Randy Quaid: Jack Woods
Photos
Quotes
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Jack Woods : Got a father who runs a cab company, got a mother who runs my father.
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Jack Woods : You're - you're...
Seamus Muldoon : A Leprechaun. Wet Leprechaun. Leader of the Kerry Leprechauns. Seamus Maldoon, at your wet service.
Mary Muldoon : [invisible] What in the Grand Banshee's name do you think you're doing?
Seamus Muldoon : What's it look like; I'm talking to the man.
Mary Muldoon : Are you mad, as well as stupid?
Seamus Muldoon : I have to! He saved me!
Mary Muldoon : He *saved* you?
Seamus Muldoon : Gallantly, I have to say. And not at all for himself.
[Jack stumbles outside]
Mary Muldoon : [appears inside] You were drunk!
Seamus Muldoon : Of *course* I was drunk... I hate water!
Jack Woods : [cut to outside] Just calm down, Jack. Get - a grip. It's just jetlag.
Mary Muldoon : [cut to inside] And you *let* him save you?
Seamus Muldoon : I didn't ask him, Mary, he just did it!
Mary Muldoon : That's no excuse! You could have had the decency to drown!
Jack Woods : [outside] ... hangover... bump on the head... You're fine.
Mary Muldoon : I'm Mary Maldoon...
Jack Woods : Oh, give me a break!
[turns, sees Leprechauns]
Mary Muldoon : ...Seamus' wife for my sins. Of which there must have been hundreds to have such a terrible fate!
Seamus Muldoon : They say that married men live longer than single ones. It only *seems* like that.
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Seamus Muldoon : [glancing at Jack's photo of Kathleen] Ah, isn't she a magnificent woman?
Mary Muldoon : She's pretty enough - in an ugly, human kind of a way. They'd make a fine couple.
[they laugh]
Jack Woods : OK, OK, *thank* you...
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Mickey Muldoon : [dreamily] I met this girl... Princess Jessica.
Seamus Muldoon : Princess Jessica - King Boric's daughter!
Mickey Muldoon : Oh, she's an angel, with the face!
Seamus Muldoon : Oh, no, no, no, no, no - listen - You leave her be! I don't want that sort of trouble! Mary Maldoon, this is your fault! Jack - will you tell him to listen to his father?
Jack Woods : Why? I never did.
Seamus Muldoon : Neither did I; that's not point!
Mary Muldoon : So he's told you, has he? You're his father, speak to him!
Seamus Muldoon : Mickey Maldoon, you listen to me: You stay away from that girl, or I'll disown you!
Mickey Muldoon : How can you disown me; you don't own anything.
Mary Muldoon : Don't speak to your father like that!
Mickey Muldoon : What, you do!
Jack Woods : That's expected - I'm his wife! And don't speak to *me* like that!
Seamus Muldoon : Yes, don't speak to her like that!
Mickey Muldoon : Well, who'm I expected to speak to like that, then?
Seamus Muldoon : Now you're speaking to me like that.
Mickey Muldoon : But she started speaking to *me* like that...
[fade]
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Jack Woods : [Seamus and Mickey appear in his buggy while he's racing] What're you doing here?
Seamus Muldoon : We thought you might like a hand.
Mickey Muldoon : Oh, don't worry, Mr. Woods, the old Leprechaun magic'll do the tirck.
Jack Woods : Great! Tell me what to do!
[beat]
Seamus Muldoon : Get closer to the others!
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Jack Woods : I'm sorry, Kathleen, but I'm leaving on the evening train.
Kathleen Fitzpatrick : This evening?
George Fitzpatrck : Good riddance.
Kathleen Fitzpatrick : George?... Could you go, please?
John Fitzpatrick : You going somewhere, George; can I go with you?
George Fitzpatrck : Not me, him.
John Fitzpatrick : I don't wanna go with him.
George Fitzpatrck : No one asked you!
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Bert Bagnell : [immediately after Jack hits his head on a rafter] Mind the beam.
Jack Woods : Oh, boy, this house was built for little people.
Bert Bagnell : Uh, no, it's not! Not at all!
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Seamus Muldoon : That's a very energetic way of doing the weeding, Jack.
Jack Woods : Seamus. I'm not gardening, I'm practicing my swing.
Seamus Muldoon : Your swing?
Jack Woods : Yeah. Yeah, my golf swing. You know, this whole area, this'd make a perfect golf course, don't you think?
Seamus Muldoon : No doubt, no doubt about it... I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.
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Jack Woods : [of the berries on a bush] Are these things clean?
Kathleen Fitzpatrick : Yeah, oh yeah, they're clean... Poisonious, but clean.
Jack Woods : That's very funny, I'm just not used to eating anything without an experation date.
Kathleen Fitzpatrick : Oh, go on, Jack! Why don't you take a walk on the wild side!
Jack Woods : [throws a berry up in the air and catches it with his mouth, making Kathleen laugh] Those are good!
Kathleen Fitzpatrick : Yeah...
Jack Woods : Those are really good. It's better than in the store.
[shoves more berries in his mouth]
