Third Watch (1999–2005)

Jason Wiles: Maurice Boscorelli, Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sully : Bet you didn't figure on watching fake vampires your first day back.

  Bosco : There was a time I didn't figure I'd have a first day back.

  Sully : I always knew.

  Bosco : No you didn't.

  Sully : When you were hurt, way back in the beginning, when we were coming over to your room and sitting with you, I realized something.

  Bosco : What? That you had better things to do?

  Sully : No. I realized why you rub me the wrong way.

  Bosco : 'Cause I'm so much better looking than you?

  Sully : When you first came on at the 5-5 you were this gung-ho, 100 miles an hour, true believer. All you wanted to do was catch bad guys.

  Bosco : And you were the opposite.

  Sully : No. I was exactly the same way when I came on. There was no one more excited about being the police. But the system beat it out of me. Bad guys I worked hard to get went free... Cops I respected ended up being dirty. Even did a few things myself I'm not too proud of.

  Bosco : Yeah?

  Sully : So I kept waiting for it to beat you down. But you never let it. And that's what I realized one day sitting by your hospital bed. You piss me off so much because you remind me that I let the system beat me.

  Bosco : You're a pretty damn good cop, Sul.

  Sully : I don't really believe there's a greater good anymore. But you still do. So I always knew that if you woke up, you'd be back out here. 'Cause you're a true believer, Bosco.

  Bosco : [after an awkward moment]  I'm not gonna kiss you.

  Sully : Unless you wanna get shot again.

• Bosco : Nobody thinks I got feelings.

  Faith : Bosco. That's not fair. You have feelings, you just have them buried somewhere in a shallow grave in Jersey.

• Bosco : Greetings! This is not God, but this is his close friend, Officer Boscorelli. Please pull over.

• Bosco : Look, I know you're upset but if we're going to have to rely on me being the level-headed one, we're going to have some serious problems.

• Bosco : Only two things I watch. Sports and animals.

  Yokas : Animals?

  Bosco : Yeah. Shark shows, elephant babies, lions, tigers, bears.

  Yokas : Oh my.

  Bosco : What?

  Yokas : Nothin'.

  Bosco : You don't watch those shows? Best shows on the box.

  Yokas : I guess I must be missing out.

  Bosco : You are. A lioness with her cubs in the tall grass. No human beings around for miles.

  Davis : Except for the 18 guys in the camera truck?

  Bosco : You gotta ruin it for me, right?

• [Flashback; Bosco and Yokas's first encounter] 

  Bosco : Mother?

  Yokas : Excuse me?

  Bosco : You look like a mother.

  Yokas : Yeah, actually I have two ki...

  [Bosco walks away] 

  Yokas : You look like an ass.

• Bosco : Have you forgotten where you've come from? You have, haven't you?

  Yokas : You're dangerous out there, Bosco.

  Bosco : No, it was an accidental shooting.

  Yokas : My old partner would've never missed that shot.

  Bosco : My old partner would've never questioned me!

• Sully : You know this thing with Faith, all that stuff her old man said? Nothing's ever one person's fault.

  Bosco : You haven't spent enough time around me.

• Rose Boscorelli : Your precinct sent a very beautiful arrangement.

  Bosco : Yeah, they're nice.

  Rose Boscorelli : Michael would've loved them.

  Bosco : Flowers from the police... He would've got a kick out of that.

• Bosco : Faith, when it gets right down to it, nobody's as tough-ass as you.

  Faith : Really.

  Bosco : Yeah, when you decide to turn it on, look out - oh God, you'd think you were a man in another life time!

  Faith : Thank you. That's beautiful.

• Bosco : You think when I'm married I'm going to beat my wife, because that's what I saw growing up?

  Faith : I don't think it has to be that way. Not if that's not how you want it to be.

• Yokas : You wanna come over for dinner? Fred and the kids would love to see you.

  Bosco : No they wouldn't.

  Yokas : They'll get over it.

• [Yokas tells Bosco that she is sick] 

  Bosco : All the things that we've learned that we can't control in this world, and you're gonna surprise me with this?

  Yokas : I... I just didn't want to be dumping my stuff on anybody.

  Bosco : It's me, Faith. It's me! I'm not just anybody.

• Aaron Noble : I was doing research, for a book.

  Bosco : Oh my gosh. You know what? Please accept our apologies. Sarge! Sarge stop searching the car. He was only doing research for a book.

  Cruz : Oh, didn't somebody already write Dumb and Dumber?

• Bosco : Don't lump me in with them, all right. You and I were friends.

  Monroe : That's not the point.

  Bosco : We rode together.

  Monroe : Nobody understands IAB, all right?

  Bosco : I don't give a damn about IAB. What I don't get is how a friend would go to that extent when I almost died that night.

• Bosco : The world would be so much better without people.

• Bosco : Do you have to embarrass me like that?

  Faith : Sorry, I'll go back to letting you do it yourself.

  Bosco : Thanks.

• Bosco : You took philosophy?

  Faith : What? You didn't think I was smart enough to take philosophy?

  Bosco : No, I didn't think you were dumb enough to take philosophy.

• Yokas : In the fifth grade I was faster than any other boy in my class. But my teacher said "something must've been wrong with the stopwatch." Said "run it again."

  Bosco : And?

  Yokas : I was so pissed off I ran it faster the second time.

• Bosco : I'm thinking about quitting and doing something else.

  Yokas : Really?

  Bosco : You haven't thought about it? After all this?

  Yokas : Yeah... so are you?

  Bosco : And let that skinny little bearded bastard think he beat me? Hell no. Give me a parachute and a pistol and drop me in there. I'll shoot him in the head myself.

• Tommy Shepherd : So, uh, what kind of gun do you carry?

  Bosco : Loaded.

• [Yokas and Bosco are directing traffic at an accident scene] 

  Man : Excuse me, I have to get through. I live just on the other side.

  Bosco : Hey Yokas. Yokas! We got ourselves a big problem here. This guy, he lives just on the other side and he has to get through. Hey everybody! Get the hell out of the way! This guy needs to get through.

