- Larry Garnett: It's like a hooker taking a trick to court to get him to pay.
- Holly: Don't call my best friend a hooker.
- Larry Garnett: That's right, a hooker tells you the price up front.
- Seth: [in the shower] Oh my God! My hair is falling out!
- Chelsea: You know stress will do that to ya!
- Seth: Holy shit! It's really falling out!
- [hair begins to fall out rapidly]
- Seth: Oh my God! AHHH! OH! OOOHH!
- [steps out of shower and looks into mirror]
- Seth: AHHHHHHHHHHH! What did you do to me?
- Chelsea: I didn't do anything! You must have used my hair remover instead of your conditioner
- Seth: Noo! YOU PUT SOME IN THERE TO FUCK WITH ME!
- Chelsea: No, I didn't! I swear!
- Seth: Ooooohhhhh you are the fuckin' devil! THE DEVIL!
- Chelsea: [Sleeping in bed with Seth, he farts and the pets disperse] Ugh, you are such a pig!
- Seth: Oh... man, I am so sorry! You know I had beans and broccoli for dinner and I washed them down with some crab cakes...
- [farts loudly]
- Seth: OH!...
- Chelsea: [simultaneously] EWWW! Ew! Ew!
- Seth: Goodness! I am so sorry. Would you like to spoon me? Because, I feel like I'm past the worst of it, and I need some cuddle-time - Oh, wait, no, I was wrong. Incoming!
- [farts]
- Seth: OH!...
- Chelsea: [simultaneously] Ugh, you're sick! Ew!
- Seth: My goodness! Keeping the neighbors up, huh? Feet are on fire. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
- [farts rapidly, four times]
- Seth: Oh man! I've got skills! I've got game! Ah... mmmm - oh!
- [farts loudly]
- Seth: Ole!
- [on phone answering machine]
- Seth: If you have a message for me leave it after the beep and if you have a message for Chelsea then you REALLY HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF WHY.
- Rebecca Melini: [after a script reading] What the fuck is happening to my character? Every week she's getting bitchier and more desperate. Who thinks this is funny?
- [other writers look at Seth]
- Seth: I find that all the best humor comes from life.
- Rebecca Melini: Not your life.
- Jesse Travis: Yeah, you better fix this shit. 'Cause your fucked-up life is fucking up my show. Ratings are going down, my personal TVQ is going down and worst of all, Seth, the quality of my babes is going down.
- Larry Garnett: You're not mad at me, though, right?