- Otto Petersen: Otto and I would like to preform some classic ventrilquism now. Otto here is going to drink a glass of water, and blow me.
- Monty Hoffman: This kid walks up to me says "Are you the guy from the Operation game?" I said "no, I'm a fucking ninja!"
- Larry Scarano: Did you guys see Madonna in playboy? Man, hairy armpits! First time I saw the picture, I didn't know which way to hold the magazine. Invite two of your friends. Someone's bound to get the pot of gold.
- Jackie Martling: Did you know that things are so bad now in New York city, That you can now catch aids from a public toilet seat! If you sit down before the last guy gets up!
- Chris Rock: I was born a suspect. Anything that happened within a 12 block radius, I was a suspect. I'd walk down the street and see little old ladies watching me from their windows and they'd dial 9 1... and just wait for me to do something.
- John Fox: Two guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After a week the girls so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week goes by, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her! After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her back up again!
- Monty Hoffman: I got something every man wants. Tits! I know what you ladies are thinking. You're thinking "What a hunka hunka burning love". Some people think i look like Elvis. About 3 hours before his death. It doesn't matter, I know in a few years I'll be a sex god. Ladies will scream "There's a fat one, he ain't got aids, get him!"
- Self - Host: Hey, I know you. You're an actor, right? I saw your film last night. I didn't get to finish it tho, I ran out of quarters. I'm just kidding, I had plenty of quarters, I saw the whole thing, you where great.
- Larry Scarano: Yuppies. These guys took every drug known to man in the 60s. Now they're in offices bitching about preservatives in potato chips. Hendrix was a guy who knew when to leave the planet. Barry Manilow gets a hit record. "I gotta go, man". Yup, Hendrix knew when to leave the planet.
- Chris Rock: So I'm 21. I live at home. But i have friends that are 28 and live at home, that's pathetic. The only thing worse than a 28 year old man that lives at home is any girl willing to sneak into his room.
- Otto Petersen: Im uncomfortable. I gotta work with your hand up my ass. I gotta take a shit and eveything.
- John Fox: I was a painter for 5 years. 5 long years. I didn't think I'd ever finish that fucking house.
- John Fox: What about people who write porno movies? Now there's a sick individual. Who writes a pornographic movie? There's no plot to these things. A woman goes to K-Mart to buy a toothbrush and figures "while I'm here, I might as well blow somebody". Never happens when I'm in K-Mart. Else id be there all tje time. "Attention "K-Mart shoppers. We're having a blue light special. Everyone with 6 inches or less into the express lane please.
- Otto Petersen: I'm gonna go to Maceys and fuck the mannequins. Theyre nice and tight. I'm gonna fuck the whole store. I'll fuck the 1st and second floor, you fuck the 3rd... .. that's lawnmowers you dopey cocksuckin prick.
- Tim Allen: Men love shit, and they love talking about it. Men always look back down in the bowl like it's a creation. Lalaa, look what I've donnnnne. Hey honey, bring the camera. Men will put a hook through it and hold it up like a fish.
- Thea Vidale: We outta get all the tiny limp dick men together and form a group called The Fuckless Wonders of America.
- Monty Hoffman: I had a relationship going once. I lived with this woman for 14 days. Then she chewed through the ropes and got free.
- Monty Hoffman: One time I got really drunk and came home and abused my wife and kids. Then i realised I was in the the wrong apartment! And I'm single!
- Monty Hoffman: I know what you're thinking. "This guy did coke for 3 years? What was it laced with butter?"
- Monty Hoffman: I like kinky girls myself. Women always talk dirty to me in bed. They say, "GET OFF ME YA FAT BASTARD"
- Monty Hoffman: I was driving around Brooklyn and got into an automobile accident. I took it to a mechanic and asked him to give me a rough estimate. So he kicks me in the nuts and says "$450"
- Chris Rock: Do you guys remember the first time you had your finger in a girl? You walked all the way home smelling your finger. You saw your friends
- [shoved your finger under their nose]
- Chris Rock: ... SHARON!
- Chris Rock: My mom likes to clean my room. Then she finds my dirty magazines. Whenever your mother takes your dirty magazines, you can't say anything about it. She dont say nothing, you dont say nothing. Then I'm sitting down eating breakfast with my mother and there's a tension at the table like I'm some pervert she's given birth to. So I try to play it innocent like, "Hey mom, have you seen my baseball glove?" And she says, "Why don't you check the PENTHOUSE?" Sometimes you don't find out your mother took your books until it's too late. It's 3am, you're ready to jerk off, but there's no book. So you gotta search the house for anything with a picture of a woman on it. Finally you settle on Aunt Gemima. You looking at her. She looking at you. The imagination kicks in. She takes that old rag off her head... hits the floor, big fat ass, big ole black titties hanging out the sides. Shes looking real good. Then she starts talking dirty to you. "Oh yeah, come on baby, let me suck it now, come on now, spread them cheeks, this your auntie talking, come on now, give it to me" and just before you cum, Uncle Ben gets off his box "Hey, leave her alone, that's my bitch"
- Larry Scarano: You like pot, huh? Not as much as the sandwich bag company. What do they thinks going on? There's some sort of sandwich glut in America?