  Man : That's okay, man.

  Bosco : Come on. You drive, I'll shoot anybody that gets in your way.

• Bosco : When I have kids I'm going to have vehicle locators surgically implanted right in their asses.

  Yokas : What, like a baby Lojack?

  Bosco : Yeah, why not? You kids are definitely worth more than your Buick.

• Yokas : [after running up countless flights of stairs to stop a jumper]  Go slow, 'cause we don't want to scare her.

  Bosco : Scare her? I might kill her myself.

• [to Miguel] 

  Bosco : [smirks]  Something tells me I'm going to be seeing you again.

• Cruz : Sorry to interrupt kindergarten, but I need, um, Boscorelli.

  Lt. Swersky : For the whole tour?

  Cruz : I'll get him back when I can.

  Bosco : Duty calls, boys. Think of me fondly with every parking ticket you issue.

• [pretending to be a paramedic] 

  Bosco : She's gonna need a plastic mask and an I.V. Probably what, a standard eight?

• [Flashback] 

  Bosco : I've been watching you.

  Yokas : Really? I'm flattered. But I'm married.

• Bosco : I'm through justifying myself to you.

  Yokas : And I'm through carrying around a three-year old.

  Bosco : Right, I'm one of your kids.

  Yokas : No, you couldn't be one of my kids. My kids are mature.

  Bosco : No, I couldn't be one of your kids because I actually see you.

• [about Cruz] 

  Sully : Man, I knew she was a bitch but I didn't think she'd do anything like that.

  Bosco : I was sleeping with her and I was fooled. How's that for stupid?

• Bosco : It's Monroe, right?

  Monroe : Yeah. How you doing?

  Bosco : Mind your own business, Monroe.

  Monroe : Ooh. It's not often that you meet someone who completely lives up to the horrible things people say about 'em.

• Bosco : Looks like you guys are gonna have to take it from here. Just my luck, I got a flat.

  Cruz : Take what?

  Bosco : I have a prisoner transport.

  Monroe : You don't have a flat.

  [Bosco sticks a knife into the tire] 

  Bosco : Oh. It's a slow leak.

• Cruz : That was um, that was nice, you calling and all.

  Bosco : Yeah. Next time, before I push the knife in, remind me who's gonna have to change that damn tire.

• Bosco : A child molester with his own Santa Claus suit. If that doesn't say Christmas, what does?

• [about Mikey's deal] 

  Cruz : You don't tell me what's what, Boscorelli.

  Bosco : Make alternate arrangements. He's not doing it.

  Cruz : Yeah, we'll see about that.

  Bosco : He's not doing it!

  Cruz : What the hell you gonna do about it?

  Bosco : Leave him the hell alone, you hear me?

  Cruz : I don't think so.

  Bosco : You don't think so? I don't know how many times I can tell you this. Listen to me. And listen real close... If you hurt my brother I'm gonna kill you. And that's a promise.

• Bosco : Let's go roust somebody.

• Bosco : You blow chunks in the car, you're cleaning it up, you hear me?

  Faith : And they said you aren't compassionate!

  Bosco : Who does?

• Bosco : You seen Yokas? I've been trying to call her all weekend.

  Sully : Maybe she has caller ID.

• Bosco : I'm satisfied. Are you satisfied?

  Faith : I'm all tingly with satisfaction.

• Bosco : You do fine.

  Cruz : Really?

  Bosco : Yeah.

  Cruz : You think so?

  Bosco : You don't seem to have a problem telling me what to do.

  Cruz : Stop the car.

  Bosco : See what I mean?

• Bosco : Death penalty? My dad used to call it "takin' out the trash."

  Yokas : Oh God, dad again.

• Bosco : I'm not gonna sit behind a desk for the rest of my life. It's not gonna happen! So I'm asking you... Everything that we've been through together.

  Yokas : You're not thinking straight. I'm gonna tell you right now, you do not wanna do this.

  Bosco : It's all I got. If I don't get back on, what am I supposed to do?

  Yokas : There are plenty of jobs that you can do down at the department.

  Bosco : No. I need to be in the radio car, answering calls. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. It's what I do!

  Yokas : I can't help you.

  Bosco : I saved your life that night and you won't do this for me? You're gonna sit there and you're gonna look at me and you're gonna tell me that you won't shoot a damn target? Of all the people I thought that I c - - I could come to you.

  Yokas : Bosco, that is not fair.

  Bosco : To hell with you.

  Yokas : Bosco!

  Bosco : No, to hell with you!

  Yokas : Bosco! Bosco don't do this.

• Bosco : My release date's up to the neurologist.

  Yokas : What, are you gonna strong-arm him?

  Bosco : Actually, he's a she. I'm gonna have to go with my charms.

• Lt. Swersky : It's good to see you up and around, Bosco.

  Bosco : You should be glad, Boss. I heard on the news you got people getting shot right here in the building?

  Lt. Swersky : Yeah... It was an unusual day.

  Bosco : I leave for a few months, you let the whole place go to hell?

  Lt. Swersky : Are you trying to piss me off in the first two minutes?

  Bosco : No, I'll hold that 'till tomorrow.

• Bosco : You do something to your leg?

  Faith : Yeah, I did something to my leg! I followed my moron partner when he decided to jump the Grand Canyon!

• Bosco : It's the first time in 13 years I'm gonna have a new partner.

  Yokas : Yeah, but maybe you'll get someone who doesn't talk about their husband and kids all shift.

• Bosco : What happened to him?

  Carlos : Rectal Cranial Inversion.

  Bosco : Excuse me?

  Carlos : He's got his head up his ass.

• Bosco : Paramedic street justice, who knew?

• Bosco : I'm not going to kiss you.

  Sully : You better not, unless you want to get shot again.

• Dante : [to Yokas]  Do you find your friend with the scar amusing?

  Bosco : Easy, Count Chocula. Or her "friend" will rip you a new one.

