that, but Bob says my ideas are stupid.

  Kitty Forman : Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

  Midge Pinciotti : I know... What?

• Bernice Forman : So, Kitty, Eric tells me you quit smoking.

  Kitty Forman : Yes. Yes, I did, and I feel great.

  Bernice Forman : [lights a cigarette]  That's great.

  [blows smoke in Kitty's face] 

• [Laurie moves out] 

  Red Forman : Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?

  Kitty Forman : Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty.

  Red Forman : You're never too old to burn to death in a fire.

• Kitty Forman : Eric, you should go with your father.

  Eric : But, mom...

  Kitty Forman : No buts. You two don't spend enough time together.

  Eric : That's because he doesn't like me.

• Red Forman : Eric's old enough to hear this kind of talk. Eric, say your job got transferred to Guada-Who-The-Hell-Cares. Would you vote for the guy that did that?

  Kitty Forman : Oh, Red, Ford didn't take away your job. He took Nixon's.

• Kitty Forman : Where did you learn your parenting?

  Red Forman : Korea.

• [Kitty has just come home from work] 

  Kitty Forman : Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop.

  Eric : Mom, I'm 17.

  Kitty Forman : I know. That's why I also brought you condoms.

  Eric , Red : Ehhhhhhh.

  Kitty Forman : You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you.

  Eric : Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.

  [gets up and leaves] 

  Kitty Forman : Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms.

  Eric : I was wrong.

• Kitty Forman : Red, Bob was very upset when he left here.

  Red Forman : Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants.

• Red Forman : Kitty, I think we should rethink our 'Don't throw Leo out on his ass policy.'

  Kitty Forman : No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.

  Leo : ...and plus I can't find my shoes, man.

• Kitty Forman : You're my special little baby boy.

  [Hyde makes kissy faces at Eric] 

  Eric : Mom. We talked about this. I'm not a boy anymore. I'm a man...

  Kitty Forman : Okay... My special little baby man.

  [kisses him, giggles and runs away] 

  Eric : [to Hyde]  You are so lucky that your mom's a runaway alcoholic.

• Kitty Forman : Steven's father is in town?

  Laurie Forman : Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.

  [gets up and leaves] 

  Red Forman : Do you know anything about this?

  Eric : Yeah. She's a bitch.

• [Kitty's father has just passed in the emergency room] 

  Kitty Forman : I don't know how to say this... Daddy's gone to a better place.

  Michael Kelso : Good, 'cause this hospital sucks.

  [Kelso gets an angry look from everyone] 

  Michael Kelso : What?

  [Kelso realizes] 

  Michael Kelso : Oh. (whispering) This hospital sucks.

• [on Bob] 

  Red Forman : I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job.

  Kitty Forman : Oh Red, you insult him everyday.

  Red Forman : But that's different. He thinks I'm kidding.

• Red Forman : I don't see why we have to spend the night. It only took me ten minutes to catch up with everybody at my reunion.

  Kitty Forman : Red, standing in the corner by yourself muttering "Dumbass" at everyone doesn't count as "catching up".

• Kitty Forman : Eric, there's someone here to see you.

  Eric : Mom, if this is another one of dad's Marine Corps recruiters I swear I'm running away.

• Kitty Forman : Red hates you.

  Fez : Oh, don't be silly. Red loves me.

  Kitty Forman : You gave him a heart attack.

  Eric : Mom, maybe Dad loved Fez so much that his heart just... exploded.

• Kitty Forman : Steven, if you keep saying things like that it's gonna be really hard for me to pretend I don't know what you're talking about.

  Steven Hyde : Well, then, I'll just leave because it's just too easy. Just like Laurie.

• [after finding out Red's mom isn't spending Thanksgiving with them] 

  Kitty Forman : I don't need to kiss some old lady's A-S-S on my holiday.

  [Laurie, Eric, and Red just look at her] 

  Kitty Forman : You heard what I spelled.

• [Kitty wants Hyde to move in with them] 

  Red : For God's sake, Kitty, I'm not Santa Claus.

  Kitty Forman : Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red. You scare the hell out of children.

• Red Forman : If one more person tells me to 'shut it'...

  Kitty Forman : You might actually 'shut it'?

• Eric : [after having sex with Donna]  Well, Donna and I are back together!

  Kitty Forman : Oh, good, did you two talk things out?

  Eric : Actually we... yeah, we talked things out.

  Steven Hyde : More like grunted.

  Eric : Shut up!

  Steven Hyde : [once Kitty leaves]  Okay man, give me all the details.

  Eric : Oh, there will be detail o'plenty, in my steamy letter to Penthouse.

  [Hyde smiles and nods] 

  Eric : And my mom's still here isn't she?

  [Hyde nods, Eric turns to see Kitty glaring at him] 

• Kitty Forman : Good, Donna, come up and eat with us, I need all the help I can get. Oh not you Steven, Grandma doesn't like you.

  Donna : You lucky bastard

• Eric : Dad just got sued by a co-worker for wrongful termination.