- Larry Scarano: Ain't the homeless a pain in the ass? You drive past them at 8:30 at night. They're in their boxes sleeping like they gotta get up tommorow and do something. Fuck it. Stay up, have a party.
- Larry Scarano: I saw my all-time favorite Enquireor headline last month. It said "Two headed woman gives birth". You'd figure this guy would just settle for a blow job?
- Chris Rock: The reason Jessie Jackson didn't win is because Jews didn't vote for him. Which left rednecks very confused. On one hand they always wanted to vote for a Jew hater... turns out to be a nigger! You know they had a plot to kill Jessie? He's losing by a landslide, but that's too close for some people. Rednecks are confused again. On one hand, they want him dead. On the other, they don't wanna celebrate that holiday.
- Self - Host: Give it up for Stephenie Hodge. You like her? Too bad she's got a dick! Our next comedians motto is "give me pussy, or give me pussy"
- John Fox: Two fire fighters are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "what's going on"? The fireman says, Sir, this man has smoke inhalation". The chief says, "Why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?" He said, "I did, how do you think this shit got started?"
- John Fox: One time this lady went to her doctor all pissed off. She said, "Look you son of a bitch. Those pills you got me on are just a little too strong. Now I've got hair growing all over my titties!" The doctor said how far does it go? She said, "Right down to my dick, and that's another thing I wanna talk to you about"
- John Fox: I'm breaking up with my girlfriend this week. We're at that stage where you know it's not working, but you hate to lose that stereo. She's not that bright. She called me up and said, "The light bulbs burned out in the bathroom and I don't know how to change it?" I said, "Step one. Fill the tub with water"
- John Fox: Ever had a screamer in bed? Sometimes you don't know till you're having sex. She starts screaming, "IM CUMMING, IM CUMMING" First time I found out was 3am, i have a teeny tiny apartment. Residential neighbourhood. She's yelling, "IM CUMMING, IM CUMMING". Well she's riding the baloney pony to heaven, ladies and gentlemen. I've got that soldier marching. She's yelling, IM CUMMING" it's 3am. Quite. Residentional. Neighbourhood. I'm slamming some ham. I'm taking the skin bus to tuna town. She's screaming "IM CUMMING, IM CUMMING". The neoghbour bangs on the wall, MAKE HER CUM GOD DAMMIT, MAKE HER CUM. MAKE HER CUM, I GOTTA BE UP FOR WORK AT 6:30 SO MAKE HER CUM. YOU MAKE HER CUM OR I WILL DAMN IT. MAKE HER CUM. I GOT 3 KIDS IN HERE WANNA KNOW WHERE SHES GOING? SO MAKE HER CUM"
- John Fox: One time this gay guy came in and had a 12 inch vibrator stuck up his ass. He said, "I don't know how it got there!". The doc said, "Well maybe the gerbil dragged it in?" The doc said it would be 500 dollars to have it removed. The gay guy says, "$500? How much just to change the batteries?"
- John Fox: A lot of motels offer cable movies. Which scares me. How do I know if I'm in room 6, that I'm not the movie in room 7? Makes it awkward in the parking lot in the morning. Someone comes up and says, "Hey, aren't you Bronco Bob? How'd you get that lamp up your ass so fast?"
- John Fox: You guys like to go to porno movies? You gotta be 18 or accompanied by a trench coat to get in. It was three-dimensional. A 3-D porno movie! I sat too close to the screen. Somebody had an orgasm. I yelled "Duck!" I noticed the man sitting near me bought his blow up doll. I could not beleive it. I was thouroughly disgusted. I grabbed my sheep and said, Honey, let's get the flock out of here. This a bahhhhhd movie"
- Otto Petersen: Look at this shit. They gave me my own microphone. Stupid cocksuckers think I'm real!
- Otto Petersen: Hey, how many of you masturbate? Raise your good hand. I ain't ashamed to admit it. I beat my wood! I tried phone sex today. It was terrible. My dick got caught in the 9! That party line is a bunch of shit. They show these beautiful girls in the commercial, but the reality of it is it's 20,000 guys jerking off to one fat bitch in Jersey.
- Otto Petersen: George. Watch your language. There are ladies here.
- [George]
- Otto Petersen: There's ladies here? BLOW JOBS! PROTEIN SLURPEES!
- Steven Pearl: [Impression of Ray Charles] Is this the microphone or someone lock me in the mems room again? Can I get some moonlighting Oh that's perfect.
- Steven Pearl: Frank Sinatra could sing the stupidest shit and make it sound great.
- [sings like Frank]
- Steven Pearl: If the lady's got 6 elbows and a horn between her eyes. If shes got what looks lile a patato bulging down between her thighs. If shes gotta shave, twice a day and once again at 5. The chances are, ho, this chick is a guy!
- Otto Petersen: I drive a taxi cab here in NYC. Any of you cheap bastards recognise me
- [Spins dolls head around]