• [to Dante] 

  Yokas : You know, I gotta tell you, if I ever caught you with my daughter, you'd get to test that whole "vampires are immortal" theory.

  Bosco : Emily's not that stupid.

  Sully : Dante's not that immortal.

• Bosco : I've never been good with the phones. Ask my ex-girlfriends.

• Bosco : [about Monroe]  Why can't I ride with her?

  Lt. Swersky : No way, Bosco. I don't need that drama.

  Bosco : There's no drama. Look, whatever happened when I was away, none of my business. I'm serious. We're good. You're gonna have more problems with me answering this phone right there.

  Lt. Swersky : Okay, but if I hear one complaint from her, you're gonna be answering that phone for the rest of your career. Am I clear?

  Bosco : Crystal.

• Bosco : Let's go.

  Danielle : No! See, you need to be taking her in for impersonating a customer service representative.

  Tammy : Stupid bitch.

  Bosco : Way to defuse the situation. Fantastic!

• Monroe : Bosco. I was doing my job. It wasn't that I didn't care what happened to you. I was sent out there to find the truth.

  Bosco : "Sent"? Like from Superhero Camp or something?

• Faith : You have the right to remain silent.

  Bosco : For God's sakes, use it!

• [Bosco falls in the soapsuds] 

  Faith : Oh, you got a boo-boo?

  Bosco : Get away from me!

  Faith : Kiss your rubber ducky.

• [Bosco and Carlos attend compassion therapy] 

  Carlos : What are you doing here?

  Bosco : You mean this isn't jazz-ersize class?

  Carlos : You've done this before?

  Bosco : I practically have reserved parking.

• Bosco : [about Emily]  She's gonna have great legs. If I were 12, I'd do her.

• Faith : Ma'am did you call us all the way up here to turn off your kid's Nintendo?

  Bosco : Playstation. It's a Playstation.

• [Bosco is having trouble with a typewriter] 

  Bosco : I'm gonna kick your ass! How about that, huh?

• Faith : If you don't like my ideas, why do you ask?

  Bosco : I like your ideas! I'd just like them more if they were better!

• Bosco : There is definitely some church in my future.

• Faith : What are we doing?

  Bosco : Fighting crime.

  Faith : Under the bridge?

  Bosco : There's crime everywhere, haven't you heard?

• Faith : You ate all the fries?

  Bosco : I didn't think you wanted any.

  Faith : Both bags?

  Bosco : I thought you were dieting.

  Faith : I'm eating a cheeseburger!

• Bosco : I was always fast.

  Faith : Good for you.

  Bosco : Really fast.

  Faith : That's great.

  Bosco : You don't believe me?

  Faith : Look, I'm sure you were a Gazelle.

• Bosco : Faith, I screwed up. Real bad.

  Faith : Oh, don't tell me, you slept with the captain's daughter. Oh, whoops! You already did that!

• Bosco : Artists. They can be pretty existential, huh?

  [Faith looks surprised] 

  Bosco : Don't make a face. I do know some big words.

  Yokas : Sorry.

• Faith : You're dating a burglary victim? Maybe you should work without me more often. I think I cramp your style.

  Bosco : I can live with it.

• Faith : Good luck.

  Bosco : I don't believe in luck.

  Faith : Then be careful.

• Bosco : I'm telling you. If they gave me the power to decide who lives and who dies, the world would be a better place.

  Sully : Bosco as God.

  Bosco : Morons shouldn't have drivers' licenses.

  Faith : Worse... Bosco as the DMV.

  Ty : Isn't that a lateral move?

• Yokas : You want any kids Bos?

  Bosco : Why? You giving some away?

• [about the obese woman] 

  Kim : Any ideas on how to get her out of here?

  Bosco : Put her on a diet and wait for spring.

  Kim : Any good ideas?

• Sully : You working today Boscorelli, or you gonna give us another performance of your "Holiday in Uniform" routine?

  Bosco : No powdered sugar on your shirt, Sully. What? Krispy Kreme burn down?

• Bosco : I am a God.

  Sully : What?

  Yokas : Ignore Zeus.

• [about riding with Davis] 

  Bosco : Ah, great. I get to spend the day riding around with a totem pole.

• [to Davis] 

  Bosco : You are a God! You know, we ought to start our own religion.

• [finding E in the bike] 

  Bosco : Oh, Steven.

  Yokas : You got a receipt for that, Steven?

• Carlos : This is a righteous ride, man.

  Bosco : "Righteous"?

  Carlos : Yeah, what year is it?

  Bosco : The car or that word?

• [JJ, the suspect Bosco is chasing, jumps two stories and lands badly] 

  Bosco : What? You figure you were gonna bounce?

• Bosco : So, we're done?

  Doc : Yeah.

  Bosco : Good, I got a date with a Chinese chicken.

• Bosco : Good thing about junkies: they're featherweights. Skin and bones. Zip 'em up and move 'em out.

• Davis : What about the bodies?

  Bosco : Sully's in a volunteering mood.

• [the one-armed man is running away with his arm handcuffed to his ankle] 

  Yokas : We've got a foot pursuit, and uh, he claims to be armed.

  Carlos : He's only half right.

  Bosco : Oh, da... Stumpy! Wait for me!

  Yokas : Fightin' crime.

• Yokas : Bosco, you know what I'm thinking?

  Bosco : Hmm?

  Yokas : If we did it in two different directions I could get like, ass waffles.

• Bosco : Anonymous caller, what the hell is that?

  Monroe : Why are we always driving in the wrong direction when we get a job?

  Bosco : If it bothers you enough to call, at least have the balls to say it was you.

  Monroe : You know, maybe we should just start driving in reverse. At least we'd be facing the right direction.

• Bosco : Where did you come from? I mean, where did my father find you?

  Lester Martin : We have mutual acquaintances.

  Bosco : Oh, that's great, 'cause I was getting a little worried there about your credentials.

• Lt. Swersky : Where have you been?

  Bosco : [escorting Daryl to lock-up]  Pretty busy at the hospital, Boss.

