Titus (2000–2002)
Stacy Keach: Ken Titus
Quotes
-
Christopher Titus : Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
[flashback]
Ken Titus : I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning!
-
[about his girlfriend, Erin]
Christopher Titus : When we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a *huge* mistake.
Ken Titus : [in flashback] I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a *lot*. You'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are in for a nightmare!
[cut to show he's talking to Erin]
-
Ken : I don't go straight for the ten. I go for the six and drink 'til she's an eight!
-
Ken : You knew and you let them shave me?
Christopher Titus : I knew and I *got* them to shave you!
-
Ken "Papa" Titus : Tuck and roll, wussy!
-
Ken Titus : [flashback] You're not leaving with my 8 track!
[the 8 track player is thrown at Ken]
Ken Titus : Duck, boy!
Ken Titus : [flashback] You're not leaving with my cassette deck!
[the cassette deck is thrown at Ken]
Ken Titus : Duck, boy!
Ken Titus : [flashback] You're not leaving with my CD player!
[the CD player is thrown at Ken]
Christopher Titus : Yeah!
[Titus gets hit with the CD player]
Ken Titus : What? Do I always have to say "Duck, boy"?
-
Christopher Titus : Pfft, math. Who needs it? I spent my time in school memorizing things I could use. Like The California State Mental Health Code Requirement For The Declaration Of Commitment Of A Loved One, which is as follows: Causing harm to others.
[flashback]
Christopher Titus : [shows Juanita hitting Ken in the head with a frying pan]
[end Flashback]
Christopher Titus : Causing harm to self
[flashback]
Christopher Titus : [young Christopher knocks on bathroom door]
10 - Year Old Titus : Mom, Are you ready yet?
Juanita Titus : [opens the door, having shaved a huge lock of hair off the top of her head] I'll be ready in a minute, I'm just fixing my doo. Give this to your father
[handing young Christopher the lock of hair]
Juanita Titus : .
[end Flashback]
Christopher Titus : Destruction of Property
[flashback]
Christopher Titus : [young Christopher and Ken Titus are looking out the window at their car on fire in the driveway]
Ken Titus : We needed a new car anyway.
-
Christopher Titus : Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my - my love and my forgiveness.
Ken Titus : Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use.
-
[bursting into a hung-over Chris' room]
Ken Titus : You wanna tell me why my car is parked at such an odd angle on the porch across the street?
-
Christopher Titus (age 5) : Dad, what's gay?
Ken Titus : Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry!
-
Christopher Titus : It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
Christopher Titus : Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
Tommy Shafter : [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
Christopher Titus : Bag boys would be more courteous.
Ken Titus : [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
Christopher Titus : And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
Erin Fitzpatrick : [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
Christopher Titus : I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!
-
Ken Titus : Erin is a keeper. She's the kind of woman you could maybe spend six or seven years with.
-
Ken : Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Christopher Titus : He was laughing because YOU were trying to get into Heaven!
-
Christopher Titus : Dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Juanita Titus : [yelling at Ken in a bar] I want a divorce!
Ken Titus : [turning to the woman sitting next to him] Hi.
-
[Repeated line]
Ken Titus : Wussy!
-
Erin Fitzpatrick : You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus : Cars are heavy.
Erin Fitzpatrick : Everybody knows that.
Ken Titus : So does he, thanks to me.
-
Christopher Titus : Dad, are you speaking or are your gonads?
Ken Titus : Right now they have power of attorney.
-
[Ken is about to pick up a hitchhiker]
Christopher Titus : C'mon, dad, it's one A.M. in the middle of the desert! She's either a werewolf or an alien!
Ken Titus : Well, maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
-
Ken Titus : Don't be a Wussy!
-
Christopher Titus : You said that I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
Ken Titus : You took that as an insult?
-
[on an island resort, Ken wins in blackjack]
Black Dealer : 21.
Ken Titus : Will you look at that. First time a black man ever gave me money!
Christopher Titus : [nervously] Ha, ha, ha. Dad, remember, island, far from airport, no way to escape.
-
Ken Titus : Shut up, fruit!
Tommy Shafter : Well, you say that, but what you really mean is...
Ken Titus : [interrupting] Shut up, fruit!
-
Christopher Titus (age 5) : Dad, teacher said we can be anything we wanted to be.
Ken Titus : She wasn't talking to you son. Now, go in the backyard and practice digging some holes.
-
Christopher Titus (age 5) : Look Dad, I'm gonna be an astronaut.
Ken Titus : Oh yeah? Good. 'Cause my beer is weightless. Why don't you launch over to planet refrigerator and get me another one.
-
Ken Titus : Tommy, this is Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball!
-
Ken Titus : Oh, great. How much is this going to cost me?
Christopher Titus (age 5) : I want my mommy back!
Ken Titus : $40?
-
Ken Titus : You don't drag a woman out of a strip club. You put a twenty in your zipper and back out slowly.
-
[after Perry bursts into the house]
Fay Shafter : Perry!
Erin Fitzpatrick : Mr. Shafter!
Tommy Shafter : Dad!
Ken Titus : Homo!
-
Christopher Titus : Dad! What are you doing here?
Ken Titus : I'm just here to make sure that Tommy's new girlfriend doesn't have an Adam's apple.
-
Christopher Titus : [has a car with the front end jacked up]
Ken Titus : Did you remember to block the wheels?
Christopher Titus : I know how to change a tire, Dad. Ur.
[the car falls on Christopher]
Christopher Titus : What did we learn?
Christopher Titus : [from under the car sounding like the wind got knocked out of him] Cars are heavy.
Ken Titus : Ur.
-
[preparing to kidnap his son]
Ken Titus : I pull it off, or I spend my life in Detroit in prison. Which is redundant.
-
Ken : You are a Son of a Bitch!
-
Ken Titus : You're late! This car's a piece of crap. Where did you get it anyways? It looks like an old man's car! I'll be inside. And park it around back!
Christopher Titus : Dave, the cell phone is from both of us, OK?
-
Ken Titus : What'd you bring me, fruit?
Tommy Shafter : No, too much sugar in fruit.
Ken Titus : No, I'm calling *you* a fruit!