  Kitty Forman : Well if the news is so unpleasant I'm ignoring it. Here, have a cupcake.

  Eric : Mom, did you hear what I said? Dad is getting sued for wrongful termination by Earl.

  Kitty Forman : Earl? He didn't do his job, he was always late and he was a complete dumbass... person.

  Eric : Mom, you said ass.

  Kitty Forman : So did you, now give me back the cupcake.

  Eric : Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how to tell him.

  [Red enters the house] 

  Red Foreman : Tell me what?

  Eric : Oh, mom said the ass word.

  Kitty Forman : Give me that.

  Eric : You know what, mom, I got this one. Whoever here is not being sued by Earl for illegal termination, raise your hand.

• [about Hyde's house] 

  Kitty Forman : He really shouldn't be here.

  Red : It's not so bad. Compared to Korea, this is Shangri-La wrapped in happy-fun candy.

• Kitty Forman : Honey, we're all going through hard times. You're giving up your future. I'm giving up my schnapps.

• Red : Kitty, why is it we always do what you want to do and never do what I want to do?

  Kitty Forman : It's in the Bible.

• Kitty Forman : So, Eric, have you made your Christmas list for Santa yet?

  Eric : Well, um, I was going to, but then I turned 10.

• Kitty Forman : It's Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway.

• Kitty Forman : I don't have to have a reason. It's right. I'm your mother. Now move.

• Kitty Forman : I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter in their celery.

• Eric : And then, they go into this bar, and there are all these space creatures, and then, someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi Wan Kenobi, and then, he takes out his light saber, and goes WOOSH and he chops this guard's arm right off! Cause it's a saber that's made out of light.

  Kitty Forman : Well, you know, this, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie!

• [after learning the Red's getting a new job] 

  Kitty Forman : Oh! And to think how close we came to losing the house!

  Eric : Losing the-mom, you said we were fine!

  Kitty Forman : Oh, Eric, honey, I lied!

• Kitty Forman : Eric, David's here!

  Fez : The scoliosis asthma freak is here? I cannot wait to see this!

• Kitty Forman : Here you are, Red. Breakfast, egg whites only.

  Red Forman : But the yellow part's the baby bird. That's the part I want to eat!

• Kitty Forman : [Bob just gave Red a pair of shoes]  Oh, look. He gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?

  Red Forman : What the hell is wrong with you?

• Kitty Forman : Now Eric's leaving. What am I supposed to do?

  Red Forman : Well, there's a car show in Kenosha this weekend.

  Kitty Forman : A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in fucking Kenosha! I want 3 more fucking months with my baby boy! I can't do that now because of your bullshit! Way to go, dumbass!

• Kitty Forman : [right after Eric accused Mitch of stealing his Darth Vader action figure]  Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your doll?

  Eric : ACTION FIGURE... uh-oh.

• Donna Pinciotti : [after Jackie's mom agrees to move in with her dad]  But I don't want to see any of her panties around the house.

  Kitty Forman : [referring to Jackie's mom not having a panty line]  Oh don't worry, you won't.

• Bob Pinciotti : [at Thanksgiving dinner, Bob is reading out what someone wrote they're thankful for]  I think I got Red's. The only words I can say are "Eric", "little" and a word that starts with mother.

  Kitty Forman : Oh... mother. That sounds nice.

  Bob Pinciotti : It's a hard left after.

• Red Forman : Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give to a man.

  Kitty Forman : How about when you joined the army, another man issued your boots?

  Red Forman : So he gave me a gun so I let it go.

  Kitty Forman : Why can't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend?

  Red Forman : Kitty you don't understand. We don't give each other presents. We ignore each other.

• Red Forman : Bob, that's my stuff. You put the hell back my stuff.

  Bob Pinciotti : Sorry, Red, it was in my part of the garage.

  Kitty Forman : What's he talking about?

  Red Forman : Kitty, let me talk to him.

  Red Forman : Bob, get the hell out of my garage!

  Bob Pinciotti : [upset]  Fine!

• Kitty Forman : [to Red and Eric]  Now stop fighting and help me do this crossword. I need a 4-letter word for disappointment

  Red Forman : Eric.

  [glares at Eric] 

  Kitty Forman : [looks up nervously]  It fits...

• Kitty Forman : [to Laurie and Eric on going to church]  I trust you two to make the right choice.

  [thinks, then looks at Eric] 

  Kitty Forman : No, I trust *you* to make the right choice and bring her with you.

• Donna Pinciotti : [after Charlie fell off the water tower]  That was a pretty awkward landing, I hope he's OK.

  Michael Kelso : Of course he's OK, it's not like anyone's ever died falling off the water tower.

  Kitty Forman : [next scene]  And so they renamed it The Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

• Kitty Forman : I don't know why they call it fondue, they should call it *fun*due, cause it sure is fun!

  Midge Pinciotti : [with a big smile]  I love fondue! It's gourmet!