  Lt. Swersky : Oh yeah? We got a couple of calls about a guy in green pants and a vest, handcuffed, jogging down the street. You know anything about that?

  Bosco : All I can say is that's one hell of a coincidence.

• [about Charlie's homework;paper doll] 

  Yokas : He's gotta get pictures of Flat Stanley at work, or um, on a trip.

  Bosco : Flat Stanley?

  Yokas : Yes, Flat Stanley... And he could have gone to his grandparents, but Charlie is very proud that his mother's a police officer. So, Flat Stanley's gonna come to work with us today. You'll have kids one day, you'll understand.

  Bosco : You know what this makes me think of? Birth control.

  Yokas : Get the camera out.

  Bosco : Yeah, we should take a cute little shot of him... caught in the shredder.

• [to the woman who said a clown was looking in her window] 

  Yokas : So this clown, how old was he?

  Bosco : Yeah, in clown years.

• Bosco : Waffle?

  Yokas : Oh absolutely... Watch out for that dog!

  [Bosco slams on the brakes and the clown slams into the cage] 

  Yokas : Boy, driving around the city can be really dangerous. Huh?

• Yokas : You know you can be a real jerk, you know that?

  Bosco : But you love me anyway right? Huh? Right?

• Bosco : You jealous Sullivan?

  Sully : Of your extra guns? If you fall over you'll explode.

• [about why Riley doesn't like him] 

  Bosco : It was only a glancing blow.

  Yokas : He took ten stitches!

• Yokas : Hey, you're wearing a vest.

  Kim : Yeah, my ex-husband's idea of a birthday gift.

  Yokas : Yeah, I usually get a dustbuster or something equally romantic.

  Kim : Yeah, a dustbuster I could use. This thing is just hot and uncomfortable. Not to mention it looks like I'm wearing a barrel.

  Bosco : You look pretty good to me.

• [about/to the drunk guy] 

  Yokas : What about him?

  Bosco : Oh, yeah. Don't fall down anymore.

  Yokas : That's it?

  Bosco : What else do you want me to do? Let him shower up at my place?

• [to Yokas] 

  Bosco : You coming in or are you gonna stay out here and open up a soup kitchen?

• Bosco : I got some guy stealing my squad.

  Yokas : I think he already stole the squad. Technically right now he's making a getaway... A very slow getaway.

• Yokas : Keeping your head. I figure for you that's gotta be like what, climbing a mountain?

  Bosco : That's a compliment, right?

• Yokas : Fred's always thought you were gay.

  Bosco : What?

  Yokas : Something about the way you walk.

  Bosco : What about the way I walk?

  Yokas : You kinda sway.

  Bobby : You hurt your hip or something?

  Bosco : What?

  Bobby : You're walking funny.

  Yokas : He's a little self-conscious today.

  Bosco : There's not a damn thing wrong with the way I walk!

• [to Monroe - imitating the old lady] 

  Bosco : You're sitting on Liberty! You're sitting on Liberty!

• Sully : You can beat a dog to make it stay, but it's fear not respect.

  Bosco : Who cares, as long as it's too frightened to bite.

• Yokas : Okay, let's talk about my sex life. Last night my husband was too drunk to get it up, and it's kinda bugging me, you know?

  Bosco : Whoa. Whoa. That is a little more information than I needed to hear. Now I got a picture.

  Yokas : No kidding.

• Bosco : When I do a report it's name, place, and date.

  Yokas : You know what? When you do a report it's one big, long spelling error.

• Yokas : Is there anything more depressing than searching basements and garbage cans for missing kids?

  Bosco : Yeah, finding one.

• Bosco : Trust me, pal, when it comes to breaking things, the fire department knows exactly what they're doing.

• Robber : It's kind of cold, huh?

  Bosco : Yeah, when you get ice that usually means it's cold outside.

  Robber : What kind of scraper you using?

  Bosco : A plastic one.

• Bosco : How come whenever I'm in a good mood you think it must be related to sex?

  Yokas : Because the only time you ever smile at the start of a shift is if you had your bean waxed the night before. I did the math.

  Bosco : You know, Yokas, some things are better than sex.

  Yokas : You got a fever or something?

  Bosco : I'm serious. I'm capable of getting a rush out of other things in life, you know.

  Yokas : Like what, sucking on whipped cream cans?

• Monroe : [after Bosco had found out that Allie Nardo talked to his mother]  Calm down, Bosco.

  Bosco : Calm down? I'm going to kill that mother

  [rest is drowned out by a passing truck honking] 

• Yokas : [about Emily]  We haven't always gotten along.

  Bosco : Neither have we. Things work out.

  Yokas : Yeah, well usually with you and me it takes some sort of a tragedy to get us back together.

  Bosco : Tough love.

• [going over all the tests Bosco had done at the hospital] 

  Bosco : I had all that done?

  Dr. Lane : Oh, yeah. And then some.

  Bosco : I was worried about that last test... I didn't study for it or anything.

• [about using a wheelchair to leave the hospital] 

  Bosco : I don't need that thing.

  Dr. Lane : Ah, hospital procedure.

  Bosco : Well, it's not happening. I'm not getting in that thing.

  Dr. Lane : Well, we're uh, we're having chicken fingers for lunch. If you're staying I can order you a plate.

• Bosco : I'm walking out of here, Faith.

  Yokas : I know you are.

  Bosco : Without any help.

  [to the orderly as they "escape" from the hospital] 

  Yokas : You can have his chicken fingers.

• Bosco : Where'd you park?

  Yokas : Right out front... That's 5-5 David.

  Bosco : How'd you do that?

  Yokas : What do you think, I'm not gonna go all out for my partner?

  Bosco : Thank you. Thank you, Faith.

  Yokas : Come on, we've gotta hurry up before Swersky finds out. How 'bout I let you play with the lights and sirens? How's that sound?

• Yokas : You don't want me to see it?

  Bosco : I don't want you to be depressed. How about you? How'd you do?

  Yokas : Same as always; I hit more than I missed, but I'll be damned if I know how.

