Small Time Crooks (2000)

Woody Allen: Ray

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Ray : Remember my nickname when we were in the joint?

  Benny : The Brain?

  Ray : The Brain. That's what the guys used to call me, right?

  Benny : But, Ray! That was sarcastic!

• Ray : What would you say if I told you that you were married to a very brilliant man?

  Frenchy : I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

• Ray : Your cousin May is dumb like a horse, or a dog or something.

• Ray : It's Louie the 14th, or Louie the 15th. I don't know how high the Louie's go, actually.

• Ray : I gotta get some air. I'm going up on the roof.

  Frenchy : Don't jump! You're too valuable as a dishwasher.

• Ray : Pretty late.

  Frenchy : Yeah, you too. What did you do?

  Ray : I, you know, I worked late... and then May and me had some Chinese food.

  Frenchy : You and May? What'd you talk about over dinner? Cartoons?

  Ray : Are you kiddin'? We went up to her apartment. We watched "White Heat" on television.

  Frenchy : Till 3 a.m.?

  Ray : No. Then we went out and we got a pizza.

  Frenchy : Chinese food and a pizza? With your stomach, I'm surprised you weren't shot breaking into the Pepto-Bismol factory.

• Ray : For God's sake! For some reason you're always shooting down my dreams.

  Frenchy : Because you get the kind of dreams people get after putting opium in their brownies.

• Ray : I get a bad vibe about this guy, David. It's my street instinct, but I just don't trust him.

  May Sloane : Yeah, I know why. Because he's younger than you are, handsomer than you are, he's much taller than you are, he's smarter than you are, he's much more exciting than you are...

  Ray : May, don't feel obligated to pull any punches with me. I can take it.

• Ray : Today Denny got bit by a rat. We had to give him rabies shot.

  Frenchy : Who, the rat?

• David : So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?

  Ray : Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.

• Ray : Very funny. You should be on tv.

  Frenchy : I am! Open your eyes.

• Ray : What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?

  Benny : Burn it down.

  Ray : What do you mean, "burn it down"? You're still burning stuff down for insurance?

  Benny : I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.

• Ray : I'm no genius, believe me, I'm no genius.

  Frenchy : Yeah, you don't have to sell me.

• Ray : You see this? See how beautiful it is?

  Frenchy : Yeah.

  Ray : See what you're seeing there? It's not just New Jersey. When we first met, there was a sunset it was just like this. Remember that?

  Frenchy : Yeah. In New Jersey, but in Colombia there was an earthquake.

• Ray : Can we change the music, please? Because I feel like I should be wearing a wig.

  Frenchy : You will be in a couple of years.

• Ray : Ever heard of the Polish carpool? Every day they meet at work.

• [last lines] 

  Frenchy : Hey, It was you who taught me how to open a safe.

  Ray : That was one of my fondest memories of our time together... What are you saying? You boosted this from David's safe? Frenchy, that's stealing.

  Frenchy : Not exactly. Look, it's a long story, Ray. Let's sell it, and I'll fill you in on the flight to Miami.

  Ray : Sweetheart, you are the greatest.

  Frenchy : Yeah.

• Ray : What is this?

  Frenchy : It's a Damon Dexter. A discovery of David's.

  Ray : Yeah? I say it's depressing.

  Frenchy : Knock it off. You wouldn't know a masterpiece if it bit you in the ass.

  Ray : I refuse to look at this, Frenchy.

  Frenchy : And what's that supposed to mean?

  Ray : It means as long as this is there on the wall, I don't look at that wall.

• Ray : Yeah! But no museums, 'cause I'm not going to museums. The pictures spook me out... the virgins...

  Frenchy : [Frenchy laughs hysterically]  Ha ha ha! Spooked by the virgins! Ha ha ha! Sorry...

  Ray : Work on the laugh, Frenchy!

  [Frenchy laughs again, snorts, then stops] 

• Ray : What are you, a stroke victim?

• David : I'm talking about Henry James, the author. Yeah? Well, this is where he lived and this is where he worked.

  Ray : Where did he eat? I'm hungry. I don't care where he lived. I want to know where he ate.

  Frenchy : I remember! "The Hair-ess", right?

  David : The "H" is silent.

  Frenchy : Oh, did he write that too?

• Ray : You know? Frenchy eats frog's legs.

  May Sloane : It's supposed to taste like chicken.

  Ray : Rabbit!

  May Sloane : Rabbit tastes like frog's legs?

  Ray : No, forget it, forget it.

• Ray : I think she's developing a crush on her teacher, David.

  May Sloane : Yeah. Well, you know, he's very good-looking, and he's really bright and very charming. And he's very elegant...

  Ray : Okay, May, I got the picture. It's all right.

  May Sloane : Well, when you're right, you're right.

  Ray : Thank you.

• Ray : We make chicken-chip cookies, ahhhh... tuna mint.