  Bosco : It's 'cause you had a great teacher.

• [to Yokas] 

  Bosco : I wanna talk about today. At the range. The reason I didn't show you my target isn't 'cause I nailed it. It's 'cause I couldn't shoot worth a damn.

• Bosco : Don't you have anything to do, Detective?

  Yokas : What?

  Bosco : Big NYPD Detective, I figured you'd be up to your ass in paperwork.

• Lt. Swersky : Don't you wanna know who you're riding with?

  Sully : Please tell me you're not sticking me with some rookie I'm gonna have to baby-sit all day.

  Bosco : Actually, boss wants me to keep an eye on you.

• Bosco : I'm back to show you all how it's done, ladies.

• Sully : An hour back and I already hate you.

  Bosco : Good.

  Sully : Good!

  Bosco : Hate me! Call me names. Just don't ask me if you can help me or if you can do anything for me. I'm not handicapped.

  Sully : You're still a jerk.

  Bosco : 100 percent!

• Yokas : You guys wanna, uh, ride with me on this?

  Sully : I could use some air.

  Bosco : Yeah, I could do this later.

  Sully : Where we going?

  Yokas : To talk to some vampires.

  Sully : I gotta say, I didn't see that coming.

• Girl : Nice scar.

  Bosco : Nice teeth!

• Yokas : Well, I see you still have a way with the nutballs.

  Bosco : It's a gift.

• Yokas : We are ducking calls at 5:45, all right? 'Cause I got this feeling it's gonna be one of those days. So no matter what happens we are off the radio, all right? I don't care if the mayor himself...

  Bosco : Shhhh... You had me at ducking.

• Yokas : Charlie threw up this morning and then I cleaned it up, no help from Fred, and I take a shower and I'm halfway out the door - - surprise. Vesuvius erupts again. Eww.

  Bosco : God, I can't wait to have kids.

  Yokas : Oh my God. I can't believe my life has come to this. I cannot believe I can walk around half the day and nobody even notices that I have puke in my hair.

• Yokas : Bos, what do you know about romance? I mean, your idea of foreplay is like finding a dark place to park.

  Bosco : I know without mystery and romance the soul withers and the heart turns to stone.

  Yokas : What are you quoting Shakespeare now?

  Bosco : "Penthouse."

• Bosco : Einstein decided to see if Chevys could fly. F.Y.I.: they can't.

• Bosco : Hey, you know what you told me once when I messed up? "All you can do is try to learn from it. Do it different next time."

  Yokas : I said that?

  Bosco : Pretty smart, huh?

  Yokas : Apparently I have my moments.

• [searching for the buried guy] 

  Bosco : Don't they have dogs for this?

  Yokas : Yeah, but the dog's time's more valuable.

• Bosco : Ouch.

  Yokas : I warned you.

  Bosco : You just hit me with a dirt clod.

  Yokas : You're lucky I didn't hit you in the head with a brick.

• [about the guy who is buried alive] 

  Davis : What do you think is going through his mind?

  Bosco : "Damn, I could have had a V-8."

  Yokas : You're a sick puppy Bos, you know that?

• Bosco : Why don't you just go on the pill?

  Yokas : I was on the pill for ten years! The pill makes me cranky.

• Bosco : I just want to be there when they nail his black ass.

  Doc : Nice.

  Bosco : Don't give me that look. He was black, I'm guessing his ass is too.

  Doc : You got a way with words Bosco.

• [about a horse that has been in an accident] 

  Yokas : That poor thing is in a lot of pain.

  Sully : Yeah.

  Yokas : Well, isn't there something we can do to help him?

  Bosco : You want me to shoot him?

  Sully , Yokas : No!

• Bosco : You are stupider than even I can believe Rudy.

  Rudy : Oh, my head.

  Bosco : Your head? Like there's anything vital that can be hurt in there.

• [after someone shoots Rudy in the back of the police car] 

  Kim : You guys sure you're okay?

  Yokas : Yeah, I'll let you know when my ass unpuckers.

  Bobby : Mine wouldn't until April.

  Yokas : Who would want to hurt Rudy Granger?

  Bosco : Obviously someone who wants me to have a really bad day.

  Davis : I bet you Rudy'd say his day was worse.

• [to a kid he is searching] 

  Bosco : Well, what do we have here? Huh? Illegal narcotics? I am shocked and dismayed.

• Bosco : What are you talking about? I wasn't listening.

  Yokas : Of course not.

  [after Bosco leaves] 

  Yokas : What was I thinking?

• [about why Sully isn't at work] 

  Bosco : When you haven't had sex in decades it must take some time to recover.

• Yokas : You should just go home and make yourself a nice cup of herbal tea and watch an old movie.

  Bosco : Herbal tea? I'm surrounded by new age crap.

• Yokas : Carlos, there's like millions of dollars worth of heroin over here.

  Carlos : The old guy's a heroin dealer?

  Bosco : No, actually I'm guessing it was the guys with the guns.

  Carlos : Oh, yeah, right, right. Why would they keep it down here?

  Bosco : They strike you as geniuses?

• Bosco : Can I finish eating?

  Yokas : Yeah, you can finish eating. And then we'll start our shift and the first thing you'll want to do is get a sandwich.

• Yokas : A kid lives to see how far he can go. And all the things we tell him not to do, it makes him want to do it even more.

  Bosco : We should tell him not to read.

• Bosco : I haven't arrested a hairstyle like that since Michael Jackson was black.

  Leroy : Oh, no, you didn't.

• [about the Yokas family's truck] 

  Bosco : Have you gone out to Jersey and gone off road?

  Yokas : Oh, yeah, we're gonna do that right after the tractor pull.

• Bosco : Can't believe it, first Giants game of the season, Monday Night Football, and I'm stuck working.

  Yokas : Yeah, well right now you're not working. You're staring at a bunch of revolving desserts.

  Bosco : [about cake]  Is that fresh?

  Cashier : No, it's three weeks old. The way our customers like it.

• Cop : [about Tatiana]  How hot?

  Bosco : Playboy bunny, Moscow branch, hot.

  Cop : Well, on that depressing note, I better get home to my wife. She's Jenny Craig before the photo hot.

• Yokas : Are you an organ donor?

  Bosco : Still usin' 'em.

• Bosco : [running]  Better not slow down Sully, I'll be up your ass.

  Sully : You just try to keep up with my ass, Bosco.

• Bosco : What is wrong with me?

  Yokas : Could it be you're self-absorbed?

  Bosco : No, that's not it.

• Bosco : She says in a few weeks I should be able to put my feet behind my ears.

  Davis : Who?

  Bosco : My yoga teacher.

  Sully : She say when you'd be able to pull your head out of your ass?

  Davis : That's the advanced class.

• Bosco : Yokas and I are joining the law enforcement elite.

  Sully : You're becoming Ninjas?

• Yokas : Hookerfest. That's exactly how I hoped I'd be spending my evening.

  Bosco : You need to keep a more positive mental attitude. Have you ever considered yoga?

  Yokas : Shut-up Bos.

• AJ : [about Yokas]  You know what she needs, don't you?

  Bosco : Yep. Yoga.

• Yokas : [Shaquana slaps Bosco]  That's gonna leave a mark.

  Bosco : Doesn't everything?

• Bosco : Screw jail time. You know what we should do? Parachute these jagoffs right into Osama land.

  Yokas : Yeah, right after a sex change.

  Bosco : Amen.

• Bosco : Guess who we're seeing later.

  Yokas : Ringo Starr.

  Bosco : Glennie Hobart.

  Yokas : ESU Glen?

  Bosco : Yep. He's back on the street. We're gonna go by his station later, check out the trucks.

  Yokas : Oh, and me without something special to wear.

• Yokas : What, are you dieting?

  Sully : Well, it's the Tatiana effect. She's feeding me better food, vegetables, fish, chicken. And we take these power walks, sometimes twice a day.

  Bosco : Can you believe this, Davis? Before you ladies turn the discussion to deal-a-meals and thighmasters, do you mind letting me go to work?

• Yokas : [to Charlie about the drugs in the gas tank]  Ooh, how many miles you get on a gallon of that stuff?

  Bosco : I'd say what? Five to ten?

• Bosco : Wait until my partner here gets finished with the report. You'll be so guilty even you won't like yourself.

  Yokas : Oh, that's sweet.

  Bosco : Well, you're the best at it.

  Yokas : Isn't he a smooth talker?

  Charlie : You're gonna lie?

  Yokas : Lie? Lie? Now that is a very offensive characterization.

• Bosco : I feel like I'm riding a lawnmower.

  Sully : Wanna walk?

  Bosco : It'd be faster.

• Bosco : Lighten up, Mommy. I'll ride with Sul.

  Yokas : Okay, nevermind.

  Sully : Mommy? How do you put up with that?

  Yokas : Oh, it's an acquired taste.

• Girl : [on crossing guard duty]  I'm gonna be a policeman someday.

  Bosco : Yeah? Good for you.

  [to the next kid] 

  Bosco : What are you looking at?

  Boy : I didn't know men do this.

  Bosco : I'm sorry?

  Boy : I didn't know men do this.

  Bosco : [blows whistle]  Sully! That's it!

  Sully : What now?

• Dr. Susan Lewis : [about Chloe]  She's a responsible wife and mother.

  Bosco : If she's so responsible then why are you here?

• Gerald : They're hookers you know.

  Bosco : I believe the politically correct term is "street hostesses."

• Dr. Susan Lewis : [Bosco slams Oleg's face into the car]  You may have broken his nose.

  Bosco : No, he was always that ugly.

• Bosco : [to a prisoner]  You're pissing me off. Walk faster or I'll put my foot up your ass.

• Mary Proctor : I'll be right back with your Tetanus shot.

  Bosco : Oh, come on Proctor, those are a killer.

  Mary Proctor : Hey, don't try to take away one of the only joys I have left in my job.

• Bosco : If you need me, I'll be keeping a lid on the garbage.

• Woman : [about Emily]  She's becoming very precocious.

  Bosco : Attitude? I wonder which one of her parents that comes from.

• Yokas : [about Gusler]  Paper's not his strong suit.

  Bosco : What, he has a strong suit?

  Yokas : Well, he's eager.

• Bosco : [after Yokas gets head-butted]  You all right?

  Yokas : Yeah. I'm ready for my close-up.

• Yokas : We'll work together tomorrow.

  Bosco : Good. Good. That's good. That's uh... you know. That's good, 'cause uh...

  Yokas : Yeah, me too.

  Bosco : So... What? I'll see you tomorrow?

  Yokas : With bells on.

  Bosco : What the hell does that mean, with bells on?

• Bosco : How many damn people did I bring in?

  Cop : I think you locked up half the precinct.

• Yokas : I was 14, I fought with my mother. But I never wished she was dead.

  Bosco : Maybe you're overreacting.

  Yokas : Yeah, well she better cool it or I'm gonna overreact my foot up her rump.

• Yokas : [directing traffic]  We're like big blue targets out here.

  Bosco : This sucks!

• Bosco : [Fred talks to Jesus]  If he's ever talking to him again, there's a few things I'd like to ask for. Is it okay if I put in a word?

  Yokas : No.

  Bosco : I gave it a shot.

• Bosco : Fat-free half-and-half. Isn't that just milk?

• Cruz : Did you ask him about his Johnson?

  Bosco : I asked him about his little tiny Johnson. I should have ripped it off him, too.

  Cruz : I'd hate to have to handle that complaint. I guess it'd, uh, be theft.

  Bosco : Petty larceny.

• Yokas : If it was up to me, my kids would never cry. They'd never be embarrassed or humiliated or disappointed. They'd never get hurt. That's how much you love them. You want to put them in a bubble for safekeeping. Some place where there's no psychos, there's no drugs, and there's no danger.

  Bosco : No life.

  Yokas : I didn't say it was rational.

• [gives Bosco his uniform] 

  Carlos : Jeez, it's freezing.

  Davis : Well, you're in your underwear, Carlos.

  Bosco : It's for a good cause.

  Carlos : Thank God I wore underwear today.

  Bosco : Okay... How do I look?

  Davis : I wouldn't let you work on me.

• [to a shooting victim] 

  Bosco : Your real name is Wiggy?

  Kim : Oh, great. I'm working overtime for a guy named Wiggy.

• Bosco : How are you, Diane?

  ADA Dianne Mann : I haven't gotten laid since the 90s.

• Bosco : I thought I knew what I was doing out here, but I guess I don't.

  Cruz : Smartest thing I heard you say.

• [arresting Vernon] 

  Bosco : Look at 'em Vernon. Look at 'em. They're all out here to watch you fall. And they can't wait for you to be gone. Forever. You hear me? For good. You'll be forgotten in a week, because of one little boy. One little boy who had the stones to stand up to you. He's twice the man you'll ever be.

• Mrs. Winston : [about Daryl]  He probably has a bump on his head.

  Bosco : Oh, wait until I get a hold of him.

• Bosco : [to Yvette]  So, first day, huh?

  Daryl : No, actually I've been arrested a couple of times before.

  Bosco : Shut-up!

  [to Yvette] 

  Bosco : As you can see you're gonna be surrounded by intelligence.

• Yokas : Fred and I have been getting along really well lately.

  Bosco : Stop!

  Yokas : Bosco, when it rains it pours. And it is raining in the Yokas boudoir, hard.

  Bosco : Why do you have to do that?

  Yokas : What?

  Bosco : I just asked you a simple question, you gotta fill my head with visuals!

  Yokas : And women are uptight about sex?

• Bosco : [holding up a lamp]  This doesn't match anything in my place.

  Yokas : So how you doing, I mean, you know, in general?

  Claire Henley : Fine. I'm doing fine.

  Bosco : And yet it's raining floor lamps outside your apartment.

• Bosco : [about Claire]  So come on, how good of friends were you? Were you like, you know, real close? Or Real close?

  Yokas : Oh please Bosco. Grow up!

• Sully : Most snow falls at 15 degrees Fahrenheit or greater. The air holds more water vapor at higher temperatures.

  Bosco : Thank you, Al Roker.

• Yokas : He said that is was okay that he was speeding in a blinding snowstorm because he had his hazardous lights on.

  Bosco : Makes sense to me. You think if he was high he's have on his high beams?

• [to Cruz] 

  Bosco : How could they have known we were coming? We were being so inconspicuous and all.

• [Flashback; About Faith's shooting skills] 

  Bosco : Come on. You'd have a better chance if they let you throw the gun at it and count it as six if you hit it.

• Yokas : You're still smirking.

  Bosco : I am?

  Yokas : Yeah, it's your getting some smirk.

• [about Cruz] 

  Yokas : She's a regular fount of wisdom.

  Bosco : Fount?

• Bosco : You hungry?

  [Sully vomits] 

  Bosco : I'll take that as a no!

• Bosco : I got a whole family full of yous. Can't cope with life so they hide behind the bottle.

  Sully : But not you?

  Bosco : I guess I'm the black sheep.

• Aaron Noble : It was research.

  Bosco : Yeah? Well, now you can research how to be someone's bitch.

• [to Willie] 

  Bosco : Do you need me to kick that chair out from under you again?

  Willie G : I want my lawyer.

  Bosco : You want your mommy.

• [about Willie] 

  Bosco : Destroying city property, littering, riding without a helmet. It's a one-man crime wave.

• Yokas : Why me, Bosco? Why is it always me?

  Bosco : Because you're the only one Faith... I don't have anyone else.

• Aaron Noble : You know what Injera is?

  Bosco : No.

  Aaron Noble : It's Ethiopian bread. Kind of like a pancake, but sour.

  Bosco : You think that's what's wrong with this cheeseburger?

• Aaron Noble : That is how I work, I immerse myself in the culture.

  Bosco : Let me get this straight... Are you telling me that you do crank professionally?

• Bosco : I am so hot tonight. I'm even amazing myself.

• Bosco : I'm starting to change my mind about the Himalayas. I think it would be a pretty good place to go. No pollution, no BS with the legal system. Just ice and mountains. The South Pole...

  Yokas : The South Pole?

  Bosco : What?

  Yokas : Nothing.

  Bosco : It's probably only nice until you get used to the place. After that I'm sure you run into some crackhead Eskimo using kids or something.

  Yokas : Eskimos? In the Himalayas?

• Davis : Is it true? You ratted out Cruz to Swersky? Said she was dirty?

  Bosco : She is dirty.

  Sully : And yet she goes to church twice a week. There's a lesson in there somewhere.

• [to Cruz] 

  Bosco : You remember saying the reason I'd never be a great cop? Is 'cause I - - I don't follow through. I half ass the paper work. Well guess what? My partner never does. Never! That's why together, me and Yokas are one great cop.

• [about Cruz] 

  Monroe : She's back in the bag, huh?

  Bosco : Oh, my God. This has turned into one of the best days of my life.

  Monroe : You definitely don't get out enough.

• Monroe : You know, why don't you let some of what Davis has rub off on you?

  Bosco : You know what? Davis can keep his sunshine all to himself. Don't be late.

  Monroe : I'm on my J.O.

  Bosco : Your who?

  Monroe : Add a B to the end.

  Bosco : Or you could just say job.

• Bosco : Maybe next time he'll kill you. It's a shorter report.

• Bosco : Don't trip on your bling-bling, yo yo.

• Davis : Guy gives rap a bad name.

  Bosco : No, rap gives rap a bad name.

  Monroe : Watch your mouth.

  Davis : I guess if anybody'd know that it would be Maurice Boscorelli.

• Monroe : One minute you're an ass, the next you're who the hell knows what.

  Bosco : Uh, uh. Judging - - No judging.

• Bosco : Put me on first. I'll piss this defense attorney off so much he'll have me on for an hour.

  ADA Dianne Mann : It's always something with you, isn't it?

  Bosco : Look, this time I'll be your knight in shining armor.

  ADA Dianne Mann : Oh, yeah, that's got me oozing confidence.

• Cruz : Mind your own damn business.

  Bosco : Uh-oh. Who you working with now? The CIA? Department of Homeland Security? ASPCA?

• Bosco : Doc, man, you gotta tell your people to secure these busses, or at least get a head count. This one's turning out to have more passengers than the Titanic.

• [to Carlos] 

  Bosco : What's wrong? Principal write you up?

• Man : I got ejected from the bus.

  Bosco : Nice try. Why don't you use some of those big words and get yourself a job?

  Man : I got a head injury.

  Bosco : Yeah, it's called Lice.

• Davis : Looks like Cruz is back in the game.

  Bosco : And I'm being passed over for a rookie.

  Sully : Maybe it's your winning personality.

• Bosco : Hey, you got the name on 1G?

  Mailman : I can't do that.

  Bosco : Come on, let me see the mail for that address.

  Mailman : I know that's not allowed. What'd this guy do?

  Bosco : He killed a mailman.

• Bosco : Just because my family left the boot doesn't mean I got olive oil in my veins.

• Monroe : You really don't have any connection to your heritage?

  Bosco : Sure I do... I love pizza. I like spaghetti. I like 'Goodfellas' and two out of the three 'Godfathers'. Past that, I'm about as as Italian as you are.

• Bosco : You know what you should get the kid? Cops and Robbers set. Plastic handcuffs, chrome revolver...

  Monroe : Guns?

  Bosco : Yeah, that's what I always got.

  Monroe : And look how well-adjusted you turned out.

• Monroe : Bosco, you don't understand the pressure of having to have the right toy, the right clothes...

  Bosco : Oh, come on. I've watched Yokas go through this every year for the past ten years. I thought Talking Elmo was gonna kill her.

• Monroe : You know... You really are a big softy.

  Bosco : Keep that to yourself Officer.

  Monroe : Like anyone would believe it.

• Bosco : Do you just sit up nights thinking about ways to mess with me?

  Monroe : No, it's much easier than that.

• Cruz : What's going on here?

  Bosco : We got a guy with a cut. There's definitely dope involved.

  Cruz : He's high?

  Bosco : No. He's a dope.

• Monroe : What ever happened to 'any real partner would have my back in this Monroe'?

  Bosco : Still applies.

  Monroe : Oh, so I should have your back but keep my mouth shut?

  Bosco : Yep. Something like that.

  Monroe : You got the wrong girl Bosco.

  Bosco : Well, I didn't pick you, did I?

• [about the Monroe/Doc relationship] 

  Bosco : Isn't he a little old for you?

  Sully : He's not that old.

  Davis : Come on, he's closer to a discount bus pass than he is to her age.

  Sully : He is not.

  Bosco : You seem a little defensive yourself there, Sully.

• Cruz : The jewelry store Bosco. The Hassids?

  Bosco : I had a confidential informant.

  Cruz : Oh really? Who's that?

  Bosco : That would be the confidential part.

• [about the E] 

  Bosco : That's about $15,000 street value.

  Yokas : That's no misdermeanor.

• [about Mikey] 

  Bosco : I gotta find him... Before the department does. Before Cruz does.

  Yokas : I know. Can I do anything to help?

  Bosco : You don't have to be involved.

  Yokas : Yeah, I know that too.

• [to Mikey] 

  Bosco : Following the rules is the hard way. Stealing, scams, dope dealing... That's easy.

• Michael Boscorelli : I didn't shoot that cop.

  Bosco : I believe you, Mike.

  Michael Boscorelli : I didn't shoot that cop.

  Bosco : You're still gonna have to get arrested. I'll get you a lawyer and I'll be there with you. I'll be your brother if you let me be your brother. You gotta let me.

  Michael Boscorelli : All right.

• Yokas : [to Sully/Davis]  I think it's great. Knowing what you want and going for it.

  Bosco : I could go for a cheeseburger right about now.

• [about Hart] 

  Walsh : Yo, PD! You wanna stop distracting my guy?

  Bosco : What, distract one of New York's Bravest? Is that even possible?

• Michael Boscorelli : Look man, when I get out of here I wanna hang out together... just uh, me and you, maybe um, maybe we'll take a road trip. We'll go to Atlantic City.

  Bosco : Atlantic City?...

  Michael Boscorelli : ...You're gonna have to pay though, 'cause I don't have any money.

  Bosco : No kidding?

• [at a rave] 

  Yokas : What do you think these kids ears are gonna be like when they grow up?

  Bosco : You sound like a mom.

  Yokas : I am a mom.

• Sergeant Laura Wynn : I'm starting to like your brother.

  Bosco : He grows on you.

• Sergeant Laura Wynn : Locking up Joey Mann for a capital crime has got to bring his old man out of hiding.

  Bosco : You're gonna take care of Mike, right?

  Sergeant Laura Wynn : Yep. I might just marry him.

• [about Lester] 

  Bosco : You know, I figured this guy for a real ass.

  Yokas : Why, 'cause he's a defense attorney?

  Bosco : No, because he knows my father.

• Bosco : Sullivan, he's got some set on him.

  Yokas : Look, you'd be saying the same thing if it wasn't your brother.

  Bosco : It is my brother.

  Yokas : Look, Bosco, I'm not about to get into some stupid back-and-forth with you right now.

  Bosco : Who pissed in your oatmeal?

• Cruz : I honestly don't think that those guys suspected him.

  Bosco : Really? Honestly? And how the hell would you know?

  Cruz : I don't know.

  Bosco : No, you don't! But you should... You're no better than a criminal yourself.

  [Cruz starts crying] 

  Bosco : You don't get to cry. You don't get to cry!

• Sully : You don't seem too rattled considering the can of crap you just stepped in.

  Bosco : As long as Faith is all right I really don't care what happens to me.